Moving Forward from Fear

God seems to have me on a fast track to learning about myself!  As I sit here at 9:30 am on a Sunday morning, I'm thinking about the fact that I want to be heading to church right now.  I want to be looking forward to worshiping with my church family.  Instead I am sitting in bed surrounded by my furry family (and Dustin of course...) with an ice pack on my face.

You see yesterday I faced another fear, I had my wisdom teeth removed.  All four! Now the fear I faced wasn't the obvious fear.  I had the opportunity to meet with my dentist enough prior to the appointment that I was feeling good.  He had a plan in place, I was going to be sedated and would remember none of what was going on.  I was good with that.  Pain and I are not very close friends and the farther away he stays the happier I am.  So in the weeks leading up to my procedure I stocked up on Jello and instant mashed potatoes.  I considered what I might need to do in the days following to the point that I moved the original appointment from August 17th to August 31st so that I had the entire Labor Day weekend to recover.  I was set.

Fast forward to Saturday, August 31st....  I'm still in a pretty good place not too worried because I got out of bed just to come to the dentist office and sleep some more.  So here I am all settled in at the dentist office.  The first pill taken and starting to feel drowsy.  I don't remember a whole lot until I started waking up for everyone to realize that the sedation had worn off and there were still two teeth left to get out.  That's the moment I start to remember fairly well.  Here I am the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist and I'm in the middle of a procedure when my sedation wears off.  Of course the obvious question is what do you do?  Well, this brilliant girl makes the decision that we're in the middle of tooth three so let's just get them out.  Now had that been my youngest brother, Nathan, making that call there would have been no surprise at the "Get 'R Done" response, but I'm not one to push ahead into pain.  In fact I often wonder if adoption isn't the perfect way to grow a family since there are children all over the world that need loving families and I never can quite forget the part of Genesis 3:16 when God says to Eve, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children..."  So here I am the person quite convinced that adoption isn't a bad thing since natural childbirth includes a certain amount of pain, telling my dentist to push through and get the last two teeth out under a local.  So, after a brief pause for prayer (no way was I moving forward under my own steam!) my awesome dentist removed the last two teeth.  Needless to say I slept most of the rest of the day, but around 8 pm when I woke up feeling a little more like myself it was to an amazing discovery!  My greatest weakness had become a strength.  As Dustin and I discussed the fact that I had surprised us both by pushing through and getting it finished that day, it brought back the continuing theme God seems to be confronting me with lately.  When I'm weak and realize it that's when God makes me strong.  See, I know I'm the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist.  I can dissolve into tears at the mere thought of pain, but with God's help (and Dustin letting me squeeze his hands off) I made it through the thing that I've allowed to cripple me for so long!  I no longer have to waste time worrying about the what if's in regards to dental appointments.  I've had my appointment and I've survived what actually turned into a painful encounter, but one that allowed me to grow in my weakness by experiencing a portion of God's strength.

There is one thing that keeps coming to mind thanks to my friend and our church's pastor of discipleship, Kim, as the next step forward.  God has taken this debilitating fear that I have and has helped me overcome it.  Rather than spending the next six months fearing the moment I need to go back to the dentist, I have this space in my life now that the removal of that fear leaves, so I'm now left with the thought as my fears decrease and disappear as God continues to turn my weakness into strength what am I going to do with the time and energy that I spent on that fear?  Looks like it's back to the drawing board for God and I to figure out how to fill those available moments!

Strength in Weakness

You know, sometimes when I sit down to write a post and I realize that I want to start it by saying it's been a rough period I start to feel bad.  I think to myself that who wants to hear that I'm struggling.  People most often like to hear inspiring, happy stories and the honest truth is that more often then not I don't feel inspiring or encouraging.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just practicing group therapy for my group of one.  Then moments like the last week happen and I manage to connect a few more dots that are my story and a little bit more of the picture starts to form.  

The last few weeks have been lesson after lesson of God using people who were not obviously equipped for the job he wanted them to accomplish, but at the same time they had the exact skill set he could use!  It seems like God has made a point to bring to my attention historical figures such as Moses, Gideon, Joshua and even David, who while they were not necessarily equipped to the naked eye for the job God had for them they had the one thing he needed most.  A humble and willing heart.  They were all men who saw how they didn't fit the bill and were acutely aware that for success to happen God had to be in control.  I mean just think about David.  Here God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse (David's father) and even this man who had lived his entire life in close relation to God looked at the outward appearance and would have chosen any other son of Jesse to be king, but God knew that Israel needed a leader that would never be able to forget that his strength came through weakness. 

