My Wonderland.....

So I find myself thinking again, which can be a thing to fear, but in this case it's rather interesting.  When you have lots of down time thanks to a sore jaw and then you have time to watch movies it can result in some interesting thoughts.

So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help.  I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version).  Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking.  That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though.  Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities.  The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down.  I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with.  I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts.  There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear.  When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?"  I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life.  I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them.  I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head."  Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud.  I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why?  There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears.  To borrow from The Message:  

“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.    (Matthew 28:10)

I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment.  As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point.  At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side.  In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me.  When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities.  When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace.  Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be.  I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity.  It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts.  I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward.  A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head".  I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!

I'm Okay....(Not)

So my last lesson I shared was from my manicurist.  Today.... It's from my new dentist.

See I have another confession to make.  Dentist terrify me.  I'm not talking in the normal sense that I dread it with a passion, but realize each year that it's never as bad as I remember.  I'm talking all out panic attacks,  fast breathing where's my paper bag reactions to the mere thought of a dentist office.  That's what made today such a huge day for me.

Today I faced my fear of dentists and walked into a dentist office for the first time in 17 years.  Yes, you read correctly.  For 17 years, I have battled with panic attacks at the thought of a dentist office, but today I walked through the door of one by myself and did NOT end up being treated for a panic attack.  So, yes, that is an accomplishment, but it's not the biggest accomplishment of my day.  The biggest moment of my day was when I admitted first to the dental assistant and then to the dentist that I wasn't okay.  I was nervous, I have panic attacks at the thought of entering a dentist office let alone sitting in the chair with someones fingers and metal instruments in my mouth, but there I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting these people do just that.  There is something that makes you feel not so alone when you are looked at and someone just says, that's alright.  You're here now and let's try to make this as easy on you as possible.  There is something freeing when they tell you that you are not alone in that fear.

I realized in that moment when this doctor who I had just met told me that it was okay to have those feelings and he would work to help me get past them that what I was hearing was it's okay to not be okay.  I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to act like everything is okay when in reality, it isn't all the time.  When I try to keep muscling through life acting like I'm okay when I'm not I keep others from ministering to me in their unique ways that God has gifted them.  If I had tried to muscle through my dentist appointment hiding my fear from the dental staff I would have left the office terrified that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed.  Instead by sharing my fears, these professionals that deal with this on a regular basis where able to  better prepare me for what would come while keeping in mind what I feared.  The same thing is true though for every other area of my life.  If I try to muscle through life acting like I don't experience pain, fear or insecurity at times I keep others from sharing the part of their experience that will help me the most, I lose the opportunity for others to pray for me over the things I'm struggling with.  If I try to act like everything is okay when it's really not, I'm lying to myself and others.  It can be a freeing thought when you start to realize that it's okay to not be okay.  Honestly, I don't think God means for us to be okay all of the time.  If we could then why would we need Him or others?  When we can admit that we are not okay, well, that's when God can go to work.  He can show us exactly why he puts some of those quirky friends in our lives as he uses them in unique ways to minister to the fact that we aren't always okay.

The Journey Nears It's End.....

It's hard to believe that my wedding is just 5 days away.  I find myself thinking about the journey it has been to get to this moment.  It really hasn't been quite the journey I expected when I started.  Somehow I think even despite all of the lessons I've spent the last 5 years learning there was still a part of me that kind of fell into the trap of thinking that getting married suddenly transported me to some fairy tale world as I planned this mystical moment I'd been waiting for.  I'm not sure why exactly, but for me planning a wedding hasn't really been this awesome, wonderful experience of feeling like a princess.  My experience with wedding preparations has been more a journey of self discovery on a new level.  It's been growing closer with Dustin as we tackle so many difficult moments, decisions and choices.  To be honest, I'm glad it's coming to a close.  I'm ready to be done with this part of my life and to move on to the next chapter.  Don't get me wrong at this point I wouldn't really change what has happened over the last 7 months.  I've grown in so many ways from it, but at the same time I don't know that I would have taken this route to get to the altar had I realized exactly what it entailed in July...  Maybe that's why God leaves our future so unclear to our present view.  If we were given the opportunity to see exactly what even the immediate future held I think it would be a little overwhelming.  I think one passage that has become very real to me through all of this is 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I like the way The Message words it as it really expresses well what I've spent the past 7 months learning first hand

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.


