So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help. I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version). Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking. That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though. Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities. The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down. I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with. I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts. There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear. When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?" I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life. I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them. I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head." Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud. I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why? There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears. To borrow from The Message:
“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands. (Matthew 28:10)
I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment. As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point. At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side. In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me. When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities. When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace. Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be. I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity. It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts. I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward. A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head". I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!
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