Lessons in Hope...

I find myself excited today!  There are some tasks that seem quite daunting and to be honest co-ordinating complimentary bridesmaids dresses with my maid of honor and bridesmaid in different countries was one of those things that had me a little worried.  Again I have to say that technology and David's Bridal made this a much easier task than I expected it to be.  It started out as a simple question on Friday morning to my maid of honor in Canada, "Do you have a black dress?"  What followed over the next afternoon was a fun experience in "shopping" with my maid of honor for dresses.  She would send me pictures and I could see how each different dress looked on her and how it would work with the overall vision I had for my wedding.  By the end of the afternoon we had settled on a dress that worked for her and as the store was kind enough to hold her size we were able to check with my other bridesmaid to ensure that it was something that would work for both.  By Saturday afternoon my maid of honor has her dress and this afternoon my bridesmaid had hers.  It leaves me feeling like things are beginning to come together.   My checklist of things I can mark off as finished is growing and it's exciting!  Bridesmaids dresses... Check.  Sample dress ready for initial fitting... Check.  Church reserved... Check.  Crinoline for dress ordered... Check.  Photographer reserved... Check.  Yep.  My done list is growing quite nicely.  Of course I'll admit that I'd really like it if that big piece of a venue for the reception would take care of itself, but as Dustin reminds me it's a problem to solve and we'll figure it out.  The little pieces that do fall together leave me with a sense of hope.  Hope that things really will come together after all.  Hope that as difficult as things seem at certain moments in this process that they will work together for good and result in beautiful memories.  The message this morning left me with three thoughts.  1) Hope is a choice 2) God allows the moments of despair to offer opportunities of surrender and 3) God gives us glimpses of his glory.    It leaves me with a few thoughts when you combine the message this morning with the accomplishments of the weekend.  God does not create the moment of my despair, but he does allow them.  He allows those moments that cause the tears because if I allow them I can learn as Job did to bless his name and be a testimony to the hope he offers by the lessons I learn in those moments, but then he provides the glimpses of his glory in the moments that present themselves in moments like this weekend where the dresses for two women in two different countries came seamlessly together as if the three of us walked into the store together to purchase them.  How I choose to view the entire picture is up to me, which pulls together the main thought I took away from church this morning.  Hope is a choice.  I can see the ease with which the dresses came together as coincidence or I can choose to see it as a sign of hope.  The hope that God can and will work those details out.  Will I get it right every time?  Maybe not, but each time I do makes me a little stronger in my faith and brings me a little bit closer to God.  And the reality is the journey even if it gets a little bumpy at times is an awesome experience!

Worth the Wait...

