Somber Thoughts...

Today finds me rather somber....  Friends of mine have just lost their beautiful baby boy.  For some reason I find that it leaves me thinking of the more serious side that comes after the wedding.  The pieces that the deeper conversations such as last night's discussion about children and finances begin to build toward.  Maybe our discussion on children last night is what leaves me feeling rather somber today since little Logan was part of the reason our discussion started.  I think it's left Dustin and I both feeling the responsibility that comes with thinking about what comes after the wedding happens as you begin to contemplate the thought of a family.  So...  Rather than a lengthy post from me I find myself sharing my friend Amanda's last 2 posts regarding Logan pictures and all.  Please keep Amanda and her husband Chris in your prayers.

Confessions of a Heart Mom #387

We are headed to the hospital tomorrow. This will be our last night home for a while. And I must confess there are a myriad of thoughts running through my head. I am wondering if Logan will come home with us. Is this our last night with him? I have spent the past several days trying my hardest to memorize as much about him as possible. The way he folds his hands in front of him when he sleeps, his uncanny ability to always kick one sock off. He loves to try and stick his whole hand in his mouth right now, and it is the cutest thing. When he lays over his boppy, he loves to throw one arm over and just let it dangle. He has so many weird quirks that its hard to memorize them all, but he never ceases to make me smile.
I am so scared about this week. The unknown is looming before me, and it is so terrifying. I don’t know what I will do if I lose my Logi Bear. I am sick to my stomach.
I am once again in a position where I have to learn how to put my whole trust in the Lord. It is so hard right now, because I just want to know what is going to happen. I have spent the past few days begging God to let us keep this special gift he has given us. I love him with my whole being.
Lately I have been thinking about all of the miracles Jesus performed in the Bible. I have always loved to hear them and read about them, but these days they hold a very special place in my heart. Some of the miracles Jesus did were because people came and begged him with an unwavering faith. I have been doing that. I keep saying “Help thou mine unbelief.” I know that no matter the outcome a miracle will happen, but I am asking specifically for the miracle of life. He has saved Logan’s life twice now, and He can do it again!!!!
Tomorrow is Logi’s heart cath, and we will find out the exact time of the surgery as well. The procedure tomorrow will be around 11:30. Thank you so much for the prayers, we believe and take comfort in the truth that God is in control and nothing about these next couple of days will be a surprise to Him. And no matter what the outcome He is still so so Good!!!!
God is so good….He’s so good to me.

Home sweet Home

Our sweet baby went home to be with Jesus this morning..we are so confused and hurting so badly, but.we know a peace and comfort that is beyond understanding. Thank you for all your prayers we will.covet them now more than ever.
Logan is still a miracle and he is where there is no more pain. And.he now has a whole heart. Though I am sure he is just as high maintenance as ever. Jesus is going to have his hands full!!!!
God is good, and we will get through this leaning on him one step at a time

The Silver Lining....

I feel like I've started to see the silver lining after Friday's down moment.  I hate it when I feel like I lose my weekend because I have to spend a part of it sorting through moments like Friday.  Those moments that make me feel like I'm lost, not important and alone, they're frustrating.  I suppose the thing I know that is being reinforced at times like that my problems and issues don't go away because I have a ring on my finger.  In fact in some ways they become bigger as I'm sorting through not just how they affect me.  I'm learning that how I respond to them and deal with them affects Dustin as well.  The being engaged piece changes things in some ways in that it has me wondering at times if I can really handle the intricacies of the relationship.  Do I really have what it takes to make this work?  The reality is that no, I can't make this work.  I can't become this perfect paragon of virtue we like to refer to as the Proverbs 31 woman who never seems to second guess her choices, never appears to become irritated with the man in her life or have a short temper with her children.  The moments that make me despair of ever successfully navigating the world of male-female relationships are impossible for me to handle on my own.  When I try to handle it on my own I end up stressing myself out.  Now the ultra-spiritual minded person is likely reading this thinking, yes, she realizes it, finally!  She needs God to get her through this.  Well, that might be, but not exactly what I'm thinking.  Sure I need God, but in reality he's already given me exactly what I need to handle the situation.  He gave me Dustin....   I just have to learn how to use him in those moments.  It's really easy for me to get irritated at the moments I'm stressed by all of the other things going on in my life and to try to take it out on the solution that God already has in place.  Saturday was a learning moment for me when I realized as we talked out the things I was struggling with that Dustin had some very good insight and solutions to handling some of those things that were a problem.  He was able to provide a listening ear to the ones that he could not "fix", but having him listen made a world of difference because it felt like I mattered.  A song that's currently a favorite of mine is God Gave Me You. The words express exactly why I think God sent Dustin into my life.

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

Today more than ever I feel that is exactly what God did when he sent Dustin into my life.  I've often said that seeing myself through Dustin's eyes changes how I see myself.  I'm realizing it also changes how I see the circumstances I'm in.  Again am I putting Dustin on some pedestal with the expectation that he'll never disappoint me?  By no means!  I fully expect to be frustrated by him multiple times over the next 50 or 60 years, but the truth....  I do believe that God gave me Dustin for those moments when I feel like I did Friday.  Those up and down moments are going to come.  They come with or without Dustin.  But I can't help but think of Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV)... If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  God gave Dustin and I one another for that exact purpose.  To strengthen one another's weaknesses and to build up one another's strengths.  Seeing myself through Dustin's eyes makes me believe things I thought were hopeless or unrealistic dreams are possible.  My silver lining to Friday.... It was the moments when I could finally voice my struggles that brought us just a little closer together.  That made us understand some quirks about one another a little differently.  That's my silver lining.... It's the realization that Dustin thinks I can do this so because he has that faith in me, I find myself believing I can....

Lost....

