Progress....

This week has been very eventful and productive.  As I mentioned in my last post it started out excitingly enough with the coming together of my bridesmaids dresses.  I feel like it was the beginning of a productive week where wedding preparations are concerned.  It started with the dresses and continued on a new idea for a reception venue, a wonderful deal on some decorations for the church and today an awesome deal on my Save the Date cards which actually go quite well with the theme that has developed out of our initial ideas.  It's funny how now that my initial meltdowns seem to be easing up and things start to come together I do find myself enjoying the planning more.  The lists don't feel quite so overwhelming and it's becoming fun to see our ideas start to take shape.  As things stand right now one of our new possibilities for a reception venue has more potential than I ever expected to find in a location and it has me believing as Dustin put in a text this week that maybe God is trying to give us a wedding we never dreamed would be ours as pieces come together in ways that surprise both of us.  It leaves me excited at the new pieces that come.  This week I'm looking forward to the first fitting for my dress and hopefully the nearing of an initial mock-up for our invitations from my creative genius.  From what I've seen so far they look pretty awesome!  Of course every time I go back to look at something only to find its on sale even cheaper I get just a little more excited about what the finished product looks like!  I feel like Dustin was right in pointing me toward my verse for the week....  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine... Ephesians 3: 20a  It's exciting seeing it come together in a way that just as my relationship with Dustin has been it's beyond anything my finite mind could dream up...

Lessons in Hope...

I find myself excited today!  There are some tasks that seem quite daunting and to be honest co-ordinating complimentary bridesmaids dresses with my maid of honor and bridesmaid in different countries was one of those things that had me a little worried.  Again I have to say that technology and David's Bridal made this a much easier task than I expected it to be.  It started out as a simple question on Friday morning to my maid of honor in Canada, "Do you have a black dress?"  What followed over the next afternoon was a fun experience in "shopping" with my maid of honor for dresses.  She would send me pictures and I could see how each different dress looked on her and how it would work with the overall vision I had for my wedding.  By the end of the afternoon we had settled on a dress that worked for her and as the store was kind enough to hold her size we were able to check with my other bridesmaid to ensure that it was something that would work for both.  By Saturday afternoon my maid of honor has her dress and this afternoon my bridesmaid had hers.  It leaves me feeling like things are beginning to come together.   My checklist of things I can mark off as finished is growing and it's exciting!  Bridesmaids dresses... Check.  Sample dress ready for initial fitting... Check.  Church reserved... Check.  Crinoline for dress ordered... Check.  Photographer reserved... Check.  Yep.  My done list is growing quite nicely.  Of course I'll admit that I'd really like it if that big piece of a venue for the reception would take care of itself, but as Dustin reminds me it's a problem to solve and we'll figure it out.  The little pieces that do fall together leave me with a sense of hope.  Hope that things really will come together after all.  Hope that as difficult as things seem at certain moments in this process that they will work together for good and result in beautiful memories.  The message this morning left me with three thoughts.  1) Hope is a choice 2) God allows the moments of despair to offer opportunities of surrender and 3) God gives us glimpses of his glory.    It leaves me with a few thoughts when you combine the message this morning with the accomplishments of the weekend.  God does not create the moment of my despair, but he does allow them.  He allows those moments that cause the tears because if I allow them I can learn as Job did to bless his name and be a testimony to the hope he offers by the lessons I learn in those moments, but then he provides the glimpses of his glory in the moments that present themselves in moments like this weekend where the dresses for two women in two different countries came seamlessly together as if the three of us walked into the store together to purchase them.  How I choose to view the entire picture is up to me, which pulls together the main thought I took away from church this morning.  Hope is a choice.  I can see the ease with which the dresses came together as coincidence or I can choose to see it as a sign of hope.  The hope that God can and will work those details out.  Will I get it right every time?  Maybe not, but each time I do makes me a little stronger in my faith and brings me a little bit closer to God.  And the reality is the journey even if it gets a little bumpy at times is an awesome experience!

Worth the Wait...