I've had some rather seemingly random thoughts today which were triggered by an article Dustin sent me.  I think it was initially sent due to the rather comical way I have a tendency to beg for "shopping trips" to the Keystone Mall when I'm feeling down purely because of the fact I can't afford to buy anything.  It's a rather crazy rational which Dustin didn't completely understand the first time I very "rationally" requested a trip to this particular mall for that exact reason.  The article that Dustin sent me today was about a woman about to be featured on the next season of Hoarders.  I found it a rather personal article in the openness with which she shared a small part of her journey from retail therapy that resulted in a house filled with items that she could never use, but a life that to anyone outside of her very small personal circle seemed very normal and functional, but one that in reality affected every aspect of her life and kept her relationships at a distance.  I suppose this is one of the things that really struck me.  You see, I related to this article on a personal level because that was me a few years ago.  I like the woman in the article got a certain high out of shopping.  It made me feel good for a little bit and then I had trouble getting rid of the items I purchased because with looking at them came the memory of a feeling I wanted to recapture.  There seemed to be a memory I could attach with nearly every item I had purchased.  I didn't really realize the complete picture of what I was doing at the moment and I can't really say that it was significant enough to those around me to cause undue concern, but none the less it was a problem.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but my moment of reality came as I was reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  Something as I read spoke to that desire for something that kept that feeling I was searching for a little longer than the brief moment of satisfaction.  That realization sparked a purging binge that lasted several months as I rather ruthlessly disposed of all of the "things" I had purchased in my search for that "high" that would make me forget the emptiness I felt at times.  It wasn't that I hadn't made a commitment to God or even that I wasn't trying to serve Him the best I could, but while I might not have been able to express it I was holding part of myself back from letting Him truly fill me the way I needed to be filled so that I wasn't continually re-experiencing those moments of emptiness.  At this point I'm sure you're wondering what exactly my rambling on this article really has to do with Dilemma's of a Bride-to-Be.  I think it's because I look at that period of my life as God getting me ready for Dustin.  The truth is I had a serious problem that if God hadn't stepped in and helped me to realize it I would have dragged our relationship and eventually even into our marriage.  It was a problem that expressed itself in the form of retail therapy and the need to own lots of stuff.  With the right motivation the buying habits might have changed, but I would have shifted my needs for fulfillment from the stuff to the man.  Of course then the shopping habits likely would have returned when the man couldn't fulfill the never ending need.  In the years following that purging binge I found myself.  I started to find the me that God intended for me to become.  In doing that I started to let God fill that part of me that nothing else could fill.  That made a world of difference in the challenges that come up in relationships.  Sometimes I get through them and find that I've handled them a way quite different than I know I would have before that moment of truth revealed in the self searching inspired by the classic work of C.S. Lewis.  Of course the plus is that after we discussed it after my first crazy request to go "window shopping" at Keystone Mall and what felt like my even more irrational explanation of why this trip was so important Dustin somehow understood.  He understood that while shopping is relaxing for me at times there are also times that those impulses still present a challenge so he humors my occasional need for controlled retail therapy and goes "dream shopping" with me in a safe environment.  It's one more way that demonstrates how God can give us so much more than we can even dream of asking for.  In my naive mind over the years I've wanted such surface things... A guy of my own so I was no longer alone and single, but instead of just any guy God gives me Dustin who lovingly puts up with my quirks and even finds ways to help me with the things I still struggle with on occasion.  It makes a wait that seemed so long during my 20's something I find myself very thankful took so long so that I could figure out a little better who I was going into a relationship and marriage.

Lessons in Faith...

I've discovered at this point in my life a lot of lessons and messages seem to come from all sides.  Example... I'm sitting in church yesterday and yep...  the message comes clear as day from the message itself.  It's time for a lesson in faith again, my dear...  I find I have a tendency to think that once I've learned a lesson that it's done.  On one level I do realize that it's a continual learning process, but I think I kind of find myself suffering from the delusion that the lesson won't be as hard the next time.  Now granted...  That's true at times, but it seems that as hard as the initial step might have been sometimes the progress while easier in some ways becomes harder as life changes those lessons to something I have to learn exactly how the lessons learned apply to my new normal.  Sunday I found myself sitting in church listening to the message which pertained to Faith.  I found myself going back in time remembering some of the messages I heard in the church I had just begun attending and the lessons leading up to that transition in churches that took place a year and a half ago.  Sitting there I found myself realizing that at one time I lived with the mistaken belief that hearing about a topic multiple times from various sermons meant I was dropping the ball in some way.  I just wasn't getting it so that reminder had to keep coming and coming and coming.  I've since realized that's far from true.  It's not necessarily some failure on my part to get the message.  Sometimes it's that I learned the first lesson successfully and it's time to move on to the next one which is a deeper understanding of how that lesson applies to the next phase of my life.  It took the faith to believe that God had some greater purpose in mind to make the move in changing churches when it was the last thing I wanted in my life at the time.  It took that faith to move me on to the next phase of faith that occurred during some of the challenges presented during the beginning of my relationship with Dustin.  And now I believe Sunday was all about God showing me that I need the lessons from those experiences going into the world of wedding planning.  Faith that things will turn out just fine even when I'm feeling overwhelmed, out of control or completely exhausted.  The great thing I'm discovering is that even though Dustin can't step in and learn the lesson for me, he can be a great support while I'm dealing with the lesson of the moment.  There's a line in the hymn "Come Thou Fount" that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I'm come".   When you look up the meaning Ebenezer (contrary to my young belief as a child does NOT refer to Ebenezer Scrooge...) refers to a stone of remembrance set out to commemorate a moment God helped Israel.  I suppose in a way I've come to see Dustin as my personal, living Ebenezer.  I look at him and know there was a time I never would have been able to handle the challenges that have gone into getting to this moment.  I know who I was and often I find myself thinking that's who I still am, but then Dustin serves as a reminder in so many ways of the changes God has brought to my life.  Oddly, enough Dustin serves as a very real reminder of the way faith has changed my life as so many of my life changing moments of faith include or involve him.  I believe with all my heart that God has given me Dustin and included him in those moments as a constant reminder of that faith that I can sometimes lose sight of, but it's up to me to remember those things when I look at him.  If the Israelites looked at their memorial and saw just a pile of stones it would never inspire them to the next victory.  In the same way I can look at Dustin and see just a man, a fiance, a future husband...  Or I can see a symbol of God's promise and a testimony to a faith I didn't know I could have.  It's really all up to me...

