The last few weeks have been lesson after lesson of God using people who were not obviously equipped for the job he wanted them to accomplish, but at the same time they had the exact skill set he could use! It seems like God has made a point to bring to my attention historical figures such as Moses, Gideon, Joshua and even David, who while they were not necessarily equipped to the naked eye for the job God had for them they had the one thing he needed most. A humble and willing heart. They were all men who saw how they didn't fit the bill and were acutely aware that for success to happen God had to be in control. I mean just think about David. Here God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse (David's father) and even this man who had lived his entire life in close relation to God looked at the outward appearance and would have chosen any other son of Jesse to be king, but God knew that Israel needed a leader that would never be able to forget that his strength came through weakness.
I've been struggling with the feelings lately of not being able to fill the role that God has put me in at this moment in my life. Sometimes I question why in the world I ever thought I could be a wife, a help meet to my husband when I can't pull it together some days. Why did God move me away from a career I was decent at to put me in a role in ministry that makes me feel like a ten year old attempting calculus? I have lots of whys in my head lately, but finally God seems to be getting through to me that he's not doing this to punish me. All of the changes are designed with one purpose in mind. To show his power through me, Tonya Marie Schrougham. Once I start to accept the fact that it's not about me a weight begins to lift. I don't have to get it right all of the time. It's ok for others to see my weaknesses because it makes God's strength that much more powerful.
In the middle of all of this processing I'm always thankful when God allows me that moment when I realize I am not alone in my weakness and even the opportunity to see that while I might live with the constant reminder of the thorn in my side (Let's face it.... Fear of public speaking can be a definite weakness when God has put you in a season of life where he calls you to lead a congregation in worship) He also allows me to see myself through others eyes occasionally. It's in those moments that I realize that while I might not get it right every time. While there are moments that I find myself focusing on how dealing with my insecurities effect me rather than how they show Jesus to others. It seems like that's about the time God sends someone to show me that he is using the weakness and helping me grow through it and I find myself thankful that he doesn't take it away. It becomes the thing that keeps me from moving too far away. If I try to go handle it on my own I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless, but the moment I remember to hand it back to God, I'm filled with an indescribable peace. I find myself understanding what Paul meant we he wrote he was able to take delight in his weakness. It becomes the thing that when I am following God's leading in my life it keeps me connected to him. The only way I survive the struggle through the day to day encounter with my weakness is to turn to the One who gives me strength in it. It means that by embracing the thing I dread the most, God gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as I look at each mile marker on the journey and realize that I made it! The thing I was sure I was unable to do is now a testament to what God can do through me! It's a lesson I know that I'll need reminding of in the future, but I always get excited when a few more dots connect and I can start to see the beginnings of a picture.
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