Strength in Weakness

You know, sometimes when I sit down to write a post and I realize that I want to start it by saying it's been a rough period I start to feel bad.  I think to myself that who wants to hear that I'm struggling.  People most often like to hear inspiring, happy stories and the honest truth is that more often then not I don't feel inspiring or encouraging.  I sometimes wonder if I'm just practicing group therapy for my group of one.  Then moments like the last week happen and I manage to connect a few more dots that are my story and a little bit more of the picture starts to form.  

The last few weeks have been lesson after lesson of God using people who were not obviously equipped for the job he wanted them to accomplish, but at the same time they had the exact skill set he could use!  It seems like God has made a point to bring to my attention historical figures such as Moses, Gideon, Joshua and even David, who while they were not necessarily equipped to the naked eye for the job God had for them they had the one thing he needed most.  A humble and willing heart.  They were all men who saw how they didn't fit the bill and were acutely aware that for success to happen God had to be in control.  I mean just think about David.  Here God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse (David's father) and even this man who had lived his entire life in close relation to God looked at the outward appearance and would have chosen any other son of Jesse to be king, but God knew that Israel needed a leader that would never be able to forget that his strength came through weakness. 

I've been struggling with the feelings lately of not being able to fill the role that God has put me in at this moment in my life.  Sometimes I question why in the world I ever thought I could be a wife, a help meet to my husband when I can't pull it together some days.  Why did God move me away from a career I was decent at to put me in a role in ministry that makes me feel like a ten year old attempting calculus?  I have lots of whys in my head lately, but finally God seems to be getting through to me that he's not doing this to punish me.  All of the changes are designed with one purpose in mind.  To show his power through me, Tonya Marie Schrougham.  Once I start to accept the fact that it's not about me a weight begins to lift.  I don't have to get it right all of the time.  It's ok for others to see my weaknesses because it makes God's strength that much more powerful.  

In the middle of all of this processing I'm always thankful when God allows me that moment when I realize I am not alone in my weakness and even the opportunity to see that while I might live with the constant reminder of the thorn in my side (Let's face it.... Fear of public speaking can be a definite weakness when God has put you in a season of life where he calls you to lead a congregation in worship) He also allows me to see myself through others eyes occasionally.  It's in those moments that I realize that while I might not get it right every time.  While there are moments that I find myself focusing on how dealing with my insecurities effect me rather than how they show Jesus to others.  It seems like that's about the time God sends someone to show me that he is using the weakness and helping me grow through it and I find myself thankful that he doesn't take it away.  It becomes the thing that keeps me from moving too far away.  If I try to go handle it on my own I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless, but the moment I remember to hand it back to God, I'm filled with an indescribable peace.  I find myself understanding what Paul meant we he wrote he was able to take delight in his weakness.  It becomes the thing that when I am following God's leading in my life it keeps me connected to him.  The only way I survive the struggle through the day to day encounter with my weakness is to turn to the One who gives me strength in it.  It means that by embracing the thing I dread the most, God gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction as I look at each mile marker on the journey and realize that I made it!    The thing I was sure I was unable to do is now a testament to what God can do through me!  It's a lesson I know that I'll need reminding of in the future, but I always get excited when a few more dots connect and I can start to see the beginnings of a picture.

Endings and beginnings....

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the simplest things lead to the most profound lessons? I had one of those moments today.  Earlier this spring I realized that I had a houseplant that wasn't doing so well.  No matter what I tried it wasn't dying, but it wasn't growing either.  I fertilized, transplanted into a bigger container, repositioned and  relocated, but still it stayed exactly the same.  Never changing and becoming an eyesore rather than a thing of beauty in our living room.  Finally in a last attempt to save it I put it on the porch with my outdoor flowers hoping that it would flourish there.  Sadly, a few days later I pulled off the last of the leaves and placed the container holding this tiny dead stem on the bottom shelf of our plant stand hoping that the living plants on top would detract from the empty flower pots underneath holding the sad remnants of plants that no longer showed signs of life.  

Today, I decided that some of those dead plants needed to be replaced with reminders of life so I purchased some seasonal flowers and proceeded to replace the dead and dying ones.  When I pulled out my little house plant ready to replace the sad brown little stem with a beautiful mum I was surprised to find leaves.

This sad little brown stem that I had ignored was growing!  This discovery has left me in a rather contemplative mood.  If this little plant had not experienced the change it went through earlier in the summer it never would have the opportunity to grow stronger and beautiful at this phase.  

In a way I relate to my little plant right now.  I'm going through a period of change that is incredibly painful at times.  Sometimes I feel like the little plant getting all of its leaves torn off as pieces of life as I've known it are changed and pulled away.  As I look at my little plant though I'm also reminded that these things are necessary.  As the layers of lies I've believed about myself are torn away, however painful it might be in the moment it makes way for the beautiful truth that God placed in me when he created me to blossom and the more that happens the healthier, stronger and more beautiful I become. 

I find myself extremely grateful when God finds a way to link these lessons to things that are part of my everyday life.  Now every time I look at my little plant I can't help, but hear the words in my head....  

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."

For those beautiful new beginnings to happen though I'm discovering that there are necessary endings that must take place.  Thankfully though God has chosen to give me a reminder in a little houseplant.

Struggles.... and Progress

So today an interesting thing happened to me after church.  Of course for this thing to make any sense to borrow from my favorite cartoon Phineas and Ferb... "There's a back story..."

The Back story....

Wearing dresses is something I struggle with in a huge way!  Don't get me wrong I LOVE a really cute dress with the right pair of shoes and the perfect accessories.  On other people that is....  I see so many women wearing dresses and looking so nice and confident, but for me while inside I want to look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's and look cool and put together totally and completely confident in my femininity I usually end up feeling much more like Mary Bingley in Pride and Prejudice.  Always awkward and never quite sure what to do with myself because in my mind everyone looks better in whatever they have on when I'm in a dress.  Every so often I attempt to buy a dress and wear it, but after an attempt or two it usually ends up in the closet as I look at it thinking if only I could feel like I looked good in it.  Pretty much putting on a dress for me means I will struggle with how I look the entire time I have it on.

Flash to today....

Today I decided (with Dustin's help of course) to brave the fear of how I would look and pulled one of my few dresses out of the closet to wear.  While I still did feel a little off something happened after church that changed this particular experience for me.  Our church has had the privilege of having two awesome interns this summer and Abbie happens to be one of those that I will look at on a regular basis and think...  I wish I could pull off something remotely like what she's wearing.  Of course I ALWAYS end up reverting to my jeans and continue to feel mediocre in the fashion department.  So after church Abbie approaches me and refers to my outfit as "hot" and/or "sexy" whichever I preferred...lol.  I couldn't help myself in the moment I laughed, but the more I think about it I appreciate the true message behind the compliment.  I looked nice and somehow from that compliment, the entire experience of wearing the dress.  The uncertainty that I felt.  It fell away as I realized that someone outside of Dustin saw something in me that I couldn't see.  

The Moral....

Never underestimate the power of words.  If you think someone did something well or even looks nice, that might be exactly what they need to hear to move forward and take yet another step toward the unknown..