Keep Calm and Get Married...

Today I had a rather fun moment...  It's sometimes easy to lose sight of the fun pieces that are suppose to come along with a wedding, but spending the day with my adopted nieces has a way of changing the adult approach to a wedding to helping me remember why my wedding was something I wanted and looked forward to planning.  The adult pieces that come up and scream to be dealt with drowned out the fantasy of the little girl.  The fun thing about a day spent with those nieces...  They are at that age that thoughts of a wedding bring the fun thoughts of patterns, dresses and colors to mind.  The thoughts of where the money comes from to pay for those things are light years away.  There's something in their enthusiasm and excitement.  In hearing their plans for their future weddings discussed in interesting detail that brought back the memories of my own enthusiastic thoughts of my future wedding through the years.  The memory of the blurry face that always faced me at the thought of my wedding that would be waiting for me at the end of my walk down the aisle.  Now that face isn't blurry anymore.  It's a familiar and loved face.  It's a face that rather than just some blurry tie to a moment I wanted more than anything to make it to it's a face that has shared some of my deepest fears and concerns.  It's a face that has looks that bring certain shared moments to mind.  There's a certain child-like approach I found myself able to enjoy today that I haven't had the chance to experience.  It was seeing my wedding through the eyes of two young girls that have no opinions, suggestions or seriously intended advice.  It was like having the chance to see my wedding through the eyes of a younger version of myself.  There was something about hearing the over the top suggestions of things I really "needed" to incorporate into my wedding, the things that Dustin "would like" if I added them that gave me a chance to laugh in a way I haven't necessarily felt able to yet.  It was a day that felt like it put me in touch with my younger self enough I purchased a reminder of the day.  In the Old Testament, there are numerous instances of God instructing his people to set up markers to remind them of the moments He did something for them so that in the future they could look at that and remember what He had done.  Today I did just that.  In finding that inner little girl again from my day spent with Della and Keera I found myself buying one of the items the girls pointed out as a necessity.  You see, they might not have realized it, but the funny little cheap button pin is a necessity.  I need that reminder it provides for the future.  I need the reminder of the day, but also as the pin reads, I need to remember to "Stay Calm and Get Married".  I'm thinking more "fun" days for those reminders will be in my future, but today was definitely a needed moment!

Triumph...

