So my last lesson I shared was from my manicurist. Today.... It's from my new dentist.
See I have another confession to make. Dentist terrify me. I'm not talking in the normal sense that I dread it with a passion, but realize each year that it's never as bad as I remember. I'm talking all out panic attacks, fast breathing where's my paper bag reactions to the mere thought of a dentist office. That's what made today such a huge day for me.
Today I faced my fear of dentists and walked into a dentist office for the first time in 17 years. Yes, you read correctly. For 17 years, I have battled with panic attacks at the thought of a dentist office, but today I walked through the door of one by myself and did NOT end up being treated for a panic attack. So, yes, that is an accomplishment, but it's not the biggest accomplishment of my day. The biggest moment of my day was when I admitted first to the dental assistant and then to the dentist that I wasn't okay. I was nervous, I have panic attacks at the thought of entering a dentist office let alone sitting in the chair with someones fingers and metal instruments in my mouth, but there I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting these people do just that. There is something that makes you feel not so alone when you are looked at and someone just says, that's alright. You're here now and let's try to make this as easy on you as possible. There is something freeing when they tell you that you are not alone in that fear.
I realized in that moment when this doctor who I had just met told me that it was okay to have those feelings and he would work to help me get past them that what I was hearing was it's okay to not be okay. I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to act like everything is okay when in reality, it isn't all the time. When I try to keep muscling through life acting like I'm okay when I'm not I keep others from ministering to me in their unique ways that God has gifted them. If I had tried to muscle through my dentist appointment hiding my fear from the dental staff I would have left the office terrified that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed. Instead by sharing my fears, these professionals that deal with this on a regular basis where able to better prepare me for what would come while keeping in mind what I feared. The same thing is true though for every other area of my life. If I try to muscle through life acting like I don't experience pain, fear or insecurity at times I keep others from sharing the part of their experience that will help me the most, I lose the opportunity for others to pray for me over the things I'm struggling with. If I try to act like everything is okay when it's really not, I'm lying to myself and others. It can be a freeing thought when you start to realize that it's okay to not be okay. Honestly, I don't think God means for us to be okay all of the time. If we could then why would we need Him or others? When we can admit that we are not okay, well, that's when God can go to work. He can show us exactly why he puts some of those quirky friends in our lives as he uses them in unique ways to minister to the fact that we aren't always okay.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Lessons from My Manicurist
It's crazy when I stop to realize that today I've been married exactly 5 months. It seems like just yesterday I was in the middle of the insanity of planning a wedding, but then in other ways it very thankfully feels a lifetime ago. Don't get me wrong my wedding was beautiful in its simplicity and I'm glad I did it, but there were lessons and things during those moments of my life I have no desire to repeat!
I hear other women say so often that married life is a huge adjustment. That learning to live with someone is such a challenge. I can't really say that piece has been full of revelation for me. We sorted through a lot of things during the planning and execution of our wedding for which I'm thankful. Planning a wedding together lets you learn a lot about one another! If you can survive that I'm pretty convinced you're set. That is of course if bride and groom are both taking an active role in said planning. That was probably my favorite part about our wedding. Planning together.
I have found for myself the life-changing lessons have come from people other than Dustin. I think one of those came as a result of a challenge. The week before our wedding our church welcomed a new pastor of discipleship. I've come to appreciate my co-worker and sister in Christ so much in those 5 months she has been a part of my life! One of the things that Kim did early on was to challenge the congregation of Mooresville Church of God. She challenged us to start living our lives purposefully and investing in others. That challenge resulted in some interesting conversations between Dustin and myself. As we wrestled with what that looked like for our new little family of two, there was one thing that kept coming to my mind. My friend Laura's sister does nails. The more I thought about Kim's challenge the more I realized that I was guilty of living my life with more thought to convenience for myself than with the idea of investing in the community I called home. As a result, within a few weeks of Kim's challenge I found myself calling Sidney to make that appointment. I had no idea the valuable lesson that God had waiting on me by that one simple phone call.
I've heard that when an addict enters a 12 step program one of the first things they must do is admit they have a problem, so here goes... I'm Tonya and I have control issues. Yep, that's probably the single most valuable lesson I've learned from Sidney in the months I've been going to her to have my nails made beautiful. The thing I've discovered is that when I'm sitting across the table from a nameless person to whom I'm just a number on their time sheet I can let myself believe that the fact I need to control what they are doing with my hands, fingers and nails is because I can't trust them. I don't know them. When I'm sitting across the table from someone I'm building a relationship with, well, that gives a slightly different meaning to the fact that she keeps telling me to relax and let her do her job.