I find myself struggling today.  In fact I find myself a little hesitant as I write this, but at the same time I don't think I'm probably alone in this particular struggle.  Today I struggle with the feeling that you could take me away from any given relationship in my life right now and they all go on.  They don't really miss me.  Today I feel like just a body that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  I feel like life goes on for everyone else if you take me out of the equation and no one ever gives a second thought to the fact I'm not there.  I feel incredibly dispensable today.  It's not really a feeling of depression.  At least not the hopeless kind that I've experienced before.  It's more like I have this aching need to feel like I matter somewhere.  There's an old song that comes to mind with the lyrics that express that need, "Do they miss me at home do they miss me, t'would be an assurance so dear.  To know that this moment some loved one, is saying I wish he were here."  At work I leave the day feeling my sole purpose is merely to be productive.  Not to touch lives, but to do as much work as I can humanly be pushed to handle.  And when work starts to interfere with my personal life it feels like it really doesn't matter to anyone.  I end the day with this ache inside and even tears that mere words don't really seem to impact I just feel empty for some reason.  Part of me suspects that work has taken everything from me today.  I mean I had a very enjoyable evening with Dustin and some of his friends and somewhere inside I feel like that should make a difference, but I'm still left with that feeling of isolation even though I've been with people all day.  Sometimes I think it's the coming home to an empty apartment and spending whatever time I have that I'm awake there by myself.  I really am not quite for sure why that affects me the way it does anymore.  Maybe in the vein of some of my previous thoughts that if marriage is suppose to draw us closer to God and if as I suspect that the engagement period is part of that process maybe God's trying to show me what it feels like when I pull away from him....  What He feels like when I partition him off in a certain area of my life.  Now don't get me wrong Dustin has tried very hard today to make me feel cared about and to show me that I matter.  And I believe it when he's right beside me, but when he's somewhere else... Then I struggle with that feeling of isolation...  Well, that and the headache that came from a crying jag that started at Carmel and didn't end until I hit Mooresville.  It feels like an extremely long day and even longer night stretching in front of me....  I do believe that somewhere there is some silver lining, some bright spot, but the truth... I'm not seeing it right now, I just feel pulled down and sad.  A little lost and very alone and really wishing I could get the bigger picture to why I have to feel like this right now.

Suggestions Welcome...

So today I found myself thinking about the adjustments that married life will bring into the lives of Dustin and myself.  It was brought about by the simple comment that he made upon realizing my choice of food for supper was cereal.  Now I can't say I was ever really a fan of cereal when I was younger, but somehow since I've gotten a little older it's become a very convenient meal at the times that cooking is just too much of a stretch.  Anyway...  his comment coupled with some observations made by a couple of co-workers made me think about what some of those changes look like.  Somehow I have a feeling that my tendency to rush getting ready in the morning and leaving a trail like a little tornado in my wake will probably be one of those little quirks that will take some adjusting and compromise. Part of me realizes that getting ready for a wedding is showing us some very interesting things about one another.  Give him a project that design related and he's all about it.  So it's very easy for me to hand over invitations and cake selection to the artist and not worry about what any of it looks like or what happens with it (ok I'll admit I'll probably have a need to touch base and follow up on it, but for the most part other than a check to confirm timing I think I'll be fine).  Other pieces I find I might need to have opinions from other people (a.k.a women) as his answer reflects his love of simplistic design.  I have a feeling ceremony planning left to Dustin would leave me wondering why we bother wasting money on a ceremony when a courthouse or even the pastors office would have served the purpose just as well...lol.  Princess Kate's wedding I do not need, but I think my ceremony will be slightly more fleshed out than running everyone down the aisle exchanging a few words and running back down the aisle...  I started an interesting devotional today.  It talked about celebrating the uniqueness of you as a couple for your wedding.  It strikes me as I definitely want that and that is what so many things that I want to do stem from.  Now to figure out how that translates into the actual ceremony...   I'm more than open to ideas from anyone who would like to share things that made their ceremony special.  I'm looking for ways to adapt tradition or even alter it to make it uniquely suit us as a couple so comments are welcome of things you might have done or have seen done.

Wedding Free Days....

I love it when God sends awesome ideas through unexpected sources.  The theme of my day today has been slow down and take it easy!  It's a fault I feel I'm continually working on, but somehow I get to the end of today and realize God has put me in constant contact with people who aren't afraid to remind me of that when I need it.  I have an awesome co-worker that I share an office with.  Having Tammy around is like finally having the older sister I never had.  Tammy serves as a voice of reason on occasion, a source of excitement at other times and yet other times like today she serves as a wealth of wonderful ideas.  Today's suggestion...   Having certain designated "wedding free" days.  Days that wedding planning is laid to the side and I take time to enjoy this time with Dustin and make those memories for later.  I did realize after her suggestion that the best parts of the night before had occurred to before thoughts of wedding preparations intruded on our evening.  So I decided Tammy was so right!  I didn't want to get to February 16th and be fed up and sick of wedding details, talk, etc (and to be honest it's starting to happen already!).  So I decided to take her advice as a message from God and to take time to breathe.  Take time to not focus on cakes, invitations, venues.  To let God start to work the details out (fortunately He's put Tammy in an office with me Monday through Friday so those reminders come on a regular basis).  Of course what do I find?  When we set down to crunch numbers based on current data... Some of those headaches I was getting had already started to take care of themselves.  I'll learn one day....

The World of Weddings...

I have decided that if I survive to my wedding that after all of the episodes of My Fair Wedding I will have watched I will be quite proficient in wedding etiquette.  So far I have learned to avoid canary yellow for bridesmaids.  I have learned that sponges as flowers and bouquets made out of lollipops are not acceptable.  I am now watching the one episode which I believe might be my favorite as it draws its inspiration from the 1950's.  Now I do believe it's a little more formal than I anticipate my own being.  Somehow I'm not seeing myself pulling out a budget that will cover thousands of roses...  One thing I've noticed is that never will I have a wedding quite like that.  Watching this episode though I think I'd like a 1950's style black and white check dance floor....  Wonder if I can find anyone to create that for me? lol  Oh!  I also ended up learning the correct way to feed cake to my future husband tonight...  (You know the way that involves NOT shoving it in his face...)  It's funny because I find myself now watching episodes of this show regularly.  I think my dream right now is that David Tutera shows up and just miraculously offers to put together a wedding that requires nothing of me.  I show up vet a few dresses, eat a little food, look at some gorgeous jewelry and I'm done.  Right now that's sounding pretty good to me!  So I believe I shall go to bed and dream about the fabulous 50's inspired wedding that is going to miraculously happen for me and maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to tackle what seems like an endless list of things to do and questions to answer....  Or maybe one of my awesome friends will sign me up to be on the next season of a wedding reality show and I'll wake up to find my dream has come true... Oh, well... Everyone's entitled to a few pipe dreams!