So I've finally found my way out of the pit of burning desire for a wedding planner...  I've relinquished my dream of David Tutera showing up to and taking the planning of my wedding out of my hands.  (Ok, I'll confess to a degree that it's in part due to the fact that I now own the My Fair Wedding Visions and Revisions book...)  But even more so I think I've found my groove for thinking about planning a reception.  I have to say that when God sent Dustin into my life he sent the perfect man to deal with me during this rather chaotic period of my life.  I don't completely understand myself at times over the last month and a half, but Dustin somehow takes me in stride.  When I'm in tears and can't figure out why he has a way of making me believe everything is going to turn out ok even when I don't feel it at the moment.  When I came up with an idea in the middle of the afternoon he was the one to jump to looking for an answer.  He jumps to the task at hand, but he also celebrates the moments that matter with me.  When I finally figure out what the nagging thing that is sending me over the edge is he's there as my own personal cheerleader happy that I've made progress.  In some ways as stressful as it is to struggle with somethings when I get through the moment I can't help, but be glad it happened.  It brings us closer together as a couple, but also somehow makes me more secure in his love.  I already know in the moment I'm stressed out that I don't feel lovable or worth the effort so the fact that Dustin continues to go out of his way to make me feel cared about changes my world.  It strikes me that those moments that I experience that unconditional, undeserved love from Dustin give me a very personal and up close image of what God wants to be to us.  He wants to be there to celebrate the moments of triumph with us.  He wants to comfort us when we are hurting.  He wants to lift us up when we despair.  But if He is to do so He has to be included in those moments.  If I never share the moment when I'm discouraged with Dustin then he doesn't understand the moment of triumph over that thing that caused me to despair.  That's exactly how God is.  He wants to share all of those moments, but he won't force himself into the moment.  He's waiting for us to open ourselves up and share it with him.  And just as I find my moment of triumph over the thing that discouraged me doubled by the excitement that Dustin experiences along with me, our moments of victory can be blessings beyond measure when they are shared with God.

To Stress or Not To Stress....

I've come to the conclusion it's going to be an extremely long 6 months.  I'm a little over a month into an engagement and already I'm sick of wedding budgets, pricing items and lists.  This from the person that according to my co-worker lives by my lists.  I'm already tired of spending money on paper I've yet to make and the overwhelming magnitude of the numbers for what is considered a low budget wedding.  I'm totally convinced at this point a wedding planner is the way to go, but alas....  that's not in the budget.  It's funny to be at that place that I've dreamed of for so long only to find my priorities have changed to the point that I cringe at the thought of spending money on things that are only going to be around for one evening.  There's a part of me that thinks in the middle of all of it that the price of tablecloths would pay for a new sweeper.  Flowers, well, they're beautiful, they smell wonderful, but again why do I want to spend money on those things when for what they cost I could replace my living room lamps?  It's funny how as a teenager and even in my 20's I had my wedding planned out in detail.  My colors, my dress, the number of attendants, I had it all planned down to the songs I would have performed.  All things considered I suppose the ceremony is not a piece that causes me undue stress.  I'm pretty good with things where the church portion is concerned, it's the reception that truly makes me cringe in the planning.  It's funny how now that I'm spending money I've actually worked for how hard it is to part with for something that doesn't feel like mine yet.  Maybe I'm waiting for that magic moment for the inspiration to strike that says this makes it yours and no one elses....  Sometimes the overwhelming thing about "being in charge" is that you have to come up with the idea before you can hand off the project to your eager volunteers.  I think I'm kind of feeling a little like one of the brides on My Fair Wedding.  She was so overwhelmed with everything being thrown her way she tried to incorporate all of it into her wedding.  Now I'm not quite to that point, but I have come to one realization...  While the ceremony definitely feels like it represents Dustin and I the reception not so much so in the ideas sitting out there.  To borrow from my favorite wedding planner...  It feels like the ceremony is one couples wedding and the reception belongs to a completely different couple.  Not exactly what I had in mind...  So I believe I shall scratch my current thoughts on the reception and go back to the drawing board...

Standing Firm...

I'm starting to feel like planning a wedding is some kind of self exploration as much as an opportunity to learn how you do under stress as a couple and individually.  Personally, I'm amazed that Dustin hasn't asked for the ring back some days as I've sometimes felt I don't know myself very well so there's no way that he knows the me that he proposed to...  I discovered something really amazing though, I think he knows me better than I think most of the time.  Or maybe that God's really good about sending him just the thing to say when I need to hear it and he's really good at listening because he seems to be getting a part of me that I don't really get myself sometimes.  He's learning to speak to the part of me that sometimes gets drowned out when I have those moments of panic and stress.  He finds that way to focus me on the important things.  I think one way I really see this is that Dustin is not exactly a person who enjoys being the center of attention.  He'd much prefer to work behind the scenes than to be the one front and center which makes it rather humorous that of the two of us when I've been the one completely happy with the idea of running off to Vegas and saying my vows in front of someone dressed like Elvis with Love Me Tender playing in the background, Dustin has been the one to "stand firm" in the importance of that formal commitment in front of friends and family.  I find that right now for whatever reason I need that reminder often.  I need to to hear what he sees as important to that moment that will definitely take him out of his comfort zone to keep me focused.  His standing firm isn't really that of pushing me to do something I don't want to do, but more recognizing what is stress talking and what I really truly in my heart want.  It's like he's standing firm for me.  In someways it feels like he's fighting for me against myself (kind of sounds like I have a personality disorder...).  It makes me realize the time we've taken to get to this point means that he knows me better than I realized.  He recognizes the things that are important to me. but that I can start to lose sight of in the chaos.  When you think about it it's a little how God treats us if we let him....  He learns our heart and what speaks to us and if we let Him He will speak to that deepest desire and fills us in a way we can't even begin to imagine. 

