Standing Firm...

I'm starting to feel like planning a wedding is some kind of self exploration as much as an opportunity to learn how you do under stress as a couple and individually.  Personally, I'm amazed that Dustin hasn't asked for the ring back some days as I've sometimes felt I don't know myself very well so there's no way that he knows the me that he proposed to...  I discovered something really amazing though, I think he knows me better than I think most of the time.  Or maybe that God's really good about sending him just the thing to say when I need to hear it and he's really good at listening because he seems to be getting a part of me that I don't really get myself sometimes.  He's learning to speak to the part of me that sometimes gets drowned out when I have those moments of panic and stress.  He finds that way to focus me on the important things.  I think one way I really see this is that Dustin is not exactly a person who enjoys being the center of attention.  He'd much prefer to work behind the scenes than to be the one front and center which makes it rather humorous that of the two of us when I've been the one completely happy with the idea of running off to Vegas and saying my vows in front of someone dressed like Elvis with Love Me Tender playing in the background, Dustin has been the one to "stand firm" in the importance of that formal commitment in front of friends and family.  I find that right now for whatever reason I need that reminder often.  I need to to hear what he sees as important to that moment that will definitely take him out of his comfort zone to keep me focused.  His standing firm isn't really that of pushing me to do something I don't want to do, but more recognizing what is stress talking and what I really truly in my heart want.  It's like he's standing firm for me.  In someways it feels like he's fighting for me against myself (kind of sounds like I have a personality disorder...).  It makes me realize the time we've taken to get to this point means that he knows me better than I realized.  He recognizes the things that are important to me. but that I can start to lose sight of in the chaos.  When you think about it it's a little how God treats us if we let him....  He learns our heart and what speaks to us and if we let Him He will speak to that deepest desire and fills us in a way we can't even begin to imagine. 

The Ring....

So a very strange way to start a blog post, but tonight I observed that I really felt my ring needed cleaned so it would sparkle more.  I said as much to Dustin who then proceeded to collect everything necessary to accomplishing the task and clean my ring.  It sparkles again!!  Which leads me to think about the upkeep that goes into keeping the sparkle, shine and beauty in the ring.  It strikes me that my ring actually represents a lot more than just the promise of a future together.  It can serve as a reminder that if I don't make sure to do regular upkeep on the relationship that it can lose its brilliance.  The thing I've realized this week is that as hard as it can be sometimes it can mean encouraging Dustin to spend time doing things that take him away from me.  That can be really hard on the occasions that It feels like I've waited so long now I want every minute possible with him.  There are times I don't quite get it right.  There are times like many in the last month that I do forget that he needs a chance to regroup.  Thankfully God manages to send someone along to remind me of it just when I need that help to focus on Dustin's needs and not just what I want.  Of course now I also have a ring to remind me of that little fact as well...

To Live....

The last few days have been interesting in the thoughts I've had.  Somehow a celebration of the life of a little 4 month old who has impacted so many people leaves you considering your own life and what's important.  Since God's timing is always perfect I don't think it's any coincidence that my moment of clarity came the day before I spent two days absorbing the impact of this little guys life on so many others.  Somehow that realization of what Logan's little life meant to so many people had me re-evaluating some things.  I found myself making the observation to Dustin that it left me with the realization that in relationships there are some moments you only have one opportunity to be there for someone.  If you miss that moment you never get it back.  I found myself going to a celebration of life on Tuesday for that exact reason and was so glad that I had found a way to take the time to be part of that moment.  There was something about being part of that moment as my friends Chris and Amanda told their little son good-bye in their own special ways that made me realize that there are so many possible continuing chapters to Logan's story.  This is not a story that ends with that moment on Tuesday...  Chris and Amanda have their chapter to continue, but there's a chapter in my life titled Logan as well and my story builds from the moment this little baby entered the world to the moment God took him home and the unique lessons that I learned from this special little family that God put together adds a chapter to my life that will forever include little Logan Christopher Thorne.  I might have never had the chance to meet him, but none the less he became part of my life and story.   I find myself with a new appreciation for the lyrics of a song I've grown fond of in the last few months as Logan gives them new meaning

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

I suppose in a way Logan makes me realize that life is short.  As Proverbs 27:1 points out we don't know what a day brings, when we begin to take life for granted we act as if nothing will change.  I think this tiny little boy and his parents really make me realize the importance of making those moments count.  It leaves me with a feeling of purpose.  A need to treat each moment as if it's precious.  To approach my relationships with more purpose.  To live life with a little more abandon and truly learn to live as if each day could be my last....

