Lessons from Moses

So the other day I was reading and I came across the re-telling of the second time that Moses was used to give Israel water from a rock.  I'm not sure exactly why this stood out to me this time, but this is the section that caught my attention:

The Lord said to Moses,  “Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink.”  So Moses took the staff from the Lord’s presence, just as he commanded him.  He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?”  Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.  But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”   Numbers 20:7-12

Now having been raised in church I've quite lost count of how many times this particular account of Moses lack of perfection has been used to tell me that God will punish me if I don't do what He says.  Sometimes it's hard for me to step away from the threat of judgement to actually see the reason God included this particular story in the history book, we call the Bible, that He gives us.  For whatever reason this time I found myself relating to this story a little differently.  Rather than focusing on the fact that God tells Moses and Aaron they will not lead Israel into the Promised Land, I recognized the struggle that had to take place in Moses in the moment.  

I found myself going back and looking at the first instance that God used a rock to provide water for his people.  It was interesting to compare the two accounts.  As I continued going back and forth wondering about the significance of striking the rock the first time, but the command to speak to it the second time.  I found myself wondering why?  The need was the same both times, why change the method that God wanted to use to reveal himself?  Why was the consequence of Moses decision to strike the rock that He would never see the land of promise?  

The more I have thought about it I find myself coming to the conclusion that there are lessons in the nuances of the two accounts.  Now I don't claim to be a Bible scholar able to break down the significance of striking the rock, showing God's power, etc, etc, etc.  Honestly, I don't care.  That's not the lesson God had for me this time.  My lesson this time was the realization that I like Moses at times tend to doubt the method God uses to reveal Himself.  I am guilty of questioning when God chooses to do something in multiple different ways.  The reality was Moses hindered God being able to show His power in an entirely different way to the nation of Israel, by defaulting to the way that worked before.  One of the other awesome things that I noticed this time through is the grace that God showed to Moses.  God did not strike him dead the instant he chose poorly.  In fact, just the opposite, God still gave Israel the water they sorely needed.  God continued to allow Moses to lead His people on their journey in the wilderness.  However, when it came to entering a new country with new promise and new challenges that would require a leader that would follow God without question, the consequence of Moses decision meant that he was not the man God would be able to use going forward.  Moses had been unwilling or maybe even unable to be used by God going forward.  Was it fear?  Was it pride?  Was it a moment of uncontrolled anger?  Those are questions that none of us can answer, but I'm left with some thoughts on my own life as a result.

Looking at Moses in this instance through these new eyes I find myself thinking of the leadership role that God has placed me in for this season of my life.  It makes me very conscious of the decisions I make and the people He has placed under my direction.  I find myself thinking about the necessity of being willing to move forward to the unknown as scary as it may be and to do things in a different way if that is how God directs.  It's a sobering thought when I look at Moses' story and realize he wasn't able to realize the full potential of the task God had set before him because he struggled with trusting in the unknown moment.  I makes me take even more seriously the decisions I make as I realize that being part of something that God is doing is an awesome thing and to miss a part of that is such a sad ending to have included as part of one's story.  

My Wonderland.....

So I find myself thinking again, which can be a thing to fear, but in this case it's rather interesting.  When you have lots of down time thanks to a sore jaw and then you have time to watch movies it can result in some interesting thoughts.

So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help.  I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version).  Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking.  That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though.  Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities.  The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down.  I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with.  I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts.  There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear.  When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?"  I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life.  I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them.  I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head."  Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud.  I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why?  There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears.  To borrow from The Message:  

“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.    (Matthew 28:10)

I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment.  As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point.  At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side.  In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me.  When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities.  When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace.  Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be.  I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity.  It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts.  I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward.  A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head".  I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!

Moving Forward from Fear

God seems to have me on a fast track to learning about myself!  As I sit here at 9:30 am on a Sunday morning, I'm thinking about the fact that I want to be heading to church right now.  I want to be looking forward to worshiping with my church family.  Instead I am sitting in bed surrounded by my furry family (and Dustin of course...) with an ice pack on my face.

You see yesterday I faced another fear, I had my wisdom teeth removed.  All four! Now the fear I faced wasn't the obvious fear.  I had the opportunity to meet with my dentist enough prior to the appointment that I was feeling good.  He had a plan in place, I was going to be sedated and would remember none of what was going on.  I was good with that.  Pain and I are not very close friends and the farther away he stays the happier I am.  So in the weeks leading up to my procedure I stocked up on Jello and instant mashed potatoes.  I considered what I might need to do in the days following to the point that I moved the original appointment from August 17th to August 31st so that I had the entire Labor Day weekend to recover.  I was set.