I've been struggling with the feelings lately of not being able to fill the role that God has put me in at this moment in my life.  Sometimes I question why in the world I ever thought I could be a wife, a help meet to my husband when I can't pull it together some days.  Why did God move me away from a career I was decent at to put me in a role in ministry that makes me feel like a ten year old attempting calculus?  I have lots of whys in my head lately, but finally God seems to be getting through to me that he's not doing this to punish me.  All of the changes are designed with one purpose in mind.  To show his power through me, Tonya Marie Schrougham.  Once I start to accept the fact that it's not about me a weight begins to lift.  I don't have to get it right all of the time.  It's ok for others to see my weaknesses because it makes God's strength that much more powerful.  

In the middle of all of this processing I'm always thankful when God allows me that moment when I realize I am not alone in my weakness and even the opportunity to see that while I might live with the constant reminder of the thorn in my side (Let's face it.... Fear of public speaking can be a definite weakness when God has put you in a season of life where he calls you to lead a congregation in worship) He also allows me to see myself through others eyes occasionally.  It's in those moments that I realize that while I might not get it right every time.  While there are moments that I find myself focusing on how dealing with my insecurities effect me rather than how they show Jesus to others.  It seems like that's about the time God sends someone to show me that he is using the weakness and helping me grow through it and I find myself thankful that he doesn't take it away.  It becomes the thing that keeps me from moving too far away.  If I try to go handle it on my own I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless, but the moment I remember to hand it back to God, I'm filled with an indescribable peace.  I find myself understanding what Paul meant we he wrote he was able to take delight in his weakness.  It becomes the thing that when I am following God's leading in my life it keeps me connected to him.  The only way I survive the struggle through the day to day encounter with my weakness is to turn to the One who gives me strength in it.  It means that by embracing the thing I dread the most, God gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as I look at each mile marker on the journey and realize that I made it!    The thing I was sure I was unable to do is now a testament to what God can do through me!  It's a lesson I know that I'll need reminding of in the future, but I always get excited when a few more dots connect and I can start to see the beginnings of a picture.

Endings and beginnings....

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the simplest things lead to the most profound lessons? I had one of those moments today.  Earlier this spring I realized that I had a houseplant that wasn't doing so well.  No matter what I tried it wasn't dying, but it wasn't growing either.  I fertilized, transplanted into a bigger container, repositioned and  relocated, but still it stayed exactly the same.  Never changing and becoming an eyesore rather than a thing of beauty in our living room.  Finally in a last attempt to save it I put it on the porch with my outdoor flowers hoping that it would flourish there.  Sadly, a few days later I pulled off the last of the leaves and placed the container holding this tiny dead stem on the bottom shelf of our plant stand hoping that the living plants on top would detract from the empty flower pots underneath holding the sad remnants of plants that no longer showed signs of life.  

Today, I decided that some of those dead plants needed to be replaced with reminders of life so I purchased some seasonal flowers and proceeded to replace the dead and dying ones.  When I pulled out my little house plant ready to replace the sad brown little stem with a beautiful mum I was surprised to find leaves.

This sad little brown stem that I had ignored was growing!  This discovery has left me in a rather contemplative mood.  If this little plant had not experienced the change it went through earlier in the summer it never would have the opportunity to grow stronger and beautiful at this phase.  

In a way I relate to my little plant right now.  I'm going through a period of change that is incredibly painful at times.  Sometimes I feel like the little plant getting all of its leaves torn off as pieces of life as I've known it are changed and pulled away.  As I look at my little plant though I'm also reminded that these things are necessary.  As the layers of lies I've believed about myself are torn away, however painful it might be in the moment it makes way for the beautiful truth that God placed in me when he created me to blossom and the more that happens the healthier, stronger and more beautiful I become. 

I find myself extremely grateful when God finds a way to link these lessons to things that are part of my everyday life.  Now every time I look at my little plant I can't help, but hear the words in my head....  

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."

For those beautiful new beginnings to happen though I'm discovering that there are necessary endings that must take place.  Thankfully though God has chosen to give me a reminder in a little houseplant.

Struggles.... and Progress

So today an interesting thing happened to me after church.  Of course for this thing to make any sense to borrow from my favorite cartoon Phineas and Ferb... "There's a back story..."

The Back story....