I've had some rather seemingly random thoughts today which were triggered by an article Dustin sent me.  I think it was initially sent due to the rather comical way I have a tendency to beg for "shopping trips" to the Keystone Mall when I'm feeling down purely because of the fact I can't afford to buy anything.  It's a rather crazy rational which Dustin didn't completely understand the first time I very "rationally" requested a trip to this particular mall for that exact reason.  The article that Dustin sent me today was about a woman about to be featured on the next season of Hoarders.  I found it a rather personal article in the openness with which she shared a small part of her journey from retail therapy that resulted in a house filled with items that she could never use, but a life that to anyone outside of her very small personal circle seemed very normal and functional, but one that in reality affected every aspect of her life and kept her relationships at a distance.  I suppose this is one of the things that really struck me.  You see, I related to this article on a personal level because that was me a few years ago.  I like the woman in the article got a certain high out of shopping.  It made me feel good for a little bit and then I had trouble getting rid of the items I purchased because with looking at them came the memory of a feeling I wanted to recapture.  There seemed to be a memory I could attach with nearly every item I had purchased.  I didn't really realize the complete picture of what I was doing at the moment and I can't really say that it was significant enough to those around me to cause undue concern, but none the less it was a problem.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but my moment of reality came as I was reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  Something as I read spoke to that desire for something that kept that feeling I was searching for a little longer than the brief moment of satisfaction.  That realization sparked a purging binge that lasted several months as I rather ruthlessly disposed of all of the "things" I had purchased in my search for that "high" that would make me forget the emptiness I felt at times.  It wasn't that I hadn't made a commitment to God or even that I wasn't trying to serve Him the best I could, but while I might not have been able to express it I was holding part of myself back from letting Him truly fill me the way I needed to be filled so that I wasn't continually re-experiencing those moments of emptiness.  At this point I'm sure you're wondering what exactly my rambling on this article really has to do with Dilemma's of a Bride-to-Be.  I think it's because I look at that period of my life as God getting me ready for Dustin.  The truth is I had a serious problem that if God hadn't stepped in and helped me to realize it I would have dragged our relationship and eventually even into our marriage.  It was a problem that expressed itself in the form of retail therapy and the need to own lots of stuff.  With the right motivation the buying habits might have changed, but I would have shifted my needs for fulfillment from the stuff to the man.  Of course then the shopping habits likely would have returned when the man couldn't fulfill the never ending need.  In the years following that purging binge I found myself.  I started to find the me that God intended for me to become.  In doing that I started to let God fill that part of me that nothing else could fill.  That made a world of difference in the challenges that come up in relationships.  Sometimes I get through them and find that I've handled them a way quite different than I know I would have before that moment of truth revealed in the self searching inspired by the classic work of C.S. Lewis.  Of course the plus is that after we discussed it after my first crazy request to go "window shopping" at Keystone Mall and what felt like my even more irrational explanation of why this trip was so important Dustin somehow understood.  He understood that while shopping is relaxing for me at times there are also times that those impulses still present a challenge so he humors my occasional need for controlled retail therapy and goes "dream shopping" with me in a safe environment.  It's one more way that demonstrates how God can give us so much more than we can even dream of asking for.  In my naive mind over the years I've wanted such surface things... A guy of my own so I was no longer alone and single, but instead of just any guy God gives me Dustin who lovingly puts up with my quirks and even finds ways to help me with the things I still struggle with on occasion.  It makes a wait that seemed so long during my 20's something I find myself very thankful took so long so that I could figure out a little better who I was going into a relationship and marriage.

Lessons in Faith...