And the Date is Set!!!

As I come to the end of a busy weekend and wrapping up a long week, I find I'm very thankful that God took mercy on me and gave me a better weekend than I had week.  I was thankful that there were no more meltdown moments after Friday.  I'm feeling a lot better as some pieces have started to come together.  As I know many of you are wondering... we did finally set a date.  We are getting married February 16, 2013.  It took a little bit for all of the important people to be updated on our choice of dates.  I found there is a certain comfort that comes from the beginning of decisions being made.  It feels like the last couple of days have been very successful in helping me feel like I'm starting to get a grip on everything.  The last week with work has made me feel very overwhelmed at times as I wonder how in the world all the pieces are going to fall into place in time only to find myself feeling extremely blessed by the people God has surrounded me that are not only willing to help, but eager to help make my wedding special.  From the dress to cakes to contacts to willing hands to help with whatever it is I need help doing to make our special day happen the offers have been overwhelming!  Of course I can't forget my mom!  I think I might have to find more challenging assignments for her though...  She always seems to manage to get her things done in record time!  I try to keep reminding myself that everything doesn't have to happen in the next three months.  That I have over 6 months until the moment everything needs to be in place, but with the dress discussions underway, a date set and milk glass purchased (thanks to my mom!) I feel that things are beginning to fall into place.  So now on to a new week were hopefully I continue the upbeat mood I'm feeling at the moment!

Flowers for God....

I've found myself thinking for a few days about comments made in regards to Dustin being thoughtful.  I think it struck me not because of its content as much as the way it has made me review in my mind our relationship.  It's a comment that has been made not by just one person, but a few as different things he does on occasion make older, more experienced married women kindly give that word of warning that it doesn't last so don't get too used to the thoughtfulness, flowers and gifts, it won't continue after marriage and kids come along.  I do have to say I think those that say that would be right if this were the first part of our relationship and he were overwhelming me with presents to impress, but the way our relationship has developed means that these presents and the thoughtfulness are not something that come from an attempt to impress and wow me.  It comes from someplace deeper.   They are acts intended to show me how I'm loved.  They come from a caring and love that has grown slowly and gradually like a well build fire rather than a brief flare based on surface attraction.  Do I think he will always be this paragon of virtue that continues to shower me with thoughtfulness and gifts?  No, not anymore than I will be the perfect little June Cleaver.  In other relationships I noticed it was this approach of shower me with presents to impress, but don't bother to really get to know me.  With Dustin he invested in getting to know me first.  He took time to truly understand what makes me feel loved and cared about.  Dustin has an interesting approach to nearly everything.  He studies it.  He figures out what makes it work and our relationship and myself are no different.  By truly getting to know and understand me (let's face it there's still the fact I'm a girl which makes that a subject to change at any given moment...) he knows that in the big picture I don't need flowers on a regular basis to feel loved and cared about.   What he does know is that there are times it helps.  Presents might not be how I feel loved on a regular basis, but when you combine them with other things it takes a time when I'm struggling and serves as a physical reminder when he can't be there that I'm loved.  Dustin has studied me even when I haven't fully realized it to the point that he picks up on little things that no one else would.  Again... I'm back to my theme from yesterday as the idea of how God feels at times when we do something that makes him feel loved and cared about.  When we actually get that something we do hurts him and don't just act like it doesn't matter, but do something about it.  I suppose it strikes me that in the larger war we are part of Satan can't get to God.  He's already tried to kill God's Son and we've seen how that works so what is he left with?  He's left with hurting the heart of God through us.  The things I mentioned in my post on Grace.  Those are the little things he uses to separate us which hurts God.  I truly believe that the Heart of God hurts at the things that separate us.  He doesn't go on his way unaffected by the distance.  I couldn't when there was something between Dustin and I so why would I think God is any different?  He grieves...  It's a thought that leaves me with a greater desire to make him feel the way those flowers make me feel...

Grace...

Ughhh... Sometimes I frustrate myself beyond all measure!  My week in general has been a challenge, but tonight was the last straw!  I found myself mad at Dustin.  Madder than I think I have ever been knowing all the while there was no really good reason for it.  I suppose a large portion of my attitude began by the fact that when I settled down enough to think rationally I realized that pretty much my entire life this week has consisted of work and my apartment.  I think unknowingly I'd been living for this evening.  Unconsciously I had made it my goal.  If I could make it to that moment on Friday night I was good.  I would have time to relax and just enjoy Dustin's company for the evening.  Well, the unexpected last minute change of plans that I feel necessary to point out I suggested should probably take place for some reason sounded like a really good idea until an hour and a half later when I was sitting in my apartment going out of my mind because I was alone yet again.  Now I must admit I find it rather curious that I've been at home alone by myself for nearly every evening for close to 10 years now.  So it really makes no sense as to why over the course of the last year or so I have found myself increasingly distressed when I find myself alone.  I think possibly that the periods of extended alone time serve to remind me of a time in my life I struggled with depression and didn't even completely realize it.  It reminds me of a period that felt very hopeless at times.  My adorable little Winston filled the emptiness and loneliness some, but there were so many nights that I found myself sitting alone waiting for the evening to finish so it could repeat itself the next day.  I think that's what I struggled with reacting to today.  I'm engaged now.  No we don't live together, but somehow I think I thought I wasn't suppose to be alone.  The other thing I find interesting is that this consuming anger that had me slamming car doors (something I NEVER do) comes just over 24 hours after walking in and being surprised by flowers, a clean house and a dog that was already taken care of for the night.  The distressing thing was that in the moment I couldn't even figure out what exactly I needed to take to God.  All I knew was I was angry!  I swear there are sometimes I really do wonder exactly what Dustin sees in me that makes him want to marry me because times like tonight I just feel exceptionally ugly.  I don't like the way anger makes me feel and even less the way it makes me act.  Tonight my struggle was with the desire to lash out with every single thing I knew that would hurt him.  I was hurting and if I couldn't have company to help me forget part of me seemed to want company in the pain itself.  Somehow God must have heard the cry for help hidden somewhere in the anger because gradually I started to settle down.  I have discovered one thing since Dustin and I began dating.  When he starts to try to figure out what's bothering me no matter how angry I want to stay at him I can never fully manage it.  There's something about the effort that goes into searching for those answers of what is bothering me that won't let me stay angry and distant.  Maybe it's the prayer and thanksgiving that goes into the good times or the down times that I can manage to beg for help that causes God to help out during the times I can't bring myself to ask for it aloud.  Or maybe it's just grace.  His grace that I don't screw the relationship up completely.  Grace that God gives Dustin to love me even when I feel pretty unlovable.  It kind of brings to life Jeremiah 29:13...You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Israel angers God, but when they seek him and look for him earnestly he doesn't stay angry.  He doesn't punish them for what they have done in the past.  It stays right there in the past.  He allows himself to be found.  Now I am by no means comparing myself to God, but if our intimate relationships are suppose to be things that draw us closer to God maybe the moments like this are designed to show me a side of God I've overlooked before.  Yes, He's both a God of Love and Judgement equally, but the Judgement is brought about by our wrong doing, (the truth one simple text would have changed my reaction to the circumstances), but the Love allows Him to be found when we seek him out of love (despite the irritation and the anger the love and caring in sorting out the misunderstanding and showing me I mattered to him made it impossible to stay angry).  So I find myself walking away from a couple of very trying and emotional hours with a greater understanding and appreciation of what it feels like to God when we are actively seeking him out of love and trying to maintain that closer relationship with him.  If he feels anything like I feel at the moment it makes me ashamed that there are times I don't seek after him deliberately, lovingly and constantly...