To me this has meant that God didn't throw at me month 1 of the chapter of my life called engagement what I wasn't ready to handle until month 7.  It's been this gradual journey of him molding me and making me into a different person.  In looking back over the moments I've set on the floor crying because I couldn't stand I realize that God wasn't pushing me past what I could handle.  He was taking me right up to the moment he was going to use to change me into yet another way that forms the bigger picture of what he has in store for me.  Looking at month 1 or even 3 of this engagement if I had been told God would be asking me to give up the job that was suppose to help pay for this wedding and sit unemployed for 6 weeks as part of that next step I think I would have run the other direction, but he didn't.  Instead he tested not only my faith, but Dustin's as well in leading our wedding in a direction that was beyond what we could manage in our own strength and finances and then proceeded to provide for even more than we dreamed would be possible.  It's funny, but through this I've learned to appreciate the little things.  The unexpected things that come along.  Saving $10 here or $20 there whether its on wedding supplies or groceries has an entirely new meaning now that I've realized those things I took for granted before are actually little ways God chooses to bless the decisions we make in other areas of our lives.  I've learned that he sends people into our lives with special skill sets that in and of themselves are blessings.  For some it's talking me through a crisis moment, for others its the ability to give me a beautiful hairstyle for that special moment and for others its skills in organizing so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out every moment of my wedding day.  All of that said if you ask me at any given moment my answer to any question related to my wedding will be I'm so ready to have this over with.  For me it's been this roller coaster that I'm more than ready to get off so the fact that the ride ends this weekend is so alright with me!  Of course I realize that what follows is adjustment and learning to live and function together as a couple in a way we haven't experienced yet, but I'm ready for that chapter to start.  It's funny as different well meaning friends have told me that all of this stress of the last months and the hard moments won't matter at some point or I won't really remember anything surrounding that moment later I have tried to listen and believe in that, but I think that deep down inside I know myself and I know that it's important for this day to express the story that Dustin and I share because I believe I will remember much of that day.  I really don't consider myself someone that has a photographic memory or at least it hasn't served me well in the area of study and school, but I remember important moments.  I remember the life changing moments like they were yesterday so I think more than anything it's important for me that our wedding express our story and that it's about us and I do have to say I think from the prelude music to the recessional to the reception our wedding will do just that for which I wouldn't trade even one painful moment of the last 7 months.  You see just like the pieces of our unconventional dating period the moments that make up the last 7 months have forever changed me and have laid the foundation of the relationship that we build on after we say our vows.

Exciting moments....

Today has been a super exciting day for a variety of reasons.  A few weeks ago I posted about my unemployed status.  Today I get to share some exciting news about that.  I am once again numbered among the employed!  I have accepted a position with our church to come on staff as an interim worship coordinator which is hugely different and exciting for me!  It's definitely a different direction from nursing, but one that I've been hugely fortunate in having Dustin's support in taking.  It's so funny when I stop and think back to the nearly 2 years ago that I first entered Mooresville Church of God to meet Dustin.  I don't think I ever would have imagined that one decision would have completely changed my life.  When I think that a few short months before meeting Dustin my sole goal was finding a guy and getting married it seems like I was aiming so low.  I'll never forget the October evening at Capital City Baptist Church when I finally came to a place I could hand my obsessive dream of marriage over to God.  I'm not really sure I completely understand exactly why for me God needed that specific dream handed over to him before he could bring Dustin into my life, but I do realize that it was one moment of growth that was only the first of many.  Somehow in handing that dream over to God I handed the biggest thing in my life over to God that was holding me back from becoming the person He wanted me to become.  Today in church as somehow the realization hit me exactly how much God had changed me over two years I realized that God had actually been setting this chain of events that would lead to this exact moment into my life in place years before I understood what he was doing.  He sent Kirby into my life years before I would ever take the first step through the door of the church, He sent Kirby into Dustin's life months before Dustin and I would meet.  All of the little moments such as being "volunteered" by Kirby for the first Easter choir I took part in, being stirred by the vision of the pastor I now find myself calling "boss".  Down to the timing of God asking if I was willing to join him in an unknown future that involved quiting a job with no obvious answer for what comes next to the position I find myself now accepting with excitement.  Even more so is the blessing of Dustin.  In Dustin, He's given me someone who doesn't just support me, but encourages and pushes me when I don't see something in myself that he sees in me.  If it's telling me he sees that I show ability in an area or if it's encouraging me to pursue a dream whether it's leading worship, writing a skit or thinking maybe I could make my Mary Kay discount into a profitable business, in Dustin God has given me a cheerleader when I need it and a moment of truth when necessary.  I never dreamed that day in January 2010 that I was walking through the door that would change my life forever!  I'm so glad I walked through that particular door!