Crazy isn't it? Something that some people would say was a luxury, a waste of resources and money that could be spent better elsewhere for me has become the opportunity for God to reveal something about me to myself. Rather than a diva moment, God has turned it into a princess-in-training moment for me. Every time I sit across from Sidney to have my nails filled or a new set put on God is finding a new way to teach me to not only trust others, but is focusing my attention back on the need to trust Him. If I try to do my nails trust me it would be an EPIC fail!!! So I know that about myself, what makes me think on occasion that if I just take back this one area that I've handed over to God that I'll do better than He can in a given situation?
The interesting part to this story is that it's a matter of trusting God all the way around. Periodically I look at Dustin as he figures out our budget and ask the question, "Can we really afford my nails this month? Do I need to stop yet?" The answer always comes back that God's taking care of all of our needs and evidently those lessons I keep learning with Sidney are part of my needs right now. Isn't it funny how we tend to think that all of our needs means food, water, clothing and shelter? In my case I'm pretty convinced that realizing that I have control issues that I need to be actively and acutely aware of right now is seen as a need by God that is met by meeting with Sidney to have my nails done every other week. I consider it a perk that he decided to teach this particular lesson in a way that means I get awesome looking nails as a reminder for in between visits!!
I hear other women say so often that married life is a huge adjustment. That learning to live with someone is such a challenge. I can't really say that piece has been full of revelation for me. We sorted through a lot of things during the planning and execution of our wedding for which I'm thankful. Planning a wedding together lets you learn a lot about one another! If you can survive that I'm pretty convinced you're set. That is of course if bride and groom are both taking an active role in said planning. That was probably my favorite part about our wedding. Planning together.
I have found for myself the life-changing lessons have come from people other than Dustin. I think one of those came as a result of a challenge. The week before our wedding our church welcomed a new pastor of discipleship. I've come to appreciate my co-worker and sister in Christ so much in those 5 months she has been a part of my life! One of the things that Kim did early on was to challenge the congregation of Mooresville Church of God. She challenged us to start living our lives purposefully and investing in others. That challenge resulted in some interesting conversations between Dustin and myself. As we wrestled with what that looked like for our new little family of two, there was one thing that kept coming to my mind. My friend Laura's sister does nails. The more I thought about Kim's challenge the more I realized that I was guilty of living my life with more thought to convenience for myself than with the idea of investing in the community I called home. As a result, within a few weeks of Kim's challenge I found myself calling Sidney to make that appointment. I had no idea the valuable lesson that God had waiting on me by that one simple phone call.
I've heard that when an addict enters a 12 step program one of the first things they must do is admit they have a problem, so here goes... I'm Tonya and I have control issues. Yep, that's probably the single most valuable lesson I've learned from Sidney in the months I've been going to her to have my nails made beautiful. The thing I've discovered is that when I'm sitting across the table from a nameless person to whom I'm just a number on their time sheet I can let myself believe that the fact I need to control what they are doing with my hands, fingers and nails is because I can't trust them. I don't know them. When I'm sitting across the table from someone I'm building a relationship with, well, that gives a slightly different meaning to the fact that she keeps telling me to relax and let her do her job.
Crazy isn't it? Something that some people would say was a luxury, a waste of resources and money that could be spent better elsewhere for me has become the opportunity for God to reveal something about me to myself. Rather than a diva moment, God has turned it into a princess-in-training moment for me. Every time I sit across from Sidney to have my nails filled or a new set put on God is finding a new way to teach me to not only trust others, but is focusing my attention back on the need to trust Him. If I try to do my nails trust me it would be an EPIC fail!!! So I know that about myself, what makes me think on occasion that if I just take back this one area that I've handed over to God that I'll do better than He can in a given situation?
The interesting part to this story is that it's a matter of trusting God all the way around. Periodically I look at Dustin as he figures out our budget and ask the question, "Can we really afford my nails this month? Do I need to stop yet?" The answer always comes back that God's taking care of all of our needs and evidently those lessons I keep learning with Sidney are part of my needs right now. Isn't it funny how we tend to think that all of our needs means food, water, clothing and shelter? In my case I'm pretty convinced that realizing that I have control issues that I need to be actively and acutely aware of right now is seen as a need by God that is met by meeting with Sidney to have my nails done every other week. I consider it a perk that he decided to teach this particular lesson in a way that means I get awesome looking nails as a reminder for in between visits!!
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