The Blessing of Technology...

Technology is AWESOME!!!  I just hung up the phone from some really fun girl time with my matron of honor.  It's funny how some people might insist that there is a certain charm that is lost in the age of technology.  That people are not as close because of iPhones, iPads, computers, texting, email, etc.  I think my life in the last couple of years has convinced me that technology is what you make it.  Email and Facebook are two things that have helped carry a friendship through 20+ years with Faith, my maid of honor.  What started out as childhood pen pals has proved to be one of my longest lasting and most cherished friendships thanks to the technology of email, Facebook and texting.  Thanks to the technology of the Internet we were able to spend some time looking online at dresses and chatting about styles and ideas.  Ok, so there might be a few bride/matron of honor traditions that are a little different due to the distance in preparing for a wedding when your matron of honor lives in another country, but I find myself at the end of the day once again excited about the wedding when earlier in the day I was thinking that a wedding in Vegas with Elvis officiating might not be a bad thing after all since it would remove the stress of planning a wedding, but after the excitement of some quality phone time with my friend the reality of how special my wedding day will be takes on a different meaning as the pieces start to come together that make it a reality.  I know there will be more moments in the coming months that have me in freak out mode thinking that being serenade by your officiant singing Love Me Tender to the bridal couple might not be a bad thing after all, but I'm coming to realize that as the beginning strains of that particular ballad come to mind God sends the person I need to remind me that there's a purpose behind the stress and strain of the moment.  Sometimes I think it's because through them I learn to appreciate the moments that happen with friends, I better appreciate the fact that my Mom is willing to rearrange her life to be here if I need her and they're moments that draw me closer to my future husband as I walk into the house to find he's surprised me yet again with flowers, a happy and fed puppy and a hug to let me know he realized I was struggling.... 

What Faith Can Do...

Today I have found myself thinking of one particular friend all day.  I think it was a text from Dustin last night that made me think of her.  Michelle is someone who has been very special in my life.  She has been an inspiration and encouragement in so many ways for me.  In fact without her and her husband, Bob, I often wonder if I would have found the courage to take the path that has led me to this moment, this exciting experience of planning a wedding!  I look at my relationship with Michelle and Bob and find it amazes me that God was looking ahead months before the moment I met Dustin.  He started to build an important relationship the October before we met.  Sometimes we wonder why things happen to us.  Why do those hard times that seem as if they will rip our very soul out of us take place.  Why does God allow those moments that make absolutely no sense in the anguish they cause?  I can't say I know all of those answers, but I do understand them.  I realize that makes no sense, but I understand because my relationship with Dustin is a result of what comes from those moments we allow God to use our pain, agony and uncertainty to speak to others.  In Michelle I spent months learning about the silent strength that a woman can find in the middle of terrifying uncertainty.  I watched a woman who allowed her fears to draw her closer to God and by that build a bond in her marriage that I couldn't help but admire and long for.  In her willingness to share her fears, faith and struggles God was using her to prepare me for meeting Dustin.  I tend to share my story with Dustin rather sparingly because it's something special to me, but thinking of Michelle today for some reason has me feeling the need to share exactly how she has impacted my life.  The relationship that God began to put in place in my life even before Michelle was Kirby.  Kirby and I built a friendship over a couple of years that in January of 2011 led to a random text that was totally Kirby.  A text asking me when I was coming to church with him.  A question which I found out a little later was inspired by the fact he wanted me to meet someone.  Now Kirby is not the type to make a second career as a matchmaker so when the text came it pretty much seemed like a message from God...lol.  Anyway long story short I went to church with Kirby the next week and met Dustin.  The following month was a challenge for me as I felt God leading me a direction I had not expected.  Rather than into a relationship with Dustin I felt him leading me to the church I had visited.   Totally did not see that coming.  Michelle and Bob during that struggle proved invaluable.  As I struggled and prayed they became neutral ground for me to voice my struggles where I was assured they were praying that God would show the path he had for me.  When that path was revealed they were there to offer support, encouragement and prayer when the friendship with Dustin progressed at what was sometimes a painfully slow pace.  The unwavering faith that Michelle had displayed in the face of unbelievably slow answers to prayer gave me someone to talk to that I knew understood first had the struggle I was having with faith, trusting God with an unknown future and the emotional pain so intense it's physical pain at times that can come from waiting on God to answer.  Michelle was there to share my excitement the day Dustin asked me on our first date and was there to offer support, prayer and encouragement that the wait would be worth it when a second date was over a month in coming.  I often find myself thinking of Michelle at the times my faith feels like it's wavering a little.  Because of her I've slowly learned to take those things that worry me to God a LOT earlier than I use to.  I get to the end of today and realize that maybe the reason I was thinking of Michelle earlier was because God knew I needed the reminder of her.  Dustin's comment on strength that brought her to mind was something I needed to take the latest wedding "issue" to arise to God and ask for guidance rather than rush into "fix it" mode only to find out...  He sent the answer before the problem ever became a problem, I just didn't know it yet.  It's funny how he works those things out sometimes.  It brings to mind the song by Kutless "That's What Faith Can Do".   