Normal...

It's funny how different people can be telling you something over and over, but suddenly one person says the exact thing that gets through to you.  For me my friend Raegan happened to be that person.  Somehow the thing that many people had been telling me clicked.  It kind of feels like I've finally walked out of the fog that has been the last month and found my normal again.  Thanks to Raegan I had the moment I've been looking for where I realized that needed to snap out it.  It's like by that falling into place I feel like myself again.  I found my normal again.  It's like in finding that the fact that I've realized that I needed to find some way to set boundaries in the middle of all of this has fallen into place.  But even more than that I realized something really important about myself....  If I don't watch it I ask too much from Dustin.  I think that's some of what blindsided me a little that sudden change in me that seemed to want to equate engagement with his time is my time.  That conversation with Raegan actually helped remind me of the need to encourage him to have his time and space.  The funny thing???  That particular subject did not even remotely come up in our conversation, but the things that did helped me start to feel like myself again which in turn made me realize the things that started to shift in my approach to our relationship.  The other funny thing was that by that shift taking place other things started to change in my approach to work, wedding plans and a variety of things.  It's one of those things that continues to amaze me the way God sends just the person into our lives at the exact time we need them and builds the relationship where it needs to be for just the exact moment such as Sunday.  Try telling me something is too small to warrant God's interest....  I think not!!

Be Still........

So Dustin made the observation yesterday that we had now been engaged a month.  It's hard to believe!!  I'm not sure if it was the feeling that I had very little done or what exactly it was, but I found myself feeling off a little after that observation.  Not that I don't love being engaged, but there was something that threw me off at realizing we had been engaged for a month.  I'm still not completely for sure what exactly it was that had me feeling off by that observation.  I tend to suspect that it was a combination of the rather lengthy to do list of non-wedding related things in addition to the little things that were wedding related that it seemed were being asked on a regular basis that added to a feeling of stress that even Dustin in his constant support and assurance we'd work through it together and figure it out couldn't quite remove.  There's just something that being asked the same question multiple times that merely adds to my anxiety level.  It really doesn't matter if the question is being asked by four different people over the period of a week it's the repeating the same answer that is no answer that gets to you.  Kind of makes you feel like you're failing the test that you didn't know was coming.  Some really awesome things happened this weekend though...  Nearly everything on the lengthy to do list was completed.  With Dustin's help they all fell into place and I end up with this sense of accomplishment!  The other thing is I found out a lot of things are coming along better than I realized.  The initial steps of my dress have been started and with any luck the initial sample will be done sooner than expected!  I had the opportunity to look at one possible location for a reception venue.  Even better I had that comforting offer of help when a chance conversation at church provided me with a resource for information on another possible venue.  That conversation as brief as it might have been turned the tide on the overwhelmed feeling I had been experiencing.  That moment and the relief and feeling of friendship it brought with it allowed me to finally feel a sense of hope that things would come together after all and allowed me to realize the pieces that had started.  Thanks to my little flower girl I find myself excited at the thought of "looking for sparkly dress and shoes" so she looks like a princess.  As the message this morning instructed thanks once more to Sarah I found myself able in some way to be still and really see what God was doing around me and to realize that just as with Dustin and I meeting, dating and becoming engaged He's working those details and timing out.  I just need to slow down and be still and absorb it...

The Inspiration....