The Ring....

So a very strange way to start a blog post, but tonight I observed that I really felt my ring needed cleaned so it would sparkle more.  I said as much to Dustin who then proceeded to collect everything necessary to accomplishing the task and clean my ring.  It sparkles again!!  Which leads me to think about the upkeep that goes into keeping the sparkle, shine and beauty in the ring.  It strikes me that my ring actually represents a lot more than just the promise of a future together.  It can serve as a reminder that if I don't make sure to do regular upkeep on the relationship that it can lose its brilliance.  The thing I've realized this week is that as hard as it can be sometimes it can mean encouraging Dustin to spend time doing things that take him away from me.  That can be really hard on the occasions that It feels like I've waited so long now I want every minute possible with him.  There are times I don't quite get it right.  There are times like many in the last month that I do forget that he needs a chance to regroup.  Thankfully God manages to send someone along to remind me of it just when I need that help to focus on Dustin's needs and not just what I want.  Of course now I also have a ring to remind me of that little fact as well...

To Live....

The last few days have been interesting in the thoughts I've had.  Somehow a celebration of the life of a little 4 month old who has impacted so many people leaves you considering your own life and what's important.  Since God's timing is always perfect I don't think it's any coincidence that my moment of clarity came the day before I spent two days absorbing the impact of this little guys life on so many others.  Somehow that realization of what Logan's little life meant to so many people had me re-evaluating some things.  I found myself making the observation to Dustin that it left me with the realization that in relationships there are some moments you only have one opportunity to be there for someone.  If you miss that moment you never get it back.  I found myself going to a celebration of life on Tuesday for that exact reason and was so glad that I had found a way to take the time to be part of that moment.  There was something about being part of that moment as my friends Chris and Amanda told their little son good-bye in their own special ways that made me realize that there are so many possible continuing chapters to Logan's story.  This is not a story that ends with that moment on Tuesday...  Chris and Amanda have their chapter to continue, but there's a chapter in my life titled Logan as well and my story builds from the moment this little baby entered the world to the moment God took him home and the unique lessons that I learned from this special little family that God put together adds a chapter to my life that will forever include little Logan Christopher Thorne.  I might have never had the chance to meet him, but none the less he became part of my life and story.   I find myself with a new appreciation for the lyrics of a song I've grown fond of in the last few months as Logan gives them new meaning

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

I suppose in a way Logan makes me realize that life is short.  As Proverbs 27:1 points out we don't know what a day brings, when we begin to take life for granted we act as if nothing will change.  I think this tiny little boy and his parents really make me realize the importance of making those moments count.  It leaves me with a feeling of purpose.  A need to treat each moment as if it's precious.  To approach my relationships with more purpose.  To live life with a little more abandon and truly learn to live as if each day could be my last....

Normal...