I've discovered at this point in my life a lot of lessons and messages seem to come from all sides.  Example... I'm sitting in church yesterday and yep...  the message comes clear as day from the message itself.  It's time for a lesson in faith again, my dear...  I find I have a tendency to think that once I've learned a lesson that it's done.  On one level I do realize that it's a continual learning process, but I think I kind of find myself suffering from the delusion that the lesson won't be as hard the next time.  Now granted...  That's true at times, but it seems that as hard as the initial step might have been sometimes the progress while easier in some ways becomes harder as life changes those lessons to something I have to learn exactly how the lessons learned apply to my new normal.  Sunday I found myself sitting in church listening to the message which pertained to Faith.  I found myself going back in time remembering some of the messages I heard in the church I had just begun attending and the lessons leading up to that transition in churches that took place a year and a half ago.  Sitting there I found myself realizing that at one time I lived with the mistaken belief that hearing about a topic multiple times from various sermons meant I was dropping the ball in some way.  I just wasn't getting it so that reminder had to keep coming and coming and coming.  I've since realized that's far from true.  It's not necessarily some failure on my part to get the message.  Sometimes it's that I learned the first lesson successfully and it's time to move on to the next one which is a deeper understanding of how that lesson applies to the next phase of my life.  It took the faith to believe that God had some greater purpose in mind to make the move in changing churches when it was the last thing I wanted in my life at the time.  It took that faith to move me on to the next phase of faith that occurred during some of the challenges presented during the beginning of my relationship with Dustin.  And now I believe Sunday was all about God showing me that I need the lessons from those experiences going into the world of wedding planning.  Faith that things will turn out just fine even when I'm feeling overwhelmed, out of control or completely exhausted.  The great thing I'm discovering is that even though Dustin can't step in and learn the lesson for me, he can be a great support while I'm dealing with the lesson of the moment.  There's a line in the hymn "Come Thou Fount" that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I'm come".   When you look up the meaning Ebenezer (contrary to my young belief as a child does NOT refer to Ebenezer Scrooge...) refers to a stone of remembrance set out to commemorate a moment God helped Israel.  I suppose in a way I've come to see Dustin as my personal, living Ebenezer.  I look at him and know there was a time I never would have been able to handle the challenges that have gone into getting to this moment.  I know who I was and often I find myself thinking that's who I still am, but then Dustin serves as a reminder in so many ways of the changes God has brought to my life.  Oddly, enough Dustin serves as a very real reminder of the way faith has changed my life as so many of my life changing moments of faith include or involve him.  I believe with all my heart that God has given me Dustin and included him in those moments as a constant reminder of that faith that I can sometimes lose sight of, but it's up to me to remember those things when I look at him.  If the Israelites looked at their memorial and saw just a pile of stones it would never inspire them to the next victory.  In the same way I can look at Dustin and see just a man, a fiance, a future husband...  Or I can see a symbol of God's promise and a testimony to a faith I didn't know I could have.  It's really all up to me...

Keep Calm and Get Married...

Today I had a rather fun moment...  It's sometimes easy to lose sight of the fun pieces that are suppose to come along with a wedding, but spending the day with my adopted nieces has a way of changing the adult approach to a wedding to helping me remember why my wedding was something I wanted and looked forward to planning.  The adult pieces that come up and scream to be dealt with drowned out the fantasy of the little girl.  The fun thing about a day spent with those nieces...  They are at that age that thoughts of a wedding bring the fun thoughts of patterns, dresses and colors to mind.  The thoughts of where the money comes from to pay for those things are light years away.  There's something in their enthusiasm and excitement.  In hearing their plans for their future weddings discussed in interesting detail that brought back the memories of my own enthusiastic thoughts of my future wedding through the years.  The memory of the blurry face that always faced me at the thought of my wedding that would be waiting for me at the end of my walk down the aisle.  Now that face isn't blurry anymore.  It's a familiar and loved face.  It's a face that rather than just some blurry tie to a moment I wanted more than anything to make it to it's a face that has shared some of my deepest fears and concerns.  It's a face that has looks that bring certain shared moments to mind.  There's a certain child-like approach I found myself able to enjoy today that I haven't had the chance to experience.  It was seeing my wedding through the eyes of two young girls that have no opinions, suggestions or seriously intended advice.  It was like having the chance to see my wedding through the eyes of a younger version of myself.  There was something about hearing the over the top suggestions of things I really "needed" to incorporate into my wedding, the things that Dustin "would like" if I added them that gave me a chance to laugh in a way I haven't necessarily felt able to yet.  It was a day that felt like it put me in touch with my younger self enough I purchased a reminder of the day.  In the Old Testament, there are numerous instances of God instructing his people to set up markers to remind them of the moments He did something for them so that in the future they could look at that and remember what He had done.  Today I did just that.  In finding that inner little girl again from my day spent with Della and Keera I found myself buying one of the items the girls pointed out as a necessity.  You see, they might not have realized it, but the funny little cheap button pin is a necessity.  I need that reminder it provides for the future.  I need the reminder of the day, but also as the pin reads, I need to remember to "Stay Calm and Get Married".  I'm thinking more "fun" days for those reminders will be in my future, but today was definitely a needed moment!