Fast forward to Saturday, August 31st....  I'm still in a pretty good place not too worried because I got out of bed just to come to the dentist office and sleep some more.  So here I am all settled in at the dentist office.  The first pill taken and starting to feel drowsy.  I don't remember a whole lot until I started waking up for everyone to realize that the sedation had worn off and there were still two teeth left to get out.  That's the moment I start to remember fairly well.  Here I am the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist and I'm in the middle of a procedure when my sedation wears off.  Of course the obvious question is what do you do?  Well, this brilliant girl makes the decision that we're in the middle of tooth three so let's just get them out.  Now had that been my youngest brother, Nathan, making that call there would have been no surprise at the "Get 'R Done" response, but I'm not one to push ahead into pain.  In fact I often wonder if adoption isn't the perfect way to grow a family since there are children all over the world that need loving families and I never can quite forget the part of Genesis 3:16 when God says to Eve, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children..."  So here I am the person quite convinced that adoption isn't a bad thing since natural childbirth includes a certain amount of pain, telling my dentist to push through and get the last two teeth out under a local.  So, after a brief pause for prayer (no way was I moving forward under my own steam!) my awesome dentist removed the last two teeth.  Needless to say I slept most of the rest of the day, but around 8 pm when I woke up feeling a little more like myself it was to an amazing discovery!  My greatest weakness had become a strength.  As Dustin and I discussed the fact that I had surprised us both by pushing through and getting it finished that day, it brought back the continuing theme God seems to be confronting me with lately.  When I'm weak and realize it that's when God makes me strong.  See, I know I'm the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist.  I can dissolve into tears at the mere thought of pain, but with God's help (and Dustin letting me squeeze his hands off) I made it through the thing that I've allowed to cripple me for so long!  I no longer have to waste time worrying about the what if's in regards to dental appointments.  I've had my appointment and I've survived what actually turned into a painful encounter, but one that allowed me to grow in my weakness by experiencing a portion of God's strength.

There is one thing that keeps coming to mind thanks to my friend and our church's pastor of discipleship, Kim, as the next step forward.  God has taken this debilitating fear that I have and has helped me overcome it.  Rather than spending the next six months fearing the moment I need to go back to the dentist, I have this space in my life now that the removal of that fear leaves, so I'm now left with the thought as my fears decrease and disappear as God continues to turn my weakness into strength what am I going to do with the time and energy that I spent on that fear?  Looks like it's back to the drawing board for God and I to figure out how to fill those available moments!

Strength in Weakness

You know, sometimes when I sit down to write a post and I realize that I want to start it by saying it's been a rough period I start to feel bad.  I think to myself that who wants to hear that I'm struggling.  People most often like to hear inspiring, happy stories and the honest truth is that more often then not I don't feel inspiring or encouraging.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just practicing group therapy for my group of one.  Then moments like the last week happen and I manage to connect a few more dots that are my story and a little bit more of the picture starts to form.  

The last few weeks have been lesson after lesson of God using people who were not obviously equipped for the job he wanted them to accomplish, but at the same time they had the exact skill set he could use!  It seems like God has made a point to bring to my attention historical figures such as Moses, Gideon, Joshua and even David, who while they were not necessarily equipped to the naked eye for the job God had for them they had the one thing he needed most.  A humble and willing heart.  They were all men who saw how they didn't fit the bill and were acutely aware that for success to happen God had to be in control.  I mean just think about David.  Here God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse (David's father) and even this man who had lived his entire life in close relation to God looked at the outward appearance and would have chosen any other son of Jesse to be king, but God knew that Israel needed a leader that would never be able to forget that his strength came through weakness. 

I've been struggling with the feelings lately of not being able to fill the role that God has put me in at this moment in my life.  Sometimes I question why in the world I ever thought I could be a wife, a help meet to my husband when I can't pull it together some days.  Why did God move me away from a career I was decent at to put me in a role in ministry that makes me feel like a ten year old attempting calculus?  I have lots of whys in my head lately, but finally God seems to be getting through to me that he's not doing this to punish me.  All of the changes are designed with one purpose in mind.  To show his power through me, Tonya Marie Schrougham.  Once I start to accept the fact that it's not about me a weight begins to lift.  I don't have to get it right all of the time.  It's ok for others to see my weaknesses because it makes God's strength that much more powerful.  

In the middle of all of this processing I'm always thankful when God allows me that moment when I realize I am not alone in my weakness and even the opportunity to see that while I might live with the constant reminder of the thorn in my side (Let's face it.... Fear of public speaking can be a definite weakness when God has put you in a season of life where he calls you to lead a congregation in worship) He also allows me to see myself through others eyes occasionally.  It's in those moments that I realize that while I might not get it right every time.  While there are moments that I find myself focusing on how dealing with my insecurities effect me rather than how they show Jesus to others.  It seems like that's about the time God sends someone to show me that he is using the weakness and helping me grow through it and I find myself thankful that he doesn't take it away.  It becomes the thing that keeps me from moving too far away.  If I try to go handle it on my own I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless, but the moment I remember to hand it back to God, I'm filled with an indescribable peace.  I find myself understanding what Paul meant we he wrote he was able to take delight in his weakness.  It becomes the thing that when I am following God's leading in my life it keeps me connected to him.  The only way I survive the struggle through the day to day encounter with my weakness is to turn to the One who gives me strength in it.  It means that by embracing the thing I dread the most, God gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as I look at each mile marker on the journey and realize that I made it!    The thing I was sure I was unable to do is now a testament to what God can do through me!  It's a lesson I know that I'll need reminding of in the future, but I always get excited when a few more dots connect and I can start to see the beginnings of a picture.

Endings and beginnings....

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the simplest things lead to the most profound lessons? I had one of those moments today.  Earlier this spring I realized that I had a houseplant that wasn't doing so well.  No matter what I tried it wasn't dying, but it wasn't growing either.  I fertilized, transplanted into a bigger container, repositioned and  relocated, but still it stayed exactly the same.  Never changing and becoming an eyesore rather than a thing of beauty in our living room.  Finally in a last attempt to save it I put it on the porch with my outdoor flowers hoping that it would flourish there.  Sadly, a few days later I pulled off the last of the leaves and placed the container holding this tiny dead stem on the bottom shelf of our plant stand hoping that the living plants on top would detract from the empty flower pots underneath holding the sad remnants of plants that no longer showed signs of life.  