I've had some loving, concerned inquiries due to the nature of some of my posts that have me thinking I probably should use a post to clarify some things so my caring friends and family and concerned strangers don't think I'm in a constant state of depression!  I suppose to truly explain where the inspiration for this blog originates I have to go back to the month of January 2011.  You see the blog itself might not have started that day, but the events that make it possible for some of my rather candid posts were put into motion.  Interestingly enough there were four people responsible for those events that began in January and not one of them happened to be Dustin.  The first person to set the wheel in motion was my big brother Kirby (no to those of you related to me Mom and Dad do not have some hidden child you never knew about, Kirby is one of those friends that turns into family, in this case my "adopted" big brother).  You see, Kirby texted me one Sunday morning wanting me to come to church to meet Dustin.  Now as I believe I've stated in a previous post Kirby was and still is not a matchmaker so when Kirby wants me to meet a guy and wanted me to come to church to do so I kind of took it from the start as a sign from God as something I was probably suppose to do.  So thanks to Kirby I go to church at Mooresville Church of God, where I hear for the first time the man who would become my pastor, John Crump.  Enter the second influence in the chain of events...  There was something about John's message that morning that spoke to something deep inside me.  The desire that I had kept pushing down thinking it would take more than I could ever hope to give, but a desire that had started as a teenager to live this life that included God in every aspect of it.  John spoke to that and made me leave with the encouraged thought that just maybe that dream wasn't a pipe dream, but a dream that God wanted to make a reality!  I left the church that day thinking Dustin (who I had originally come to meet) was nice and really cute, but John had captivated me!  I wanted to know more.  I kind of think I know how the crowds that followed Jesus, Peter and Paul around must have felt as I cyber-stalked John through the church website listening to every message he had given over the course of a year completely fascinated by one sermon in particular that I listened to so many times I could nearly quote it!  Oh, and I listened to them in a 2 week period.  I couldn't get enough of the vision that he presented that spoke to that deep seated need inside of me to have a purpose.  But not just any purpose, I wanted my life to impact others.  I wanted God to be able to use me in a way that would draw others closer to him.  During the two week period that I was cyber-stalking John, the two other people who were instrumental to the events of that month were busy filling the role God had placed them in my life to complete.  I've mentioned Bob and Michelle in previous posts, but during this period both of them, but especially Bob were sounding boards as for the first time in my life I questioned the really hard things in my life.  As I struggled with answers to questions that were some of the toughest I'd ever had to ask myself Bob was there sharing his story when needed, offering scriptures when called for and giving me impromptu sermons on occasion.  Bob and Michelle as a couple gave me a variety of views and shared experience in the challenges they had faced.  The combination of these four influences had me reaching one huge realization.  I was 30 years old and I had lived most of my life switching out various masks.  I was 30 years old and there truly was not one person on earth who knew the real me.  Everyone knew the version of me that I felt was the safest to let them see.  In one way they were all parts of me. but I had my church mask, my work mask and my social mask.  If people blended from the different areas of my life they would notice the difference and deep down inside I always knew that which was why I had tried for so long to keep the various pieces of my life from mixing.  John had awakened that desire in me to let others see God through me, but with it there came a realization...  If people were going to see God through me then the mask had to come off.  To be honest I'll forever be grateful for these four people in my life as because of their influence I entered into friendship with Dustin without the masks of my various lives.  So now fast forward to July of 2012...  Dustin proposes and I realize something...  God was challenging my commitment to openness.  As I've struggled with the different pieces that come from that relationship change and realize the lessons He's teaching me I find myself thinking that maybe this is the first step.  Being open means making yourself vulnerable, sharing the parts of your story that taught you the most (as Bob did for me). No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.  (Luke 11:33 NIV)  If as I've said in various posts, I truly believe that not only marriage, but the engagement period is designed to bring Dustin and I closer to God and one another.  And if we are to be God's light to the world, it stands to reason to me that the lessons God has for me in wedding planning, working through the various challenges of our relationship and the personal struggles that I have are part of how God plans for me to be his light.  I don't really expect to get it right every time, but do any of us really love a perfect hero or heroine?  Don't we adore Mr Darcy because of his pride and love Lizzy Bennett because of her prejudice?  Is it not Aaragorn's lack of belief that he can be king that makes us follow his part of the journey hoping that he'll realize his true potential?  Personally of the disciples, Peter is my favorite because of the fact he is a flawed man that God is able to use greatly!  So my blog was born because I felt God challenging me to share the journey that Dustin and I are taking and what I'm learning in my struggles and joys.  Will some moments sound depressing?  Very likely because some lessons just aren't fun to have to learn.  But reality is that there is no one that makes it through life without disappointment, hurt and even agony at some point, but if we're honest in those struggles God can use us to be a blessing to someone else or even use someone else to bless us when we need it...

The Next Step...

I think I'm starting to find a little bit of normal in the middle of the chaos.  I've finally found a balance that will help me pace myself.  For nearly a week now I've found myself really not thinking about  wedding things much.  I've found myself managing to think minimally about all of the things on the to do list.  Now tomorrow I find it is time to start thinking about those plans again though.  Tomorrow I go to look at one of the possible locations we've been talking about for a reception.  We'll see how things go.  Hopefully I'll have some answers tomorrow!  I'm hoping once I get an idea of where the reception will happen some things will start to fall into place, but we'll see!!