Triumph...

So I've finally found my way out of the pit of burning desire for a wedding planner...  I've relinquished my dream of David Tutera showing up to and taking the planning of my wedding out of my hands.  (Ok, I'll confess to a degree that it's in part due to the fact that I now own the My Fair Wedding Visions and Revisions book...)  But even more so I think I've found my groove for thinking about planning a reception.  I have to say that when God sent Dustin into my life he sent the perfect man to deal with me during this rather chaotic period of my life.  I don't completely understand myself at times over the last month and a half, but Dustin somehow takes me in stride.  When I'm in tears and can't figure out why he has a way of making me believe everything is going to turn out ok even when I don't feel it at the moment.  When I came up with an idea in the middle of the afternoon he was the one to jump to looking for an answer.  He jumps to the task at hand, but he also celebrates the moments that matter with me.  When I finally figure out what the nagging thing that is sending me over the edge is he's there as my own personal cheerleader happy that I've made progress.  In some ways as stressful as it is to struggle with somethings when I get through the moment I can't help, but be glad it happened.  It brings us closer together as a couple, but also somehow makes me more secure in his love.  I already know in the moment I'm stressed out that I don't feel lovable or worth the effort so the fact that Dustin continues to go out of his way to make me feel cared about changes my world.  It strikes me that those moments that I experience that unconditional, undeserved love from Dustin give me a very personal and up close image of what God wants to be to us.  He wants to be there to celebrate the moments of triumph with us.  He wants to comfort us when we are hurting.  He wants to lift us up when we despair.  But if He is to do so He has to be included in those moments.  If I never share the moment when I'm discouraged with Dustin then he doesn't understand the moment of triumph over that thing that caused me to despair.  That's exactly how God is.  He wants to share all of those moments, but he won't force himself into the moment.  He's waiting for us to open ourselves up and share it with him.  And just as I find my moment of triumph over the thing that discouraged me doubled by the excitement that Dustin experiences along with me, our moments of victory can be blessings beyond measure when they are shared with God.

To Stress or Not To Stress....

I've come to the conclusion it's going to be an extremely long 6 months.  I'm a little over a month into an engagement and already I'm sick of wedding budgets, pricing items and lists.  This from the person that according to my co-worker lives by my lists.  I'm already tired of spending money on paper I've yet to make and the overwhelming magnitude of the numbers for what is considered a low budget wedding.  I'm totally convinced at this point a wedding planner is the way to go, but alas....  that's not in the budget.  It's funny to be at that place that I've dreamed of for so long only to find my priorities have changed to the point that I cringe at the thought of spending money on things that are only going to be around for one evening.  There's a part of me that thinks in the middle of all of it that the price of tablecloths would pay for a new sweeper.  Flowers, well, they're beautiful, they smell wonderful, but again why do I want to spend money on those things when for what they cost I could replace my living room lamps?  It's funny how as a teenager and even in my 20's I had my wedding planned out in detail.  My colors, my dress, the number of attendants, I had it all planned down to the songs I would have performed.  All things considered I suppose the ceremony is not a piece that causes me undue stress.  I'm pretty good with things where the church portion is concerned, it's the reception that truly makes me cringe in the planning.  It's funny how now that I'm spending money I've actually worked for how hard it is to part with for something that doesn't feel like mine yet.  Maybe I'm waiting for that magic moment for the inspiration to strike that says this makes it yours and no one elses....  Sometimes the overwhelming thing about "being in charge" is that you have to come up with the idea before you can hand off the project to your eager volunteers.  I think I'm kind of feeling a little like one of the brides on My Fair Wedding.  She was so overwhelmed with everything being thrown her way she tried to incorporate all of it into her wedding.  Now I'm not quite to that point, but I have come to one realization...  While the ceremony definitely feels like it represents Dustin and I the reception not so much so in the ideas sitting out there.  To borrow from my favorite wedding planner...  It feels like the ceremony is one couples wedding and the reception belongs to a completely different couple.  Not exactly what I had in mind...  So I believe I shall scratch my current thoughts on the reception and go back to the drawing board...