Today, I decided that some of those dead plants needed to be replaced with reminders of life so I purchased some seasonal flowers and proceeded to replace the dead and dying ones.  When I pulled out my little house plant ready to replace the sad brown little stem with a beautiful mum I was surprised to find leaves.

This sad little brown stem that I had ignored was growing!  This discovery has left me in a rather contemplative mood.  If this little plant had not experienced the change it went through earlier in the summer it never would have the opportunity to grow stronger and beautiful at this phase.  

In a way I relate to my little plant right now.  I'm going through a period of change that is incredibly painful at times.  Sometimes I feel like the little plant getting all of its leaves torn off as pieces of life as I've known it are changed and pulled away.  As I look at my little plant though I'm also reminded that these things are necessary.  As the layers of lies I've believed about myself are torn away, however painful it might be in the moment it makes way for the beautiful truth that God placed in me when he created me to blossom and the more that happens the healthier, stronger and more beautiful I become. 

I find myself extremely grateful when God finds a way to link these lessons to things that are part of my everyday life.  Now every time I look at my little plant I can't help, but hear the words in my head....  

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."

For those beautiful new beginnings to happen though I'm discovering that there are necessary endings that must take place.  Thankfully though God has chosen to give me a reminder in a little houseplant.

Struggles.... and Progress

So today an interesting thing happened to me after church.  Of course for this thing to make any sense to borrow from my favorite cartoon Phineas and Ferb... "There's a back story..."

The Back story....

Wearing dresses is something I struggle with in a huge way!  Don't get me wrong I LOVE a really cute dress with the right pair of shoes and the perfect accessories.  On other people that is....  I see so many women wearing dresses and looking so nice and confident, but for me while inside I want to look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's and look cool and put together totally and completely confident in my femininity I usually end up feeling much more like Mary Bingley in Pride and Prejudice.  Always awkward and never quite sure what to do with myself because in my mind everyone looks better in whatever they have on when I'm in a dress.  Every so often I attempt to buy a dress and wear it, but after an attempt or two it usually ends up in the closet as I look at it thinking if only I could feel like I looked good in it.  Pretty much putting on a dress for me means I will struggle with how I look the entire time I have it on.

Flash to today....

Today I decided (with Dustin's help of course) to brave the fear of how I would look and pulled one of my few dresses out of the closet to wear.  While I still did feel a little off something happened after church that changed this particular experience for me.  Our church has had the privilege of having two awesome interns this summer and Abbie happens to be one of those that I will look at on a regular basis and think...  I wish I could pull off something remotely like what she's wearing.  Of course I ALWAYS end up reverting to my jeans and continue to feel mediocre in the fashion department.  So after church Abbie approaches me and refers to my outfit as "hot" and/or "sexy" whichever I preferred...lol.  I couldn't help myself in the moment I laughed, but the more I think about it I appreciate the true message behind the compliment.  I looked nice and somehow from that compliment, the entire experience of wearing the dress.  The uncertainty that I felt.  It fell away as I realized that someone outside of Dustin saw something in me that I couldn't see.  

The Moral....

Never underestimate the power of words.  If you think someone did something well or even looks nice, that might be exactly what they need to hear to move forward and take yet another step toward the unknown..

I'm Okay....(Not)

So my last lesson I shared was from my manicurist.  Today.... It's from my new dentist.

See I have another confession to make.  Dentist terrify me.  I'm not talking in the normal sense that I dread it with a passion, but realize each year that it's never as bad as I remember.  I'm talking all out panic attacks,  fast breathing where's my paper bag reactions to the mere thought of a dentist office.  That's what made today such a huge day for me.

Today I faced my fear of dentists and walked into a dentist office for the first time in 17 years.  Yes, you read correctly.  For 17 years, I have battled with panic attacks at the thought of a dentist office, but today I walked through the door of one by myself and did NOT end up being treated for a panic attack.  So, yes, that is an accomplishment, but it's not the biggest accomplishment of my day.  The biggest moment of my day was when I admitted first to the dental assistant and then to the dentist that I wasn't okay.  I was nervous, I have panic attacks at the thought of entering a dentist office let alone sitting in the chair with someones fingers and metal instruments in my mouth, but there I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting these people do just that.  There is something that makes you feel not so alone when you are looked at and someone just says, that's alright.  You're here now and let's try to make this as easy on you as possible.  There is something freeing when they tell you that you are not alone in that fear.

I realized in that moment when this doctor who I had just met told me that it was okay to have those feelings and he would work to help me get past them that what I was hearing was it's okay to not be okay.  I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to act like everything is okay when in reality, it isn't all the time.  When I try to keep muscling through life acting like I'm okay when I'm not I keep others from ministering to me in their unique ways that God has gifted them.  If I had tried to muscle through my dentist appointment hiding my fear from the dental staff I would have left the office terrified that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed.  Instead by sharing my fears, these professionals that deal with this on a regular basis where able to  better prepare me for what would come while keeping in mind what I feared.  The same thing is true though for every other area of my life.  If I try to muscle through life acting like I don't experience pain, fear or insecurity at times I keep others from sharing the part of their experience that will help me the most, I lose the opportunity for others to pray for me over the things I'm struggling with.  If I try to act like everything is okay when it's really not, I'm lying to myself and others.  It can be a freeing thought when you start to realize that it's okay to not be okay.  Honestly, I don't think God means for us to be okay all of the time.  If we could then why would we need Him or others?  When we can admit that we are not okay, well, that's when God can go to work.  He can show us exactly why he puts some of those quirky friends in our lives as he uses them in unique ways to minister to the fact that we aren't always okay.