It's funny how different people can be telling you something over and over, but suddenly one person says the exact thing that gets through to you.  For me my friend Raegan happened to be that person.  Somehow the thing that many people had been telling me clicked.  It kind of feels like I've finally walked out of the fog that has been the last month and found my normal again.  Thanks to Raegan I had the moment I've been looking for where I realized that needed to snap out it.  It's like by that falling into place I feel like myself again.  I found my normal again.  It's like in finding that the fact that I've realized that I needed to find some way to set boundaries in the middle of all of this has fallen into place.  But even more than that I realized something really important about myself....  If I don't watch it I ask too much from Dustin.  I think that's some of what blindsided me a little that sudden change in me that seemed to want to equate engagement with his time is my time.  That conversation with Raegan actually helped remind me of the need to encourage him to have his time and space.  The funny thing???  That particular subject did not even remotely come up in our conversation, but the things that did helped me start to feel like myself again which in turn made me realize the things that started to shift in my approach to our relationship.  The other funny thing was that by that shift taking place other things started to change in my approach to work, wedding plans and a variety of things.  It's one of those things that continues to amaze me the way God sends just the person into our lives at the exact time we need them and builds the relationship where it needs to be for just the exact moment such as Sunday.  Try telling me something is too small to warrant God's interest....  I think not!!

Be Still........

So Dustin made the observation yesterday that we had now been engaged a month.  It's hard to believe!!  I'm not sure if it was the feeling that I had very little done or what exactly it was, but I found myself feeling off a little after that observation.  Not that I don't love being engaged, but there was something that threw me off at realizing we had been engaged for a month.  I'm still not completely for sure what exactly it was that had me feeling off by that observation.  I tend to suspect that it was a combination of the rather lengthy to do list of non-wedding related things in addition to the little things that were wedding related that it seemed were being asked on a regular basis that added to a feeling of stress that even Dustin in his constant support and assurance we'd work through it together and figure it out couldn't quite remove.  There's just something that being asked the same question multiple times that merely adds to my anxiety level.  It really doesn't matter if the question is being asked by four different people over the period of a week it's the repeating the same answer that is no answer that gets to you.  Kind of makes you feel like you're failing the test that you didn't know was coming.  Some really awesome things happened this weekend though...  Nearly everything on the lengthy to do list was completed.  With Dustin's help they all fell into place and I end up with this sense of accomplishment!  The other thing is I found out a lot of things are coming along better than I realized.  The initial steps of my dress have been started and with any luck the initial sample will be done sooner than expected!  I had the opportunity to look at one possible location for a reception venue.  Even better I had that comforting offer of help when a chance conversation at church provided me with a resource for information on another possible venue.  That conversation as brief as it might have been turned the tide on the overwhelmed feeling I had been experiencing.  That moment and the relief and feeling of friendship it brought with it allowed me to finally feel a sense of hope that things would come together after all and allowed me to realize the pieces that had started.  Thanks to my little flower girl I find myself excited at the thought of "looking for sparkly dress and shoes" so she looks like a princess.  As the message this morning instructed thanks once more to Sarah I found myself able in some way to be still and really see what God was doing around me and to realize that just as with Dustin and I meeting, dating and becoming engaged He's working those details and timing out.  I just need to slow down and be still and absorb it...

The Inspiration....