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

I'm completely convinced that those time the things happen to test our faith in what can seem like unbelievable unfair ways are God's way of using us to be an encouragement, inspiration and symbol of hope to others if we allow him to use our pain to show his glory.  That's what Michelle's faith has done for me.  It's been an example of how that silent strength that a woman can find in God in moments of distress can have a positive affect on everyone around her.  I've found myself looking to Michelle's faith a lot during my relationship with Dustin as the challenges of our differences sometimes have felt like a lot to handle.  There are times it stands like a beacon of hope and encouragement that God will use the moment I'm struggling with in an awesome way. 

Focus...

I have decided that the concept of being a bride must bring out something in a girl.  Now this would be because as the girl who has never really been interested in reality shows and reality shows about weddings... No thank you...  I now find myself watching them like some part of a routine... There was just something about watching other people plan their wedding that just did not appeal to me.  Now that I'm planning my wedding I find myself watching My Fair Wedding as if it were a beloved sitcom.   There is something I find fascinating.  Maybe it's the common theme that seems to run through each episode.  The reminder that this experience is not one I will repeat.  It's a once in a lifetime moment.  I feel that at times that is a focus I lose track of.  That I need that reminder that I need to enjoy every moment rather than let myself get could up in the drama of seconds.  Sometimes it feels like I go through extreme swings before I find the balance of what's important and what to let go of.  Maybe the happy look of a bride who has had her magic moment that brings a certain hope.  It makes me think a little differently of all of the parables and illustrations used in the Bible from Solomon to Jesus.  There is a certain hope, happiness and joy that surrounds a bride and wedding.  What kind of celebration is the wedding if you've exhausted yourself emotionally and physically before the wedding?  Everyone has their horror Bridezilla stories of the nightmare bride, but the stories we love the best are the happy, joyful bridal story where the theme of love conquers all and a hope for the future is the positive view we are left with.  I think there is something in the story of a couple starting a new life together that inspires.  I think maybe that explains my recent obsession with my Netflix selection of choice.  I need the reminders that are shared with each and every bride to keep my focus right.  To help return my focus oddly enough to a spiritual aspect of the situation.  Somehow I don't think that's probably the original intent behind the show, but it brings a certain visual and spiritual focus to my world at a moment I need it most.

The Blessing called Wait....

Today is a day that made me once again thankful that I listened to God's quick response to my initial desire for a quick end to the chapter of our story titled engagement.  Tonight was a blessing as God showed me that he's put together a support system for me that's amazing!  At times there are moments when I can become terrified that I'm largely responsible for a wedding.... A wedding!!!  That the ideas I have are too much.  Moments that I feel the fact that rather than being in my hometown where I know what is available, I'm in this unknown little town where I can't exactly call my mom for advice on where to get this or who is a good person to ask for this.  Moments like that I feel lost....  Not exactly for sure what to do.  I feel like Alice asking the Cheshire cat which way to go.  God showed me something tonight though....  As I mentioned before sometimes I struggle with how long some things can take Dustin to sort through, but tonight showed me that the fact we took a while to start dating and the fact we dated so long were part of God's timing in setting up the support system I would need at just this time.  There's an awesome talent my Mom has.  She always seems to know the odd little things in my hometown.  Where to go for the best deals on nearly anything you can think of, where you can find space to have nearly any kind of party cheaply.  Thinking of the magnitude of planning a wedding I feel a little overwhelmed at times at the thought that my Mom can't answer all of those questions for me this time around.  Now don't get me wrong, my mother would be here in a heartbeat to help, support, plan, make decorations, but there's a lot of effort that goes into planning those things from a distance and one thing that I want to enjoy during this time are the memories and special moments rather than everything always being a rush to a final date.  Tonight God showed me something really awesome!  He gave me a glimpse of the people he's surrounded me with that have the exact unique talents and contacts I need to make getting the information easier and getting the projects done gradually rather than rushing at top speed.  I start to see where he has sent other people down paths and then into my life for just this moment.  He's provided all the resources so that rather than rushing around like crazy when my mom comes to help with those projects and preparations it can go at a slower more enjoyable speed thanks to the awesome friends and future family he has sent into my life.  I find myself feeling very blessed right now! 

Learning just a little more....

I think maybe all of the excitement of the last week has caught up with me finally.  I find myself at 10 pm thinking bed sounds awfully good right about now.  I do feel that a lot has been accomplished in the last week though.  I have decided having the budget hammered out to a number that feels doable and with a few more details to work out having that feeling that we are nearing the point of setting an actual date leaves me feeling so relaxed I'm nearly falling asleep as I write this.  I'm sure there will be days in the coming months that sleep does not come easily, but tonight after a much needed restful Sunday I find myself feeling content and happy.  I think in some part it's due to the discussion that once more surrounded the setting of an actual date.  It has left me feeling that we are doing things right in taking so much time for thought and prayer.  Sure there are the times I get frustrated at the periods that things seem to be in limbo.  I think that's why God put us together though.  Our approaches to the question are different enough that we truly end up examining just about every angle possible.  Discussing, debating, sharing opinions all to determine whether we are both in agreement on the next step.  The moments like this where he wants to deliberate and I'm ready to move forward are moments that draw us closer together by the way we learn to see the others view, ask their opinion and share our thoughts about why something works, why it doesn't and bounce other possible ideas off of one another for discussion and prayer.  These moments in working to get to that answer that God has to our question together end up leaving me feeling that I have had a small glimpse into why these things happen, why some answers take so long.  They are meant to give us an opportunity to understand one another a little better and in doing so make our relationship just a little stronger. 