Lessons from My Manicurist

It's crazy when I stop to realize that today I've been married exactly 5 months.  It seems like just yesterday I was in the middle of the insanity of planning a wedding, but then in other ways it very thankfully feels a lifetime ago.  Don't get me wrong my wedding was beautiful in its simplicity and I'm glad I did it, but there were lessons and things during those moments of my life I have no desire to repeat!

I hear other women say so often that married life is a huge adjustment.  That learning to live with someone is such a challenge.  I can't really say that piece has been full of revelation for me.  We sorted through a lot of things during the planning and execution of our wedding for which I'm thankful.  Planning a wedding together lets you learn a lot about one another!  If you can survive that I'm pretty convinced you're set.  That is of course if bride and groom are both taking an active role in said planning.  That was probably my favorite part about our wedding.  Planning together.

I have found for myself the life-changing lessons have come from people other than Dustin.  I think one of those came as a result of a challenge.  The week before our wedding our church welcomed a new pastor of discipleship.  I've come to appreciate my co-worker and sister in Christ so much in those 5 months she has been a part of my life!  One of the things that Kim did early on was to challenge the congregation of Mooresville Church of God.  She challenged us to start living our lives purposefully and investing in others.  That challenge resulted in some interesting conversations between Dustin and myself.  As we wrestled with what that looked like for our new little family of two, there was one thing that kept coming to my mind.  My friend Laura's sister does nails.    The more I thought about Kim's challenge the more I realized that I was guilty of living my life with more thought to convenience for myself than with the idea of investing in the community I called home.  As a result, within a few weeks of Kim's challenge I found myself calling Sidney to make that appointment.  I had no idea the valuable lesson that God had waiting on me by that one simple phone call.

I've heard that when an addict enters a 12 step program one of the first things they must do is admit they have a problem, so here goes...  I'm Tonya and I have control issues.  Yep, that's probably the single most valuable lesson I've learned from Sidney in the months I've been going to her to have my nails made beautiful.  The thing I've discovered is that when I'm sitting across the table from a nameless person to whom I'm just a number on their time sheet I can let myself believe that the fact I need to control what they are doing with my hands, fingers and nails is because I can't trust them.  I don't know them.  When I'm sitting across the table from someone I'm building a relationship with, well, that gives a slightly different meaning to the fact that she keeps telling me to relax and let her do her job.

Crazy isn't it?  Something that some people would say was a luxury, a waste of resources and money that could be spent better elsewhere for me has become the opportunity for God to reveal something about me to myself.  Rather than a diva moment, God has turned it into a princess-in-training moment for me.  Every time I sit across from Sidney to have my nails filled or a new set put on God is finding a new way to teach me to not only trust others, but is focusing my attention back on the need to trust Him.  If I try to do my nails trust me it would be an EPIC fail!!!  So I know that about myself, what makes me think on occasion that if I just take back this one area that I've handed over to God that I'll do better than He can in a given situation?

The interesting part to this story is that it's a matter of trusting God all the way around.  Periodically I look at Dustin as he figures out our budget and ask the question, "Can we really afford my nails this month?  Do I need to stop yet?"  The answer always comes back that God's taking care of all of our needs and evidently those lessons I keep learning with Sidney are part of my needs right now.  Isn't it funny how we tend to think that all of our needs means food, water, clothing and shelter?  In my case I'm pretty convinced that realizing that I have control issues that I need to be actively and acutely aware of right now is seen as a need by God that is met by meeting with Sidney to have my nails done every other week.  I consider it a perk that he decided to teach this particular lesson in a way that means I get awesome looking nails as a reminder for in between visits!!

The Wedding

So this weekend marks four weeks since my wedding.  I had initially intended to try to post shortly after the wedding, but time flies especially when you are trying to combine 2 adults and 3 dogs into a one bedroom apartment!

So everyone who has followed my blog has gotten bits and pieces of what the vision was, but I have to say the overall results far surpassed my hopes!  I have to say that overall I think the ceremony itself was still my favorite part.  Pinterest was an awesome source of ideas that I was able to adapt to fit my wedding!  Between that and my trusty DIY books, David Tutera's My Fair Wedding series and the ideas of friends and family there were all sorts of unique touches to my special day.  Below are some of my favorites.

The Vows

The Unity Cross

My Bouquet

I think I loved the ceremony because it was simple and captured the story that is mine and Dustin's.  From the Prelude music which was some of our favorite worship music to the vows that even though they came from Pinterest could have been written just for us!  Add to that our favorite song played and sung during the Unity Cross Ceremony and being surrounded by our closest friends as we said our vows to the fun moment when we surprised our friends and family by our choice of ressessional which was Elvis' Burning Love.  It was quite the perfect day followed by a beautiful reception and an awesome honeymoon in Colorado.  

It's Here....

It's almost surreal that its almost here. Twelve hours from now I will be married. When I think about what my family and friends have put into today to make it happen I feel humbled. Everything from coming from another country to be in my wedding party to learning Dustin and my favorite songs to play and sing to the last minute flower arrangements after the rehearsal dinner was finished because I had to have real flowers. It all makes me feel very loved right now by the people I've spent the last week surrounded by. When I think of the wedding I would have settled for and see the one I've ended up with its more than I could have imagined. The moments standing on stage last night practicing were like this small glimpse into what today will be like and since I've handed off the last minute details to others I sit here in the early morning getting ready to start on the next leg of the exciting adventure that has marked my time with Dustin, Much like the unlikely band of companions in Lord if the Rings. I had an idea of the journey I was beginning 7 months ago, but its been much more of an adventure than I suspected at the start!

