Struggles...

I had a revelation this week.  Actually I had several of them which kind of culminated yesterday.  I've been struggling horribly the last few weeks.  I've had this feeling of oppression that I really couldn't shake no matter how many "good" things seemed to be happening.  Honestly, it's a little hard to deal with in the middle of the moment you've spent nearly your entire life looking forward to.  Somehow as a young girl you think that the moment of planning your wedding is the moment that your life should be perfect, right?  I really don't think I'm alone in that feeling.  Oh maybe you expect the few minor skirmishes over guest lists, wedding party, dinner or no dinner, cake or cupcakes, but somehow I expected the challenges to be extremely minor.  Now before going on to the feelings of the last few weeks I feel the need to explain that nothing about my relationship with Dustin has really been normal.  In a lot of ways we've faced challenges as early as our first couple months of dating that when I look at them right now I don't know who exactly it was that handled them in the mature, understanding way I seem to have handled them considering we've made it to this moment of wedding planning since I'm pretty sure it's not the Tonya I've lived with the last 30+ years that made those choices and decisions that were the right ones to make for us.  I know her... She's the one who reads the end of the book if the beginning or middle gets too frustrating.  She's not the one who waits patiently because God tells her to...  I'm not sure who that changeling was...  I think maybe I fell into the trap of thinking that I'd arrived in some way and the insecurities and struggles of my past would just miraculously fall away.  Right!!  Think again!!  They just find a new way to present themselves...  Where to even begin...  I have a secret...  I'm a pretty good faker...  I'm not even sure how I manage it sometimes, but the mask that I mentioned several weeks ago is something I've become pretty good at utilizing when the need arises....  The last few weeks I've found myself pulling it out to hid my true feelings on certain things.  Now don't get me wrong...  I had a wonderful time with my Mom and aunt trying on wedding dresses, walking through JoAnn's with my Mom looking for inspiration for projects without a complete vision at the moment, but just like when I was younger scouring the shelves with mom searching for that one inspiring object, I'm by no means saying that those moments aren't special.  They are memories I know I will cherish when I think of my wedding (Ok, especially getting locked in JoAnn's at 9 pm on a Friday night with Mom because we decided to go shopping when  a severe thunderstorm was on it's way...lol).  I think the fact that those special moments seemed to be shortly followed by this heavy, depressive spirit that I couldn't shake no matter what I tried or how I prayed is what has made the last few weeks such a struggle.  There's something indescribably sad about experiencing this feeling in the middle of a period of time that should be the most special and joyous celebration in a girl's life.  It's funny though because even in the middle of all of the inner turmoil I've found myself begging God to show me the lesson I'm suppose to be learning so I can be happy at this moment in my life that will only happen once.  I've spent the last few weeks when people ask about how excited I am, what plans I'm making, what dress I'm getting, etc pulling out my mask with it's proper little wedding smile and "excitedly" telling about "my plans".  The truth... Inside I'm screaming if only you knew how I really feel....  There are some moments that my little flower girl with her vision of sparkly dresses and shoes is the only thing that pushes me to the next item on my list to be done.  You see, there's a reason I chose little Lauren as my flower girl...  In her uninhibited excitement for sparkly shoes and princess dresses I see the me I don't want to lose sight of.  I look at Lauren and see my favorite picture of myself at her age...  I've needed that a lot over the last couple of weeks.  I've needed that little face that walks up and very seriously starts to inform me what her sparkly dress and shoes will look like for my wedding and how her younger sister will need them also...  I really hadn't given much thought as to why having Lauren as my flower girl was so important to me, but this weekend I realized exactly why I need her...  Through Lauren I stay in touch with the "princess" focus of that special day.  There's a very sweet, adorable innocence (although I'm sure her parents would beg to differ...) in her belief that she is a princess and it's not really a matter for question or debate.  You see... I'm an adult...  I somehow fell into the trap of believing that when Paul says to "put away childish things"  it meant I had to grow out of my princess moment...  I had to forget about it and move on to the adult world of reality which is I will never be good enough, I'll never be as pretty as some other girl, that I'll always fall short and be lacking.  Sadly, I believed that enough that I find myself struggling with those insecurities and doubts that I'll ever be able to make the "right decision" (whatever that is suppose to be) and for some reason it becomes the lie I struggle with right now.  It's a lie that makes me live in fear.  Rather than being a confident princess, I find myself trying to become the model maid, who says yes sir and no ma'am exactly when I'm suppose to.   I had my moment on Saturday where I realized the fear that had begun to overtake me and what role exactly it was playing in removing the joy from this moment of my life.  It leaves me with a rather interesting perspective on the last few weeks.  I find myself with a greater appreciation for Joseph's insight when he told his brother's "you meant it for evil against me, but God meant it for good".  You see this oppression drove me not only to God in prayer, but it drew Dustin and I closer as we both tried to make sense of it, but even more importantly it became instrumental in bringing me closer to my pastor and his wife as I struggled to make sense out of the senseless.  Could God have chosen to take what has been at times a soul wrenching anguish away?  Of course he could have, but I do also realize that in his doing so I would have missed some very significant moments.  I choose to believe that because of where certain moments fell that were a positive experience such as the shared moment of discovering the perfect dress, the excitement over actually wearing my dream shoes, that those moments will be that much sweeter and stand out that much more when remembered later maybe even because of the sorrow that surrounded them.  Rather than one discovery in the middle of many they become little oasis's of happiness in the middle of struggle.  Moments of promise and little glimpses of a joyous future God has planned.  Whatever his bigger plan I truly do believe that as Paul says "all things work together for good".  I chose to believe that even in the moment of distress that at times seems unending that God does have a larger plan that I can't even begin to imagine.