Wearing dresses is something I struggle with in a huge way!  Don't get me wrong I LOVE a really cute dress with the right pair of shoes and the perfect accessories.  On other people that is....  I see so many women wearing dresses and looking so nice and confident, but for me while inside I want to look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's and look cool and put together totally and completely confident in my femininity I usually end up feeling much more like Mary Bingley in Pride and Prejudice.  Always awkward and never quite sure what to do with myself because in my mind everyone looks better in whatever they have on when I'm in a dress.  Every so often I attempt to buy a dress and wear it, but after an attempt or two it usually ends up in the closet as I look at it thinking if only I could feel like I looked good in it.  Pretty much putting on a dress for me means I will struggle with how I look the entire time I have it on.

Flash to today....

Today I decided (with Dustin's help of course) to brave the fear of how I would look and pulled one of my few dresses out of the closet to wear.  While I still did feel a little off something happened after church that changed this particular experience for me.  Our church has had the privilege of having two awesome interns this summer and Abbie happens to be one of those that I will look at on a regular basis and think...  I wish I could pull off something remotely like what she's wearing.  Of course I ALWAYS end up reverting to my jeans and continue to feel mediocre in the fashion department.  So after church Abbie approaches me and refers to my outfit as "hot" and/or "sexy" whichever I preferred...lol.  I couldn't help myself in the moment I laughed, but the more I think about it I appreciate the true message behind the compliment.  I looked nice and somehow from that compliment, the entire experience of wearing the dress.  The uncertainty that I felt.  It fell away as I realized that someone outside of Dustin saw something in me that I couldn't see.  

The Moral....

Never underestimate the power of words.  If you think someone did something well or even looks nice, that might be exactly what they need to hear to move forward and take yet another step toward the unknown..

I'm Okay....(Not)

So my last lesson I shared was from my manicurist.  Today.... It's from my new dentist.

See I have another confession to make.  Dentist terrify me.  I'm not talking in the normal sense that I dread it with a passion, but realize each year that it's never as bad as I remember.  I'm talking all out panic attacks,  fast breathing where's my paper bag reactions to the mere thought of a dentist office.  That's what made today such a huge day for me.

Today I faced my fear of dentists and walked into a dentist office for the first time in 17 years.  Yes, you read correctly.  For 17 years, I have battled with panic attacks at the thought of a dentist office, but today I walked through the door of one by myself and did NOT end up being treated for a panic attack.  So, yes, that is an accomplishment, but it's not the biggest accomplishment of my day.  The biggest moment of my day was when I admitted first to the dental assistant and then to the dentist that I wasn't okay.  I was nervous, I have panic attacks at the thought of entering a dentist office let alone sitting in the chair with someones fingers and metal instruments in my mouth, but there I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting these people do just that.  There is something that makes you feel not so alone when you are looked at and someone just says, that's alright.  You're here now and let's try to make this as easy on you as possible.  There is something freeing when they tell you that you are not alone in that fear.

I realized in that moment when this doctor who I had just met told me that it was okay to have those feelings and he would work to help me get past them that what I was hearing was it's okay to not be okay.  I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to act like everything is okay when in reality, it isn't all the time.  When I try to keep muscling through life acting like I'm okay when I'm not I keep others from ministering to me in their unique ways that God has gifted them.  If I had tried to muscle through my dentist appointment hiding my fear from the dental staff I would have left the office terrified that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed.  Instead by sharing my fears, these professionals that deal with this on a regular basis where able to  better prepare me for what would come while keeping in mind what I feared.  The same thing is true though for every other area of my life.  If I try to muscle through life acting like I don't experience pain, fear or insecurity at times I keep others from sharing the part of their experience that will help me the most, I lose the opportunity for others to pray for me over the things I'm struggling with.  If I try to act like everything is okay when it's really not, I'm lying to myself and others.  It can be a freeing thought when you start to realize that it's okay to not be okay.  Honestly, I don't think God means for us to be okay all of the time.  If we could then why would we need Him or others?  When we can admit that we are not okay, well, that's when God can go to work.  He can show us exactly why he puts some of those quirky friends in our lives as he uses them in unique ways to minister to the fact that we aren't always okay.

Lessons from My Manicurist

It's crazy when I stop to realize that today I've been married exactly 5 months.  It seems like just yesterday I was in the middle of the insanity of planning a wedding, but then in other ways it very thankfully feels a lifetime ago.  Don't get me wrong my wedding was beautiful in its simplicity and I'm glad I did it, but there were lessons and things during those moments of my life I have no desire to repeat!