Finally....

Finally!!!!  I've made it past the 2 month mark. I've even made it past the 60 day mark.  Invitations are out and RSVP's have started to trickle in (or race in the instance of a few people trying to make theirs the first to be returned lol).  Rather than broad goals we're down to details such as order of service, do we have readings or do we forgo them?  After what seems like forever things are down to the last weeks.    I'm left with dress fittings rather than dress shopping.  When I look over the months since July I find I've changed so much!  I feel like I've grown from the experience.  Wedding planning the way Dustin and I chose to do it has brought us closer together.  We've learned a lot about each other and have grown individually and together as a couple.  I do have to say its a nice thing to be at a place where I actually get to enjoy the holidays.  No wedding stuff for me until next week and it's a wonderful feeling!  Well, I might have to look into that reading bit in my spare time to see if there is anything that catches my fancy, but no hard core planning until after Christmas!

And Still More Lessons in Faith....

I'm pretty sure God's trying to use the period around my wedding to test my faith and patience in every possible way...  It's been a while since I've posted and quite honestly it has been because I've been struggling with and making some of the hardest decisions I could possibly make.  I thought dating, having a relationship and getting engaged were big enough, but God seems to be determined to do things in big style for me right now since in addition to all of that I've had other changes going on as well.  I've officially joined the ranks of the unemployed.  Now interestingly enough it was by my own choice, but it was a choice I did not make easily.  I've mentioned in various posts about different parts of my life that have lead me to the moment of meeting Dustin and the events that followed, but tonight I find myself thinking about a request I made of God not long after my first visit to Mooresville Church of God.  I asked him to use me however he wanted.,  In the hours I spent sitting on my bed one night crying and struggling with what I was sure was the hardest decision I would ever make to leave a church and a church family I loved dearly to go to a church where I knew the grand total of one person and wasn't sure exactly where or how I would ever fit in or be accepted.  As I struggled with that thought I came to the point of realizing if this were what God was asking me to do I really had no choice.  I had to go.  The consequences of saying no and staying where I was when God wanted me elsewhere was a domino effect that I loved that church family too much to risk, but even more so I didn't want to live life in the Wilderness of No.  I'd been there before and it took me a while to recover from the last trip.  I look back on that four hour crying jag nearly 2 years ago as a turning point for me on a personal spiritual level.  It was a moment I can look back on and say with certainty my life changed in the moment I said yes.  The journey over the next year and a half was amazing, but I can't say that I expected the turn my life took in November.  You see I have this little habit of liking security and answers.  I like to see where I'm suppose to go and if I'm going to open a door to walk through it I want to know what's on the other side of it.  If I'm going to leave a job I want to know what I'm leaving it for.  I prefer a back up plan to the back up plan.  It makes me feel better.  I'm learning right now though that God doesn't exactly work that way.  He works in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.  So while Dustin and I had both been talking about what my career would look like after the wedding, I don't think either one of us was exactly expecting any job change to happen before the wedding took place, but happen it has.  Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that the world around you has changed to a point it's not exactly what it was when you walked into it.  That's what happened to my job.  As much as I loved parts of it there were a lot of things changing and I wasn't the person that could do the job the way it needed to be done.  You know I've always thought it was awesome the way when God called Abraham packed up his house and left to go to a country the location of which he had no clue.  It was inspiring when the disciples left their nets and up and followed some stranger who walked past their place of business.  Personally, I'm thinking it looks a lot more glamorous in the Bible when I can read the end of the story whenever I want that says, Abraham did find his country, became father of a great nation and things turned out just fine in the end.  As for the disciples, well, it still somehow seems a little different being able to look at their story and see how the dots connect to make the bigger picture.  For me in the here and now it's been a little bit of a struggle.  I mean I know I'm doing what I'm suppose to.  I know God has lead me to the exact place I am right now, but that doesn't mean I don't question.  There is a part of me that is tempted on occasion to think.... I'm a nurse with ten years experience, I can get a job that pays well numerous places.  But IF I take matters in to my hands and find a job that suits my purposes of security and stability that I can see in the immediate future what blessings do I miss that God's trying to bring into this season of my life?  So I'm sure by now you're wondering how my current job situation pertains to my bride status....  Well, it pertains in the lessons God is sending my way through the freak out moments I have.  You see by making me plan a wedding at this time in my life He is giving my faith a tremendous work out!  It's teaching Dustin and I things about one another that we might not have had the opportunity to learn otherwise.  I find myself thinking a LOT about Romans 8:28:

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

 

Even in this season of my life that feels a little uncertain in the change taking place I do know that God has something awesome in store.  All I have to do is look at the stories I mentioned earlier to be reminded of that.  Somehow there's a part of me that is much more empathetic to Abraham's decision to pass Sarah off as his sister rather acknowledging her as his wife in a moment of human uncertainty at the outcome of a particular situation.  There is a part of me that understands in a very unique way now exactly how the disciples came to be out in their boats fishing in John 21.  The interesting thing I find in that particular story is that Jesus never rebukes them for "caving" to the need for some certainty.  Instead he takes the catch (which he made possible) and feeds them.  If you look at the book of Acts though you never see mention of those nets and boats again...  I'm understanding exactly what some of those very real people, who I always tended to look at as characters in a story before, were feeling in what we like to consider their moment of weakness.  Yes, Peter denied Jesus, Abraham fathered Ishmael and Jacob stole Esau's birthright, but I'm finding as I travel this path I'm on it's easy to doubt and question when you don't see exactly what is around the next bend in the road.  So I find myself in the middle of uncertainty holding to the verse I've claimed as my own.... 

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, delcares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   -Jeremiah 29:11.

 

  The part of his plans I can see right now involve a wedding and Dustin.  The rest will fall into place in His time!

It's the Not So Little Things...

I find myself very thankful tonight.  I sometimes wonder exactly what it was that made God decide to send Dustin.  This week has been one of those weeks that I kind of feel like he ended up carrying me through the last part of it.  I'm not completely for sure why this week feels so emotional, but it does.  Sometimes I feel like I'm at some sort of turning point in my life and that always makes me just a bit nervous when events start to line up and I don't get the entire picture, but the thing I find now is that no matter how uncertain I might be about how something is going to work out Dustin makes a great cheerleader.  I never really thought I'd come home to a clean house after a bad day at work even after I was married let alone before, but today that was exactly what happened!  I came home to be greeted by three happy little puppies and a clean kitchen, living room and dining room.  Now those were all things that in my mind I had decided that I would push to the back burner when Dustin mentioned going out.  In my list of things to do tonight I walk through the door to find the things I was dreading were done.  Now I will give Dustin a hard time on occasion about the fact that his "filing" habits for my things aren't quite the same as mine and there are times when I'm hard pressed to find where he put something, but the reality.... I don't really care.  It's such a minor inconvenience in the big picture of I the love I feel when I walk into the house and realize that he knew...  without stepping foot in my apartment in 3 days he knew that with the week I'd had experienced I was not keeping up on the housekeeping piece and he stepped in and surprised me by taking care of it.  The moments like that I find myself kind of thinking I've spent so many years focusing on that magic moment called a wedding and now that I'm suppose to be excited about it, I'm much more excited that Dustin knows and loves me so much he gets me without my having to tell him the extra things that are stressing me out.  That stepping in and doing those things that hang over my head at times means more than flowers or chocolates.  Of course don't get me wrong the flowers came Wednesday and I was quite thrilled by those as well!!   