The Journey Nears It's End.....

It's hard to believe that my wedding is just 5 days away.  I find myself thinking about the journey it has been to get to this moment.  It really hasn't been quite the journey I expected when I started.  Somehow I think even despite all of the lessons I've spent the last 5 years learning there was still a part of me that kind of fell into the trap of thinking that getting married suddenly transported me to some fairy tale world as I planned this mystical moment I'd been waiting for.  I'm not sure why exactly, but for me planning a wedding hasn't really been this awesome, wonderful experience of feeling like a princess.  My experience with wedding preparations has been more a journey of self discovery on a new level.  It's been growing closer with Dustin as we tackle so many difficult moments, decisions and choices.  To be honest, I'm glad it's coming to a close.  I'm ready to be done with this part of my life and to move on to the next chapter.  Don't get me wrong at this point I wouldn't really change what has happened over the last 7 months.  I've grown in so many ways from it, but at the same time I don't know that I would have taken this route to get to the altar had I realized exactly what it entailed in July...  Maybe that's why God leaves our future so unclear to our present view.  If we were given the opportunity to see exactly what even the immediate future held I think it would be a little overwhelming.  I think one passage that has become very real to me through all of this is 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I like the way The Message words it as it really expresses well what I've spent the past 7 months learning first hand

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.


To me this has meant that God didn't throw at me month 1 of the chapter of my life called engagement what I wasn't ready to handle until month 7.  It's been this gradual journey of him molding me and making me into a different person.  In looking back over the moments I've set on the floor crying because I couldn't stand I realize that God wasn't pushing me past what I could handle.  He was taking me right up to the moment he was going to use to change me into yet another way that forms the bigger picture of what he has in store for me.  Looking at month 1 or even 3 of this engagement if I had been told God would be asking me to give up the job that was suppose to help pay for this wedding and sit unemployed for 6 weeks as part of that next step I think I would have run the other direction, but he didn't.  Instead he tested not only my faith, but Dustin's as well in leading our wedding in a direction that was beyond what we could manage in our own strength and finances and then proceeded to provide for even more than we dreamed would be possible.  It's funny, but through this I've learned to appreciate the little things.  The unexpected things that come along.  Saving $10 here or $20 there whether its on wedding supplies or groceries has an entirely new meaning now that I've realized those things I took for granted before are actually little ways God chooses to bless the decisions we make in other areas of our lives.  I've learned that he sends people into our lives with special skill sets that in and of themselves are blessings.  For some it's talking me through a crisis moment, for others its the ability to give me a beautiful hairstyle for that special moment and for others its skills in organizing so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out every moment of my wedding day.  All of that said if you ask me at any given moment my answer to any question related to my wedding will be I'm so ready to have this over with.  For me it's been this roller coaster that I'm more than ready to get off so the fact that the ride ends this weekend is so alright with me!  Of course I realize that what follows is adjustment and learning to live and function together as a couple in a way we haven't experienced yet, but I'm ready for that chapter to start.  It's funny as different well meaning friends have told me that all of this stress of the last months and the hard moments won't matter at some point or I won't really remember anything surrounding that moment later I have tried to listen and believe in that, but I think that deep down inside I know myself and I know that it's important for this day to express the story that Dustin and I share because I believe I will remember much of that day.  I really don't consider myself someone that has a photographic memory or at least it hasn't served me well in the area of study and school, but I remember important moments.  I remember the life changing moments like they were yesterday so I think more than anything it's important for me that our wedding express our story and that it's about us and I do have to say I think from the prelude music to the recessional to the reception our wedding will do just that for which I wouldn't trade even one painful moment of the last 7 months.  You see just like the pieces of our unconventional dating period the moments that make up the last 7 months have forever changed me and have laid the foundation of the relationship that we build on after we say our vows.

24 Days....

24 Days!!!  I'm so glad to be in the home stretch of this wedding planning thing!  It's been an amazing journey, but I'm very glad this chapter of my life titled engagement is coming to a close!  Honestly, even though there have been and still are moments I wonder what the heck I was doing thinking I wanted a wedding I have to say that  I truly am glad we decided to.  That said now that I'm one bridal shower, one girls craft day, one order of flowers, one dress fitting and a rehersal away from the actual day I will be SOOOO glad when it's over!  I have a life to get on with and being married with a wedding out of the way will be simpler!  That said I know that marriage will bring it's own set of challenges, but it's a step forward.  Planning a wedding is time consuming no matter how simple you might try to keep it!  Anyway, 24 days and the insanity ends!  And the adventure begins!!!

Coming Together....

This week has been exciting in that I've managed to get some of those little yet big things done!  My dress is in for alterations and FINALLY I'm starting to feel like its real!  After months of planning we're down to 5 weeks!  Honestly, I will be so glad when it's over!  I have a life to get on with... lol.  I do have to admit though that putting the dress on again after months of staring at it hanging there feels it starts to feel real.  Of course then I was able to figure out what to do with my hair.  I think its going to look beautiful!  Next week things start to kick in gear too since my mom is coming to help pull some of the decoration pieces.  I'm excited to see how it will all turn out!  I think the fact that arrangements for the honeymoon are underway helps.  It starts to seem real and like things are falling in place.  So maybe next time I post it will be a few pictures of next weeks projects!!

Exciting moments....