I HATE number crunching, but I LOVE number changing...

And today we tackled the infamous wedding budget.  Plugging in numbers and then figuring out could we make the numbers work the way we would like them to...  Do you know it's amazing how many costs you can cut when you start to think outside of the box.  I'll admit there were times it gave me headaches, but sitting down to figure out what is it that we can't give on and what is it that will just be an added expense that we'd prefer not to incur?  Bottom line I think the only thing we found we couldn't adjust expense on was our photographer.  That was the only number that remained unscathed as based on our original numbers I sat down quite determinedly with a pen and a copy of the first budget draft and started slashing items deciding that if it could end up determining the length of our engagement I was set on cutting out anything I deemed unnecessary!  It's amazing the things you find yourselves looking at each other and asking if it's really important in the scheme of things?  Does having a unity candle or unity sand matter to one or the other of you?  Because if neither of you really care, then why waste the expense?  One thing we discovered early on was that the wedding cake was something I cared nothing about while Dustin very much wanted to have it as a part of the day so... being the good little DIY bride that I'm planning to turn into I implemented rule #1 in the unwritten DIY bride handbook.  I delegated...  Yes, my fiance is picking the cake for the wedding (fortunately he has excellent taste and will probably pick something classier than I would have thought of.  No armadillo cakes at my wedding, thank you!)  I do have to confess that God has sent me quite the perfect man (no, I'm not blind to any faults with that statement).  He's willing to take an interest and help in my quest to make it our day.  While he insist very emphatically he will not break tradition and show up at any bridal showers that might be given, he is willing to give input and support in whatever way I need it.  So back to my budgeting crisis moment...  When I handed my idea of the next date based on the rough outline of the budget we had come up with he very lovingly told me if it took that long to put the wedding I wanted together we would wait until that date.  That was all it took to send me into slash mode.  The poor budget looked like an expendable extra in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!  There were colored marks everywhere on the page as I started to dig determined to make the numbers look different.  After debating over the items that we would consider necessary and what was essential, I had determined a LOT of things could go.  So then my loving little brainiac crunched the numbers once more and we discovered something amazing!  Thanks to my little fit we had managed to slash a cool $1200 in evaluating necessities vs unnecessary tradition vs a desire that really didn't matter that much.  I'm discovering one thing on this journey to the alter.  My list of necessities grows much shorter when compared with the desire to marry the man I love.  The dreams I had of this perfect wedding with every tradition met has changed to an approach to a wedding that would make Dave Ramsey proud!  The realization that by slashing that much there were obviously a lot of extra unnecessary baggage we thought we'd cart along on that trip while it would appear we didn't really need most of it.  Part of me feels that maybe the lesson in this is that God is trying to show me that less is more.  Less of the extra unnecessary drama and baggage of life means more time invested in relationships.  A real life illustration of focusing on a few things well has a lot more impact than trying to spread myself in too many places.  The reality... the "extra" things we slashed were things that just added one more thing to my to do list... One more hour of my time that left me distracted by things that really didn't matter in the bigger picture. 

Advice to Future Brides....

I actually contemplated not posting today, but I find myself deciding that one short piece of advice is warranted.  Pick your maid of honor wisely!!  I've read that piece of advice so many times it's not funny, but I've always taken it with a grain of salt.  Today I've realized how important a role that right hand girl can play!  My choice of matron of honor was set early on and well over a year before Dustin even thought about proposing, but my best and oldest friend was always the one to be my Girl Friday on that special day.  Today I realized what a good choice it was as the years spent building the relationship showed itself in the one thing I've always said about her that I could call at anytime and she'd be there!  Distance might mean that she's not there for some of the hands on preparation that goes into the wedding, but there's not a doubt in my mind that she will be there for me encouraging and supporting and taking more of those 1 am calls to remind me that things aren't as crazy as they seem at them moment.  So to any future brides reading this....  Choose your maid of honor wisely... You might need her to talk you in off the ledge rather than push you off! :-)

A Celebratory Moment...

It's official!!!!  I have purchased my first item in a long list of purchases to be made for the wedding!!  It now begins to feel like a reality and I felt the need to share.  And no before someone asks we still have not settled on a date...  But when I thought about it I decided there were things that needed purchased whether a wedding happens in 7 months or in 15 months so I decided that I would proceed with my purchase.  And I'm sure you are dying of curiosity to know what this momentous purchase was....  Well, anyone who's known me for very long will find it extremely humorous.  My grand first purchase for my wedding was... a book.  Yes, it was a book, not just any book however... It was The Two Towers from the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Yes, the book does have a purpose and a significance.  You see Lord of the Rings holds special meaning for Dustin and myself.  We've had many conversations that always seem to find their way around to this particular part of the trilogy so when I was inspired to break tradition and use heart cutouts from a book in lieu of actual rose petals, after some thought this book became the obvious choice to me.  As a story that holds special meaning to both of us there was no question of incorporating it into our special day that is the culmination of so many conversations that centered around the characters represented in its pages.  In some ways the characters that Tolkien developed have come to symbolize parts of the journey Dustin and I took which led us to each other.  There were battles to fight not unlike those described in the journey of Frodo and his friends.  There were challenges to overcome so including a piece of this epic journey in a piece of our journey into married life seems very fitting.  I'm finding it is a joy to be able to take time to think about all of the pieces that will make up our special day no matter when it is.  It's fascinating when one idea leads to another which results in a day that represents not a princess moment for me as I always thought I wanted, but a day that represents every piece of the individual stories that brought us together to place where our stories merge into one.  Things that hold meaning for both of us and a day that rather than focusing on the bride I hope to focus on in a rather fitting way a fellowship (our guests) brought together by a ring (the diamond that started us on this path to that day).  As in Tolkien's classic tale there are many people that have made it possible for us to make it to that day when it happens so in truth they are as much a part of the story as are we...  And so I share a joyous moment with my friends here!  A mark in the journey that rather than a moment of tears is a moment of celebration as the preparations for the celebration begin!!!

A Battle Won...

