Lessons from Moses

So the other day I was reading and I came across the re-telling of the second time that Moses was used to give Israel water from a rock.  I'm not sure exactly why this stood out to me this time, but this is the section that caught my attention:

The Lord said to Moses,  “Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink.”  So Moses took the staff from the Lord’s presence, just as he commanded him.  He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?”  Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.  But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”   Numbers 20:7-12

Now having been raised in church I've quite lost count of how many times this particular account of Moses lack of perfection has been used to tell me that God will punish me if I don't do what He says.  Sometimes it's hard for me to step away from the threat of judgement to actually see the reason God included this particular story in the history book, we call the Bible, that He gives us.  For whatever reason this time I found myself relating to this story a little differently.  Rather than focusing on the fact that God tells Moses and Aaron they will not lead Israel into the Promised Land, I recognized the struggle that had to take place in Moses in the moment.  

I found myself going back and looking at the first instance that God used a rock to provide water for his people.  It was interesting to compare the two accounts.  As I continued going back and forth wondering about the significance of striking the rock the first time, but the command to speak to it the second time.  I found myself wondering why?  The need was the same both times, why change the method that God wanted to use to reveal himself?  Why was the consequence of Moses decision to strike the rock that He would never see the land of promise?  

The more I have thought about it I find myself coming to the conclusion that there are lessons in the nuances of the two accounts.  Now I don't claim to be a Bible scholar able to break down the significance of striking the rock, showing God's power, etc, etc, etc.  Honestly, I don't care.  That's not the lesson God had for me this time.  My lesson this time was the realization that I like Moses at times tend to doubt the method God uses to reveal Himself.  I am guilty of questioning when God chooses to do something in multiple different ways.  The reality was Moses hindered God being able to show His power in an entirely different way to the nation of Israel, by defaulting to the way that worked before.  One of the other awesome things that I noticed this time through is the grace that God showed to Moses.  God did not strike him dead the instant he chose poorly.  In fact, just the opposite, God still gave Israel the water they sorely needed.  God continued to allow Moses to lead His people on their journey in the wilderness.  However, when it came to entering a new country with new promise and new challenges that would require a leader that would follow God without question, the consequence of Moses decision meant that he was not the man God would be able to use going forward.  Moses had been unwilling or maybe even unable to be used by God going forward.  Was it fear?  Was it pride?  Was it a moment of uncontrolled anger?  Those are questions that none of us can answer, but I'm left with some thoughts on my own life as a result.

Looking at Moses in this instance through these new eyes I find myself thinking of the leadership role that God has placed me in for this season of my life.  It makes me very conscious of the decisions I make and the people He has placed under my direction.  I find myself thinking about the necessity of being willing to move forward to the unknown as scary as it may be and to do things in a different way if that is how God directs.  It's a sobering thought when I look at Moses' story and realize he wasn't able to realize the full potential of the task God had set before him because he struggled with trusting in the unknown moment.  I makes me take even more seriously the decisions I make as I realize that being part of something that God is doing is an awesome thing and to miss a part of that is such a sad ending to have included as part of one's story.  

My Wonderland.....

So I find myself thinking again, which can be a thing to fear, but in this case it's rather interesting.  When you have lots of down time thanks to a sore jaw and then you have time to watch movies it can result in some interesting thoughts.

So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help.  I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version).  Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking.  That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though.  Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities.  The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down.  I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with.  I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts.  There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear.  When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?"  I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life.  I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them.  I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head."  Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud.  I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why?  There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears.  To borrow from The Message:  

“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.    (Matthew 28:10)

I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment.  As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point.  At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side.  In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me.  When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities.  When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace.  Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be.  I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity.  It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts.  I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward.  A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head".  I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!

Moving Forward from Fear

God seems to have me on a fast track to learning about myself!  As I sit here at 9:30 am on a Sunday morning, I'm thinking about the fact that I want to be heading to church right now.  I want to be looking forward to worshiping with my church family.  Instead I am sitting in bed surrounded by my furry family (and Dustin of course...) with an ice pack on my face.

You see yesterday I faced another fear, I had my wisdom teeth removed.  All four! Now the fear I faced wasn't the obvious fear.  I had the opportunity to meet with my dentist enough prior to the appointment that I was feeling good.  He had a plan in place, I was going to be sedated and would remember none of what was going on.  I was good with that.  Pain and I are not very close friends and the farther away he stays the happier I am.  So in the weeks leading up to my procedure I stocked up on Jello and instant mashed potatoes.  I considered what I might need to do in the days following to the point that I moved the original appointment from August 17th to August 31st so that I had the entire Labor Day weekend to recover.  I was set.

Fast forward to Saturday, August 31st....  I'm still in a pretty good place not too worried because I got out of bed just to come to the dentist office and sleep some more.  So here I am all settled in at the dentist office.  The first pill taken and starting to feel drowsy.  I don't remember a whole lot until I started waking up for everyone to realize that the sedation had worn off and there were still two teeth left to get out.  That's the moment I start to remember fairly well.  Here I am the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist and I'm in the middle of a procedure when my sedation wears off.  Of course the obvious question is what do you do?  Well, this brilliant girl makes the decision that we're in the middle of tooth three so let's just get them out.  Now had that been my youngest brother, Nathan, making that call there would have been no surprise at the "Get 'R Done" response, but I'm not one to push ahead into pain.  In fact I often wonder if adoption isn't the perfect way to grow a family since there are children all over the world that need loving families and I never can quite forget the part of Genesis 3:16 when God says to Eve, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children..."  So here I am the person quite convinced that adoption isn't a bad thing since natural childbirth includes a certain amount of pain, telling my dentist to push through and get the last two teeth out under a local.  So, after a brief pause for prayer (no way was I moving forward under my own steam!) my awesome dentist removed the last two teeth.  Needless to say I slept most of the rest of the day, but around 8 pm when I woke up feeling a little more like myself it was to an amazing discovery!  My greatest weakness had become a strength.  As Dustin and I discussed the fact that I had surprised us both by pushing through and getting it finished that day, it brought back the continuing theme God seems to be confronting me with lately.  When I'm weak and realize it that's when God makes me strong.  See, I know I'm the person that has panic attacks at the mere thought of a dentist.  I can dissolve into tears at the mere thought of pain, but with God's help (and Dustin letting me squeeze his hands off) I made it through the thing that I've allowed to cripple me for so long!  I no longer have to waste time worrying about the what if's in regards to dental appointments.  I've had my appointment and I've survived what actually turned into a painful encounter, but one that allowed me to grow in my weakness by experiencing a portion of God's strength.

There is one thing that keeps coming to mind thanks to my friend and our church's pastor of discipleship, Kim, as the next step forward.  God has taken this debilitating fear that I have and has helped me overcome it.  Rather than spending the next six months fearing the moment I need to go back to the dentist, I have this space in my life now that the removal of that fear leaves, so I'm now left with the thought as my fears decrease and disappear as God continues to turn my weakness into strength what am I going to do with the time and energy that I spent on that fear?  Looks like it's back to the drawing board for God and I to figure out how to fill those available moments!