Today has been a super exciting day for a variety of reasons.  A few weeks ago I posted about my unemployed status.  Today I get to share some exciting news about that.  I am once again numbered among the employed!  I have accepted a position with our church to come on staff as an interim worship coordinator which is hugely different and exciting for me!  It's definitely a different direction from nursing, but one that I've been hugely fortunate in having Dustin's support in taking.  It's so funny when I stop and think back to the nearly 2 years ago that I first entered Mooresville Church of God to meet Dustin.  I don't think I ever would have imagined that one decision would have completely changed my life.  When I think that a few short months before meeting Dustin my sole goal was finding a guy and getting married it seems like I was aiming so low.  I'll never forget the October evening at Capital City Baptist Church when I finally came to a place I could hand my obsessive dream of marriage over to God.  I'm not really sure I completely understand exactly why for me God needed that specific dream handed over to him before he could bring Dustin into my life, but I do realize that it was one moment of growth that was only the first of many.  Somehow in handing that dream over to God I handed the biggest thing in my life over to God that was holding me back from becoming the person He wanted me to become.  Today in church as somehow the realization hit me exactly how much God had changed me over two years I realized that God had actually been setting this chain of events that would lead to this exact moment into my life in place years before I understood what he was doing.  He sent Kirby into my life years before I would ever take the first step through the door of the church, He sent Kirby into Dustin's life months before Dustin and I would meet.  All of the little moments such as being "volunteered" by Kirby for the first Easter choir I took part in, being stirred by the vision of the pastor I now find myself calling "boss".  Down to the timing of God asking if I was willing to join him in an unknown future that involved quiting a job with no obvious answer for what comes next to the position I find myself now accepting with excitement.  Even more so is the blessing of Dustin.  In Dustin, He's given me someone who doesn't just support me, but encourages and pushes me when I don't see something in myself that he sees in me.  If it's telling me he sees that I show ability in an area or if it's encouraging me to pursue a dream whether it's leading worship, writing a skit or thinking maybe I could make my Mary Kay discount into a profitable business, in Dustin God has given me a cheerleader when I need it and a moment of truth when necessary.  I never dreamed that day in January 2010 that I was walking through the door that would change my life forever!  I'm so glad I walked through that particular door!

Snow Day....

So today leaves me wondering how smart it was to plan a wedding in the winter in Indiana... When people start using the word blizzard a mere 8 weeks before your wedding you can't help, but ask yourself what you were thinking! Needless to say the weather prevented my day after Christmas shopping that I hoped to accomplish, but tomorrow is another day and that day will hopefully result in a dress for the flower girl. Now the plus side to the snow day is that I ended up getting the ring bearers bible together and the flower girls basket. So the day might not have resulted in the exact to do list being accomplished I had hoped for, but it was productive in its own way!

Finally....

Finally!!!!  I've made it past the 2 month mark. I've even made it past the 60 day mark.  Invitations are out and RSVP's have started to trickle in (or race in the instance of a few people trying to make theirs the first to be returned lol).  Rather than broad goals we're down to details such as order of service, do we have readings or do we forgo them?  After what seems like forever things are down to the last weeks.    I'm left with dress fittings rather than dress shopping.  When I look over the months since July I find I've changed so much!  I feel like I've grown from the experience.  Wedding planning the way Dustin and I chose to do it has brought us closer together.  We've learned a lot about each other and have grown individually and together as a couple.  I do have to say its a nice thing to be at a place where I actually get to enjoy the holidays.  No wedding stuff for me until next week and it's a wonderful feeling!  Well, I might have to look into that reading bit in my spare time to see if there is anything that catches my fancy, but no hard core planning until after Christmas!

And Still More Lessons in Faith....

I'm pretty sure God's trying to use the period around my wedding to test my faith and patience in every possible way...  It's been a while since I've posted and quite honestly it has been because I've been struggling with and making some of the hardest decisions I could possibly make.  I thought dating, having a relationship and getting engaged were big enough, but God seems to be determined to do things in big style for me right now since in addition to all of that I've had other changes going on as well.  I've officially joined the ranks of the unemployed.  Now interestingly enough it was by my own choice, but it was a choice I did not make easily.  I've mentioned in various posts about different parts of my life that have lead me to the moment of meeting Dustin and the events that followed, but tonight I find myself thinking about a request I made of God not long after my first visit to Mooresville Church of God.  I asked him to use me however he wanted.,  In the hours I spent sitting on my bed one night crying and struggling with what I was sure was the hardest decision I would ever make to leave a church and a church family I loved dearly to go to a church where I knew the grand total of one person and wasn't sure exactly where or how I would ever fit in or be accepted.  As I struggled with that thought I came to the point of realizing if this were what God was asking me to do I really had no choice.  I had to go.  The consequences of saying no and staying where I was when God wanted me elsewhere was a domino effect that I loved that church family too much to risk, but even more so I didn't want to live life in the Wilderness of No.  I'd been there before and it took me a while to recover from the last trip.  I look back on that four hour crying jag nearly 2 years ago as a turning point for me on a personal spiritual level.  It was a moment I can look back on and say with certainty my life changed in the moment I said yes.  The journey over the next year and a half was amazing, but I can't say that I expected the turn my life took in November.  You see I have this little habit of liking security and answers.  I like to see where I'm suppose to go and if I'm going to open a door to walk through it I want to know what's on the other side of it.  If I'm going to leave a job I want to know what I'm leaving it for.  I prefer a back up plan to the back up plan.  It makes me feel better.  I'm learning right now though that God doesn't exactly work that way.  He works in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.  So while Dustin and I had both been talking about what my career would look like after the wedding, I don't think either one of us was exactly expecting any job change to happen before the wedding took place, but happen it has.  Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that the world around you has changed to a point it's not exactly what it was when you walked into it.  That's what happened to my job.  As much as I loved parts of it there were a lot of things changing and I wasn't the person that could do the job the way it needed to be done.  You know I've always thought it was awesome the way when God called Abraham packed up his house and left to go to a country the location of which he had no clue.  It was inspiring when the disciples left their nets and up and followed some stranger who walked past their place of business.  Personally, I'm thinking it looks a lot more glamorous in the Bible when I can read the end of the story whenever I want that says, Abraham did find his country, became father of a great nation and things turned out just fine in the end.  As for the disciples, well, it still somehow seems a little different being able to look at their story and see how the dots connect to make the bigger picture.  For me in the here and now it's been a little bit of a struggle.  I mean I know I'm doing what I'm suppose to.  I know God has lead me to the exact place I am right now, but that doesn't mean I don't question.  There is a part of me that is tempted on occasion to think.... I'm a nurse with ten years experience, I can get a job that pays well numerous places.  But IF I take matters in to my hands and find a job that suits my purposes of security and stability that I can see in the immediate future what blessings do I miss that God's trying to bring into this season of my life?  So I'm sure by now you're wondering how my current job situation pertains to my bride status....  Well, it pertains in the lessons God is sending my way through the freak out moments I have.  You see by making me plan a wedding at this time in my life He is giving my faith a tremendous work out!  It's teaching Dustin and I things about one another that we might not have had the opportunity to learn otherwise.  I find myself thinking a LOT about Romans 8:28:

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

 

Even in this season of my life that feels a little uncertain in the change taking place I do know that God has something awesome in store.  All I have to do is look at the stories I mentioned earlier to be reminded of that.  Somehow there's a part of me that is much more empathetic to Abraham's decision to pass Sarah off as his sister rather acknowledging her as his wife in a moment of human uncertainty at the outcome of a particular situation.  There is a part of me that understands in a very unique way now exactly how the disciples came to be out in their boats fishing in John 21.  The interesting thing I find in that particular story is that Jesus never rebukes them for "caving" to the need for some certainty.  Instead he takes the catch (which he made possible) and feeds them.  If you look at the book of Acts though you never see mention of those nets and boats again...  I'm understanding exactly what some of those very real people, who I always tended to look at as characters in a story before, were feeling in what we like to consider their moment of weakness.  Yes, Peter denied Jesus, Abraham fathered Ishmael and Jacob stole Esau's birthright, but I'm finding as I travel this path I'm on it's easy to doubt and question when you don't see exactly what is around the next bend in the road.  So I find myself in the middle of uncertainty holding to the verse I've claimed as my own.... 

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, delcares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   -Jeremiah 29:11.

 

  The part of his plans I can see right now involve a wedding and Dustin.  The rest will fall into place in His time!

It's the Not So Little Things...

I find myself very thankful tonight.  I sometimes wonder exactly what it was that made God decide to send Dustin.  This week has been one of those weeks that I kind of feel like he ended up carrying me through the last part of it.  I'm not completely for sure why this week feels so emotional, but it does.  Sometimes I feel like I'm at some sort of turning point in my life and that always makes me just a bit nervous when events start to line up and I don't get the entire picture, but the thing I find now is that no matter how uncertain I might be about how something is going to work out Dustin makes a great cheerleader.  I never really thought I'd come home to a clean house after a bad day at work even after I was married let alone before, but today that was exactly what happened!  I came home to be greeted by three happy little puppies and a clean kitchen, living room and dining room.  Now those were all things that in my mind I had decided that I would push to the back burner when Dustin mentioned going out.  In my list of things to do tonight I walk through the door to find the things I was dreading were done.  Now I will give Dustin a hard time on occasion about the fact that his "filing" habits for my things aren't quite the same as mine and there are times when I'm hard pressed to find where he put something, but the reality.... I don't really care.  It's such a minor inconvenience in the big picture of I the love I feel when I walk into the house and realize that he knew...  without stepping foot in my apartment in 3 days he knew that with the week I'd had experienced I was not keeping up on the housekeeping piece and he stepped in and surprised me by taking care of it.  The moments like that I find myself kind of thinking I've spent so many years focusing on that magic moment called a wedding and now that I'm suppose to be excited about it, I'm much more excited that Dustin knows and loves me so much he gets me without my having to tell him the extra things that are stressing me out.  That stepping in and doing those things that hang over my head at times means more than flowers or chocolates.  Of course don't get me wrong the flowers came Wednesday and I was quite thrilled by those as well!!   

And we return to our regularly scheduled broadcast....