Ugghhh.... Today was tough!  I'm not completely for sure why, but I suspect that the enemy was doing his best to wear me down.  I get to the end of the day feeling very exhausted, but happy that the sense of frustration and sadness that I started my day with is now gone.  I had a freak out moment...  It was an odd one, but one none the less.  I found myself feeling that this was impossible.  I'd never be able to afford all of the pieces that comprise a wedding in any less than a year and a half to two years...  It was another crying moment...    I moved very slowly most of the day from the weight that I felt from that thought.  I contemplated very briefly trying to talk my fiance into eloping (it was a very short lived idea...).  Yes, as you are probably thinking it I'll say it out loud... I admit it I have my drama queen moments.  Even as I have them I usually realize I'm over-reacting to something, but that something to me is very real... I do try really hard to keep them contained, but it's something God and I work on together on a regular basis.  I realized something today though...  My drama queen moments usually arise when an old wound is prodded.  Something that speaks to the insecurities I've struggled with in life.  Today it was the simple wording in a statement Dustin made.  Now the rational side of me realized that what he was saying was completely true, but something in the way the poor guy phrased it had me struggling not to go off on him.  The fact I was struggling so much with that bothered me until I realized what the root of the problem was.  As always when one of us figures out what it is that is setting the other one on edge we figured out our way through the tangle that was my emotions at the moment.  The awesome thing was that as we sorted through that piece of it, God was given the opportunity he needed to point me in the direction of yet another person he wanted to use.  A conversation with Sarah via Facebook was what I needed to reassure me that the rough budget I had in my head to work on wasn't completely crazy.  That it could work and God was sending me someone who had accomplished a nice wedding on a tight budget to encourage me with her pictures and stories of awesome deals.  It left me feeling very cared for by an awesome God to realize he actually had provided someone to help calm those worries.  Someone who had been down this path before me and was willing to share the lessons she had learned.  Putting the whole day into perspective it's no wonder I get to the end of today and I'm extremely tired...   With the help of a loving man I fought a battle with my insecurities and old healing wounds and won this round!  And came home to a love note from God in the form of a card from an aunt and uncle.  As if He knew that I needed the reminder today I came home to a card which contained my favorite verse...  For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD.  They are plans for good...to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11 (TLB).  I find in the change that is occurring in my life I need that reminder a LOT!!  And God made sure I had that reminder at just the time I needed it... 

Why the Wait is Necessary Sometimes....

It's funny how God sends just the person you need to say just the thing you need to hear at just the right time.  Today I found myself having a major moment of frustration over that small fact of not yet having a date set for the wedding.  Now let me clarify that the frustration wasn't truly so much over the fact itself that a date has yet to be decided on, it was more the fact that everyone and their brother seemed determined to remind me of it while asking in the normal well meaning, interested way that the average person expresses at the moment they realize you are engaged.  I don't presume to imagine that everyone and their brother intended to remind me of the fact that I am in a state of limbo right now, but that is what happened.  To the point that when my new optometrist inquired as to a date for my upcoming nuputials I found myself feeling rather frustrated at responding for what I'm sure was the 25th time in an 8 hour period "We haven't set a date yet..."  It sent me into a little bit of a funk for a while that really didn't go away in a hurry.  A few moments later I was debating removing my engagement ring to save myself the questions that it would remind people to ask which would once more prompt the response that was becoming so frustrating.  (I don't claim to be rational when I'm in a funk, I just try to survive it)  Of course the thought occurred to me that I was being childish at that reaction (ok and the reality is I like the way my diamond sparkles..) and found myself asking God why?  Why did people need to keep reminding me that once more I'm stuck in this waiting mode waiting for some unknown moment to happen that decrees that yes, child you may marry on this day.  Kind of brings to mind medieval times when the king had to approve the marriages of the nobility...  Anyway I'm stuck in this frustrating funk that just leaves me feeling off for no apparent good reason.  Then something happens...  A new person notices the shiny sparkly piece of jewelry on my left hand.  Of all the people through the day to notice the moment Kathy noticed was my blessing in disguise.  It was a reminder of how others have experienced the romance that is mine and Dustin's.  You see, early on in the story that is ours I was struggling...  I had a moment when I was wondering if I really wanted to put the effort into the relationship that I could see it was going to take.  I was questioning whether I had that much to give to anyone.  It was a moment that sent me out of a church service into the narthex of the church where I couldn't stop myself.  I sat on a seat and cried and cried and then cried some more.  Kathy and I had chatted in passing before that moment, but seeing the hurt and confusion I was experiencing in the moment she was there to just sit.  That was really mostly all that she did.  Oh, she had a few well said observations to make, but for the most part it was just being a presence.  With very few words she let me know by just being there that she cared.  Today when Kathy noticed the beautiful sparkling symbol of love and commitment I'd been given her excitement and the reminder that since that day we sat together in October when she was just there as a needed presence she had been praying for Dustin and I and our relationship was the reminder that I needed that these moments happen so relationships grow just a little deeper in unexpected places...  Again a reminder that God has pieces to this story he's working on that I can't see.  That yes, the relationship, the wedding date, the planning and preparation all have an intricate timing that I can never understand completely from where I stand, but it's important.  As difficult as it can be getting to the moments like those with Kathy, it results in a connection that reminds me I'm loved more than I can imagine, not only by God, but by those special people in my life like Kathy that are quietly in the background holding me up in prayer.

I Can't Read the End of This Book....

