My Wonderland.....

So I find myself thinking again, which can be a thing to fear, but in this case it's rather interesting.  When you have lots of down time thanks to a sore jaw and then you have time to watch movies it can result in some interesting thoughts.

So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help.  I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version).  Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking.  That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though.  Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities.  The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down.  I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with.  I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts.  There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear.  When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?"  I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life.  I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them.  I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head."  Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud.  I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why?  There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears.  To borrow from The Message:  

“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.    (Matthew 28:10)

I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment.  As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point.  At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side.  In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me.  When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities.  When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace.  Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be.  I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity.  It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts.  I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward.  A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head".  I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!

Moving Forward from Fear

God seems to have me on a fast track to learning about myself!  As I sit here at 9:30 am on a Sunday morning, I'm thinking about the fact that I want to be heading to church right now.  I want to be looking forward to worshiping with my church family.  Instead I am sitting in bed surrounded by my furry family (and Dustin of course...) with an ice pack on my face.

You see yesterday I faced another fear, I had my wisdom teeth removed.  All four! Now the fear I faced wasn't the obvious fear.  I had the opportunity to meet with my dentist enough prior to the appointment that I was feeling good.  He had a plan in place, I was going to be sedated and would remember none of what was going on.  I was good with that.  Pain and I are not very close friends and the farther away he stays the happier I am.  So in the weeks leading up to my procedure I stocked up on Jello and instant mashed potatoes.  I considered what I might need to do in the days following to the point that I moved the original appointment from August 17th to August 31st so that I had the entire Labor Day weekend to recover.  I was set.

Fast forward to Saturday, August 31st....  I'm still in a pretty good place not too worried because I got out of bed just to come to the dentist office and sleep some more.  So here I am all settled in at the dentist office.  The first pill taken and starting to feel drowsy.  I don't remember a whole lot until I started waking up for everyone to realize that the sedation had worn off and there were still two teeth left to get out.  That's the moment I start to remember fairly well.  Here I am the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist and I'm in the middle of a procedure when my sedation wears off.  Of course the obvious question is what do you do?  Well, this brilliant girl makes the decision that we're in the middle of tooth three so let's just get them out.  Now had that been my youngest brother, Nathan, making that call there would have been no surprise at the "Get 'R Done" response, but I'm not one to push ahead into pain.  In fact I often wonder if adoption isn't the perfect way to grow a family since there are children all over the world that need loving families and I never can quite forget the part of Genesis 3:16 when God says to Eve, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children..."  So here I am the person quite convinced that adoption isn't a bad thing since natural childbirth includes a certain amount of pain, telling my dentist to push through and get the last two teeth out under a local.  So, after a brief pause for prayer (no way was I moving forward under my own steam!) my awesome dentist removed the last two teeth.  Needless to say I slept most of the rest of the day, but around 8 pm when I woke up feeling a little more like myself it was to an amazing discovery!  My greatest weakness had become a strength.  As Dustin and I discussed the fact that I had surprised us both by pushing through and getting it finished that day, it brought back the continuing theme God seems to be confronting me with lately.  When I'm weak and realize it that's when God makes me strong.  See, I know I'm the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist.  I can dissolve into tears at the mere thought of pain, but with God's help (and Dustin letting me squeeze his hands off) I made it through the thing that I've allowed to cripple me for so long!  I no longer have to waste time worrying about the what if's in regards to dental appointments.  I've had my appointment and I've survived what actually turned into a painful encounter, but one that allowed me to grow in my weakness by experiencing a portion of God's strength.

There is one thing that keeps coming to mind thanks to my friend and our church's pastor of discipleship, Kim, as the next step forward.  God has taken this debilitating fear that I have and has helped me overcome it.  Rather than spending the next six months fearing the moment I need to go back to the dentist, I have this space in my life now that the removal of that fear leaves, so I'm now left with the thought as my fears decrease and disappear as God continues to turn my weakness into strength what am I going to do with the time and energy that I spent on that fear?  Looks like it's back to the drawing board for God and I to figure out how to fill those available moments!

Strength in Weakness

You know, sometimes when I sit down to write a post and I realize that I want to start it by saying it's been a rough period I start to feel bad.  I think to myself that who wants to hear that I'm struggling.  People most often like to hear inspiring, happy stories and the honest truth is that more often then not I don't feel inspiring or encouraging.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just practicing group therapy for my group of one.  Then moments like the last week happen and I manage to connect a few more dots that are my story and a little bit more of the picture starts to form.  

The last few weeks have been lesson after lesson of God using people who were not obviously equipped for the job he wanted them to accomplish, but at the same time they had the exact skill set he could use!  It seems like God has made a point to bring to my attention historical figures such as Moses, Gideon, Joshua and even David, who while they were not necessarily equipped to the naked eye for the job God had for them they had the one thing he needed most.  A humble and willing heart.  They were all men who saw how they didn't fit the bill and were acutely aware that for success to happen God had to be in control.  I mean just think about David.  Here God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse (David's father) and even this man who had lived his entire life in close relation to God looked at the outward appearance and would have chosen any other son of Jesse to be king, but God knew that Israel needed a leader that would never be able to forget that his strength came through weakness. 

I've been struggling with the feelings lately of not being able to fill the role that God has put me in at this moment in my life.  Sometimes I question why in the world I ever thought I could be a wife, a help meet to my husband when I can't pull it together some days.  Why did God move me away from a career I was decent at to put me in a role in ministry that makes me feel like a ten year old attempting calculus?  I have lots of whys in my head lately, but finally God seems to be getting through to me that he's not doing this to punish me.  All of the changes are designed with one purpose in mind.  To show his power through me, Tonya Marie Schrougham.  Once I start to accept the fact that it's not about me a weight begins to lift.  I don't have to get it right all of the time.  It's ok for others to see my weaknesses because it makes God's strength that much more powerful.  

In the middle of all of this processing I'm always thankful when God allows me that moment when I realize I am not alone in my weakness and even the opportunity to see that while I might live with the constant reminder of the thorn in my side (Let's face it.... Fear of public speaking can be a definite weakness when God has put you in a season of life where he calls you to lead a congregation in worship) He also allows me to see myself through others eyes occasionally.  It's in those moments that I realize that while I might not get it right every time.  While there are moments that I find myself focusing on how dealing with my insecurities effect me rather than how they show Jesus to others.  It seems like that's about the time God sends someone to show me that he is using the weakness and helping me grow through it and I find myself thankful that he doesn't take it away.  It becomes the thing that keeps me from moving too far away.  If I try to go handle it on my own I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless, but the moment I remember to hand it back to God, I'm filled with an indescribable peace.  I find myself understanding what Paul meant we he wrote he was able to take delight in his weakness.  It becomes the thing that when I am following God's leading in my life it keeps me connected to him.  The only way I survive the struggle through the day to day encounter with my weakness is to turn to the One who gives me strength in it.  It means that by embracing the thing I dread the most, God gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as I look at each mile marker on the journey and realize that I made it!    The thing I was sure I was unable to do is now a testament to what God can do through me!  It's a lesson I know that I'll need reminding of in the future, but I always get excited when a few more dots connect and I can start to see the beginnings of a picture.