So the wedding preparations are underway once more.  There is something about me that kind of hates it.  I was enjoying the break!  I find that once again I'm ready for this to be over!!!!  Ok, so I'm in a better place, but I have decided that at 32 planning a wedding I'm not anything like I would have been in my 20's.  In fact I'm pretty sure I don't make a very good bride in a lot of ways.  I'm discovering I'm definitely not traditional!  I am glad in a lot of ways we did go the route of wedding planning as there have been so many growing experiences along the way.  In fact we find ourselves wading through so many issues now as we plan the wedding together that otherwise we would have been addressing the first year of marriage and very likely been ready to kill each other over...lol.  Most recently has been the infamous money topic.  Dustin has a very practical approach to money while I admit it is definitely a more emotional topic for me to deal with.  We're quickly learning that I deal with money in pieces.  I can handle talking about it for chunks of time and then I need a break.  Not that I have hugely unhealthy spending habits at this point, but I need the breaks to regroup rather than discussing through to the end.  The nice thing is that we're developing habits that will make our transition into shared finances much easier after the wedding.  In fact the awesome thing about paying for and planning your wedding together is that we have a trial run to figure out the things we need to watch for and work on.  So it strikes me as rather humorous the other day when it occurs to me that most girls see their wedding as that fairy tale moment when their world is perfect and everything exactly as they want it.  Yeah, well, my world might be perfect if you are a bride who is a number obsessed accounting major, but that I'm not.  My world ends up being perfect because at 32 I've figured out that fairy tales in their truest form are rough.  They aren't the happy animal singing version we've been sold by Disney.  They are dark and filled with human emotion.  Ok, so my wedding isn't this depressing moment in time, but the truth.... Sometimes that planning piece is really tough.  There are times when since we're paying for things rather than waiting on my fairy godmother to make a moment perfect, I wonder if things are really going to work out.   I admit that for all the times I think to myself it's a matter of trusting God that there are moments I find that my prayer ends up being "I believe, LORD.  Help my unbelief."  There's this part of me that even at this time though I find myself with the thought that we're going to have an awesome story to tell our kids one day though about how God gave us an awesome wedding and prepared us for marriage at the same time.  Of course at the same time I really am ready to get this wedding over and get on with the future ahead of us, because as God's giving us little glimpses of it....  It looks incredible!!!

Love....

Early on in my relationship with Dustin I read a book titled Sacred Marriage.  The premise of the book is the idea of what if God designed marriage to make us more holy than happy.  I found it an interesting concept and after reading it decided to try to implement it in my approach to my relationship with Dustin.  It was a totally foreign concept when compared to the way I had at one time devoured fairy tales and romance novels in an attempt to find the "meaning of true love".  I will say that I believe reading that book was one of the best things I could have done for our relationship.  It made me take a more balanced approach to dating with the goal of marriage.  It made me plan more long term and not focus so much on the instant gratification of the moment or on what I felt at the moment.  I find in many ways it has made a huge difference in me.  It's easy to fall into the trap sometimes of thinking I've waited 32 years for this. I deserve ____ (insert what I'm wanting from Dustin at the moment).  However when you start to focus on marriage or the relationship being about what God is using this other person that you have joined or are getting ready to join your life with to teach you it somehow changes things.  There's part of me at times that wonders exactly what it looks like after marriage because it already feels like I'm learning so many things about myself, but then God throws in the twister of letting me understand more about him through some things that happen with Dustin.  This weekend was a case in point.  I've developed a tendency over my life of holding things inside, through counseling I've learned to process through them, but I find that there are times when I still pull into myself to do that processing.  I'm not completely for sure why I've developed that rather interesting coping mechanism, but Dustin and I both are learning about that particular quirk of mine and how best to deal with it.  I learned something very interesting through it this weekend though.  I have to say that Dustin is good about letting me work through whatever it is I'm dealing with and supporting me as I do it even if it means I'm not quite ready to talk it out yet.  This weekend as I waded through the mess of emotions surrounding me the pulling into myself had a different effect than it's had in the past.  I found myself feeling incredibly lonely.  Here I was even with Dustin present during parts of it, but feeling isolated.  In the middle of it all I did find myself asking God exactly what it was I was suppose be learning in this.  It's taken me a couple of days, but I find myself looking back over the experience feeling that with the combined experience of Dustin and myself I have a visual of how it really should feel to us when we are experiencing distance and separation from God.  Now I by no means am implying that Dustin and I are some super spiritual couple, but this weekend was an amazing experience even in the middle of the sadness and loneliness that I was experiencing.  I mean the reality is that I knew all along that Dustin was there wanting to help me, wanting to offer his support and love, but for a period for whatever reason that I really don't understand even now I couldn't let him.  I'm not sure if I thought I had to get the answer myself or maybe it was I felt I couldn't bother him with something so trivial, but the truth...  He wanted me to bother him.  He wanted to be there for me even if he couldn't fix it he wanted to experience it with me.  It makes me see a little differently the idea of how it looks when we act like God doesn't need to be bothered with things from us.  It's like having a comparison of what it's like when we pull away from God to try to deal with things on our own.  He's sitting there waiting patiently, asking us occasionally are you ready to let me help yet (yes, Dustin asked multiple times if I was ready to tell him what the problem was).  There was something this time in seeing the look on Dustin's face each time I couldn't bring myself to share what it was that was bothering me when he asked that has me right now as I write this crying for a couple of reasons.  I realize in a relationship perspective that it hurt Dustin in a way each time I couldn't bring myself to share, but even more is the thought that the look I could see on Dustin's face is nothing compared to the agony it causes God when I try to push through every day life without him.  The moments when I push him away like a 4 year old saying "No!  I can do it myself!"  The interesting thing I found out after I finally was able to open up and start to process with Dustin rather than internalizing everything was the view that Dustin's perspective adds to complete the pictures.  His very simple response that made me pause was that he didn't like the feeling of separation and distance.  It sounds so simple, but it's so profound!  That's exactly how God feels when we push him away and don't allow him to be a part of our every day existence!  I know that the love that Dustin and I share is nothing compared to the love that God has for each and every one of us individually so if this is how Dustin and I experience this one moment in time how much more does God experience that distance and separation on such a large scale?  And He still doesn't leave us on our own!  It's pretty incredible!  I still feel like I've only scratched the surface on the magnitude of the realization from this weekend, but even that little tiny piece that has me understanding God just a little differently makes me so grateful that He has given me Dustin to learn these lessons a little better!