It's very interesting when you find yourself at the moment you've waited what seems your entire life for to suddenly find you're in limbo...  That certain things are dependant on another's opinion or input in a way that you really haven't experienced.  I've decided there's definitely a difference between dating and being engaged.  I mean with dating there is a certain intertwining of plans, but engagement (at least for me) translates into those plans taking into consideration in a quite different way someone else's comfort level, likes, dislikes and desires into account.  Now not to say I was a self centered girlfriend (at least Dustin never complained of that and he did give me a ring...lol), but this kind of sharing takes that to another level.  In Sacred Marriage, the author Gary Thomas puts forth the idea that maybe marriage is to make us more holy than happy.  It's an idea that made a lot of sense to me when I first read it so in dating I tried to incorporate that concept into our relationship and felt that I managed to do pretty good, but somehow not even a week after the ring is on my finger I find myself challenged once again to remember that thought.  I often feel that God brought Dustin into my life to teach me in depth about patience.  I find we're different in some very interesting ways, one of those being he likes to think about things and sometimes it's not just for a few minutes or hours.  Sometimes it's days, even weeks.  Those longer sessions of contemplation are REALLY a struggle for me sometimes.  This is one of those times.  Waiting on that confirmation of yes this date works or the determination of lets talk about another time is really hard for the girl who often decides if a novel takes to long to begin to develop an interesting storyline or seems stuck in limbo the answer is to read the last chapter to see if the book is worth finishing.  I can't exactly flip to the chapter called Honeymoon or 50th Anniversary to see if this is worth waiting on.  I have to trust God that it is worth the wait.  That what comes in between that diamond being placed on my finger to the moment we say "I Do" is an awesome experience I don't want to miss.  I have to trust that when God tells me, "For I know the plans I have for you... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) that he really means it.  That not only is marriage designed to make me holier, but that as the path to that next chapter so is the engagement period.  It's hard to remember sometimes when I get impatient and want those results and answers to come just a little quicker.  I mean I thought I had made headway on the patience bit during the dating part of our relationship, but I'm finding that maybe even in that God has a few more lessons ahead of me.  Of course I have decided that even if I'm waiting on some of those answers that it's ok to "prepare for rain" and do a little bit of planning while I'm waiting so I'm including a picture of my sanity kit as I've decided to call it.

"Tonya's Sanity Kit"

And the Answer Is....

It's nice when God gives you a little glimpse of why His plans aren't ours.  I had a moment today where I realized why my answer to "but I want it now" is "not yet, wait"  A very wise friend today observed that a wedding in 4 months consumes your life.  Tonight, I had the awesome privilege of hosting a brainstorming session for a young adult small group in our church.  As we talked and laughed and afterward I was able to enjoy some girl time with the girls in the group while chatting about future wedding ideas and plans I realized something.  With an answer of "not yet, wait" God opened up an opportunity to build relationships that in the rush of a quick wedding I'd miss.  I never had the opportunity to have the excitement of the girly moments that come with prom or cotillion.  I had no idea not only the fun and excitement the preparation could bring, but the way that sharing those moments can bring you just a little closer.  Had I rushed had I dug in my heels and insisted that I needed that immediate result I'd be in the middle of stressfully scrambling to piece together the quickest way to achieve my goal and sacrificing so much more than the photographer or reception location of my choice.  I'd be giving up the opportunity to develop relationships with some very special people.  I'd be so torn in so many directions that I'd be unable to do my part to build a strong foundation for this small group that I've been given the privilege of leading.  Not that it's all about me, but face it as girls there's just something that makes us connect differently when there's a special event taking place.  I find myself looking forward to the next several months as our small group grows and those relationships continue to develop into deeper friendships.  A far cry from the feeling of pressure that I found myself faced with in the face of pushing for that immediate result.  I look forward to seeing what the next revelation is on this journey that God has for me.  So no.... as misleading as the title might have been there's still no set date yet, but I think we're getting a little closer....  Stay tuned for updates!

Who Knew???

Every girl dreams of the day that man of her dreams asks that one question that will change her life forever.  First, she dreams of meeting that mysterious unknown figure in her future, then when she does meet him she dreams about the day he'll finally decide it's time to commit and make those dreams come true.  I'll admit I'm no exception.  My favorite stories are fairy tales and as soon as I was able to read them (ok, confession time... I even snuck them earlier than I was suppose to..) romance novels became something I devoured.  With every proposal I would sigh and the really good one's I'd keep re-reading until I memorized them.  When I met Dustin I knew he was special and over the next year and a half friendship developed and progressed to dating and the dreams of that magic day when a question was asked and a ring given became more of a future reality then a vague dream.  Of course he was good and I was completely surprised the day he recreated parts of our first date and surprised me with a ring.  I was on cloud nine!!!  (And in all reality probably had him searching for a way to politely ask for the ring back, scared by the creature he'd created with one piece of jewelry...lol) The vague dreams had become a reality!  I could actually start planning that magic thing called a wedding.  I was high on excitement.  I restrained myself, but as years of dreams became reality, excitement at the idea of finally spending my life with the man I loved had me impatient at the thought of waiting long at all.  I found myself rationalizing that 4 months was long enough for an engagement and a couple days after that magic question found myself very rationally (and I felt very maturely) reasoning with my husband-to-be over the reasons that 4 months was plenty of time to create the perfect wedding.   Yep, the girl who had patiently made an agreement with God to wait on his timing for the man, was now impatiently trying to rush ahead to the wedding day without even consulting the God who brought the man along in the first place.  Funny thing how poor choices we make at certain times in our lives come to haunt us at inopportune times, but oddly enough my reality check moment came in the form of grocery shopping, realizing there were things I needed to get in order before a wedding could happen and 4 months just wasn't long enough for that.  I went home and cried.  And cried.  And then cried some more at the thought of giving up what I wanted at the moment.  I'd waited for 32 years (plus some).  I didn't want to wait any longer.  I tried rationalizing with God why my choice was logical while at the same time begging him to help me let go of the suddenly deep rooted desire for a 4 month engagement if it wasn't his will.  Oddly enough my answer came in the form of my mom being a mom and kicking in gear to try to make my dream happen.  Somehow as her mother instincts kicked in and she started planning I realized something.... In pushing for things to happen I was rushing things and would miss some very special moments at the expense of instant gratification.  I would miss making memories in the rush to get what I wanted.  Not only would it affect me, but it would affect others around me.  Funny how God answers prayers sometimes.  The reality I've discovered in the hours since that realization (yes, it was only this morning although it seems much longer) is the truth in Ecclesiastes 3.  There truly is a time for everything and a season for every activity...  He has made everything beautiful in its time and if I rush and push to get a thing as simple as a wedding in my time I miss the beauty that God has waiting in it for me....  Not only me, but everyone involved in that special moment.  So I've been engaged the grand total of 3 days and already God's using an engagement to teach me new truths and bring scripture to life.  And no at this point I still don't know when that magic day takes place, but I'm ok with waiting for that answer now.  We'll figure it out in God's time...