I've had some loving, concerned inquiries due to the nature of some of my posts that have me thinking I probably should use a post to clarify some things so my caring friends and family and concerned strangers don't think I'm in a constant state of depression!  I suppose to truly explain where the inspiration for this blog originates I have to go back to the month of January 2011.  You see the blog itself might not have started that day, but the events that make it possible for some of my rather candid posts were put into motion.  Interestingly enough there were four people responsible for those events that began in January and not one of them happened to be Dustin.  The first person to set the wheel in motion was my big brother Kirby (no to those of you related to me Mom and Dad do not have some hidden child you never knew about, Kirby is one of those friends that turns into family, in this case my "adopted" big brother).  You see, Kirby texted me one Sunday morning wanting me to come to church to meet Dustin.  Now as I believe I've stated in a previous post Kirby was and still is not a matchmaker so when Kirby wants me to meet a guy and wanted me to come to church to do so I kind of took it from the start as a sign from God as something I was probably suppose to do.  So thanks to Kirby I go to church at Mooresville Church of God, where I hear for the first time the man who would become my pastor, John Crump.  Enter the second influence in the chain of events...  There was something about John's message that morning that spoke to something deep inside me.  The desire that I had kept pushing down thinking it would take more than I could ever hope to give, but a desire that had started as a teenager to live this life that included God in every aspect of it.  John spoke to that and made me leave with the encouraged thought that just maybe that dream wasn't a pipe dream, but a dream that God wanted to make a reality!  I left the church that day thinking Dustin (who I had originally come to meet) was nice and really cute, but John had captivated me!  I wanted to know more.  I kind of think I know how the crowds that followed Jesus, Peter and Paul around must have felt as I cyber-stalked John through the church website listening to every message he had given over the course of a year completely fascinated by one sermon in particular that I listened to so many times I could nearly quote it!  Oh, and I listened to them in a 2 week period.  I couldn't get enough of the vision that he presented that spoke to that deep seated need inside of me to have a purpose.  But not just any purpose, I wanted my life to impact others.  I wanted God to be able to use me in a way that would draw others closer to him.  During the two week period that I was cyber-stalking John, the two other people who were instrumental to the events of that month were busy filling the role God had placed them in my life to complete.  I've mentioned Bob and Michelle in previous posts, but during this period both of them, but especially Bob were sounding boards as for the first time in my life I questioned the really hard things in my life.  As I struggled with answers to questions that were some of the toughest I'd ever had to ask myself Bob was there sharing his story when needed, offering scriptures when called for and giving me impromptu sermons on occasion.  Bob and Michelle as a couple gave me a variety of views and shared experience in the challenges they had faced.  The combination of these four influences had me reaching one huge realization.  I was 30 years old and I had lived most of my life switching out various masks.  I was 30 years old and there truly was not one person on earth who knew the real me.  Everyone knew the version of me that I felt was the safest to let them see.  In one way they were all parts of me. but I had my church mask, my work mask and my social mask.  If people blended from the different areas of my life they would notice the difference and deep down inside I always knew that which was why I had tried for so long to keep the various pieces of my life from mixing.  John had awakened that desire in me to let others see God through me, but with it there came a realization...  If people were going to see God through me then the mask had to come off.  To be honest I'll forever be grateful for these four people in my life as because of their influence I entered into friendship with Dustin without the masks of my various lives.  So now fast forward to July of 2012...  Dustin proposes and I realize something...  God was challenging my commitment to openness.  As I've struggled with the different pieces that come from that relationship change and realize the lessons He's teaching me I find myself thinking that maybe this is the first step.  Being open means making yourself vulnerable, sharing the parts of your story that taught you the most (as Bob did for me). No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.  (Luke 11:33 NIV)  If as I've said in various posts, I truly believe that not only marriage, but the engagement period is designed to bring Dustin and I closer to God and one another.  And if we are to be God's light to the world, it stands to reason to me that the lessons God has for me in wedding planning, working through the various challenges of our relationship and the personal struggles that I have are part of how God plans for me to be his light.  I don't really expect to get it right every time, but do any of us really love a perfect hero or heroine?  Don't we adore Mr Darcy because of his pride and love Lizzy Bennett because of her prejudice?  Is it not Aaragorn's lack of belief that he can be king that makes us follow his part of the journey hoping that he'll realize his true potential?  Personally of the disciples, Peter is my favorite because of the fact he is a flawed man that God is able to use greatly!  So my blog was born because I felt God challenging me to share the journey that Dustin and I are taking and what I'm learning in my struggles and joys.  Will some moments sound depressing?  Very likely because some lessons just aren't fun to have to learn.  But reality is that there is no one that makes it through life without disappointment, hurt and even agony at some point, but if we're honest in those struggles God can use us to be a blessing to someone else or even use someone else to bless us when we need it...

The Next Step...

I think I'm starting to find a little bit of normal in the middle of the chaos.  I've finally found a balance that will help me pace myself.  For nearly a week now I've found myself really not thinking about  wedding things much.  I've found myself managing to think minimally about all of the things on the to do list.  Now tomorrow I find it is time to start thinking about those plans again though.  Tomorrow I go to look at one of the possible locations we've been talking about for a reception.  We'll see how things go.  Hopefully I'll have some answers tomorrow!  I'm hoping once I get an idea of where the reception will happen some things will start to fall into place, but we'll see!!