I hear other women say so often that married life is a huge adjustment.  That learning to live with someone is such a challenge.  I can't really say that piece has been full of revelation for me.  We sorted through a lot of things during the planning and execution of our wedding for which I'm thankful.  Planning a wedding together lets you learn a lot about one another!  If you can survive that I'm pretty convinced you're set.  That is of course if bride and groom are both taking an active role in said planning.  That was probably my favorite part about our wedding.  Planning together.

I have found for myself the life-changing lessons have come from people other than Dustin.  I think one of those came as a result of a challenge.  The week before our wedding our church welcomed a new pastor of discipleship.  I've come to appreciate my co-worker and sister in Christ so much in those 5 months she has been a part of my life!  One of the things that Kim did early on was to challenge the congregation of Mooresville Church of God.  She challenged us to start living our lives purposefully and investing in others.  That challenge resulted in some interesting conversations between Dustin and myself.  As we wrestled with what that looked like for our new little family of two, there was one thing that kept coming to my mind.  My friend Laura's sister does nails.    The more I thought about Kim's challenge the more I realized that I was guilty of living my life with more thought to convenience for myself than with the idea of investing in the community I called home.  As a result, within a few weeks of Kim's challenge I found myself calling Sidney to make that appointment.  I had no idea the valuable lesson that God had waiting on me by that one simple phone call.

I've heard that when an addict enters a 12 step program one of the first things they must do is admit they have a problem, so here goes...  I'm Tonya and I have control issues.  Yep, that's probably the single most valuable lesson I've learned from Sidney in the months I've been going to her to have my nails made beautiful.  The thing I've discovered is that when I'm sitting across the table from a nameless person to whom I'm just a number on their time sheet I can let myself believe that the fact I need to control what they are doing with my hands, fingers and nails is because I can't trust them.  I don't know them.  When I'm sitting across the table from someone I'm building a relationship with, well, that gives a slightly different meaning to the fact that she keeps telling me to relax and let her do her job.

Crazy isn't it?  Something that some people would say was a luxury, a waste of resources and money that could be spent better elsewhere for me has become the opportunity for God to reveal something about me to myself.  Rather than a diva moment, God has turned it into a princess-in-training moment for me.  Every time I sit across from Sidney to have my nails filled or a new set put on God is finding a new way to teach me to not only trust others, but is focusing my attention back on the need to trust Him.  If I try to do my nails trust me it would be an EPIC fail!!!  So I know that about myself, what makes me think on occasion that if I just take back this one area that I've handed over to God that I'll do better than He can in a given situation?

The interesting part to this story is that it's a matter of trusting God all the way around.  Periodically I look at Dustin as he figures out our budget and ask the question, "Can we really afford my nails this month?  Do I need to stop yet?"  The answer always comes back that God's taking care of all of our needs and evidently those lessons I keep learning with Sidney are part of my needs right now.  Isn't it funny how we tend to think that all of our needs means food, water, clothing and shelter?  In my case I'm pretty convinced that realizing that I have control issues that I need to be actively and acutely aware of right now is seen as a need by God that is met by meeting with Sidney to have my nails done every other week.  I consider it a perk that he decided to teach this particular lesson in a way that means I get awesome looking nails as a reminder for in between visits!!

The Wedding

So this weekend marks four weeks since my wedding.  I had initially intended to try to post shortly after the wedding, but time flies especially when you are trying to combine 2 adults and 3 dogs into a one bedroom apartment!

So everyone who has followed my blog has gotten bits and pieces of what the vision was, but I have to say the overall results far surpassed my hopes!  I have to say that overall I think the ceremony itself was still my favorite part.  Pinterest was an awesome source of ideas that I was able to adapt to fit my wedding!  Between that and my trusty DIY books, David Tutera's My Fair Wedding series and the ideas of friends and family there were all sorts of unique touches to my special day.  Below are some of my favorites.

The Vows

The Unity Cross

My Bouquet

I think I loved the ceremony because it was simple and captured the story that is mine and Dustin's.  From the Prelude music which was some of our favorite worship music to the vows that even though they came from Pinterest could have been written just for us!  Add to that our favorite song played and sung during the Unity Cross Ceremony and being surrounded by our closest friends as we said our vows to the fun moment when we surprised our friends and family by our choice of ressessional which was Elvis' Burning Love.  It was quite the perfect day followed by a beautiful reception and an awesome honeymoon in Colorado.