Love....

Early on in my relationship with Dustin I read a book titled Sacred Marriage.  The premise of the book is the idea of what if God designed marriage to make us more holy than happy.  I found it an interesting concept and after reading it decided to try to implement it in my approach to my relationship with Dustin.  It was a totally foreign concept when compared to the way I had at one time devoured fairy tales and romance novels in an attempt to find the "meaning of true love".  I will say that I believe reading that book was one of the best things I could have done for our relationship.  It made me take a more balanced approach to dating with the goal of marriage.  It made me plan more long term and not focus so much on the instant gratification of the moment or on what I felt at the moment.  I find in many ways it has made a huge difference in me.  It's easy to fall into the trap sometimes of thinking I've waited 32 years for this. I deserve ____ (insert what I'm wanting from Dustin at the moment).  However when you start to focus on marriage or the relationship being about what God is using this other person that you have joined or are getting ready to join your life with to teach you it somehow changes things.  There's part of me at times that wonders exactly what it looks like after marriage because it already feels like I'm learning so many things about myself, but then God throws in the twister of letting me understand more about him through some things that happen with Dustin.  This weekend was a case in point.  I've developed a tendency over my life of holding things inside, through counseling I've learned to process through them, but I find that there are times when I still pull into myself to do that processing.  I'm not completely for sure why I've developed that rather interesting coping mechanism, but Dustin and I both are learning about that particular quirk of mine and how best to deal with it.  I learned something very interesting through it this weekend though.  I have to say that Dustin is good about letting me work through whatever it is I'm dealing with and supporting me as I do it even if it means I'm not quite ready to talk it out yet.  This weekend as I waded through the mess of emotions surrounding me the pulling into myself had a different effect than it's had in the past.  I found myself feeling incredibly lonely.  Here I was even with Dustin present during parts of it, but feeling isolated.  In the middle of it all I did find myself asking God exactly what it was I was suppose be learning in this.  It's taken me a couple of days, but I find myself looking back over the experience feeling that with the combined experience of Dustin and myself I have a visual of how it really should feel to us when we are experiencing distance and separation from God.  Now I by no means am implying that Dustin and I are some super spiritual couple, but this weekend was an amazing experience even in the middle of the sadness and loneliness that I was experiencing.  I mean the reality is that I knew all along that Dustin was there wanting to help me, wanting to offer his support and love, but for a period for whatever reason that I really don't understand even now I couldn't let him.  I'm not sure if I thought I had to get the answer myself or maybe it was I felt I couldn't bother him with something so trivial, but the truth...  He wanted me to bother him.  He wanted to be there for me even if he couldn't fix it he wanted to experience it with me.  It makes me see a little differently the idea of how it looks when we act like God doesn't need to be bothered with things from us.  It's like having a comparison of what it's like when we pull away from God to try to deal with things on our own.  He's sitting there waiting patiently, asking us occasionally are you ready to let me help yet (yes, Dustin asked multiple times if I was ready to tell him what the problem was).  There was something this time in seeing the look on Dustin's face each time I couldn't bring myself to share what it was that was bothering me when he asked that has me right now as I write this crying for a couple of reasons.  I realize in a relationship perspective that it hurt Dustin in a way each time I couldn't bring myself to share, but even more is the thought that the look I could see on Dustin's face is nothing compared to the agony it causes God when I try to push through every day life without him.  The moments when I push him away like a 4 year old saying "No!  I can do it myself!"  The interesting thing I found out after I finally was able to open up and start to process with Dustin rather than internalizing everything was the view that Dustin's perspective adds to complete the pictures.  His very simple response that made me pause was that he didn't like the feeling of separation and distance.  It sounds so simple, but it's so profound!  That's exactly how God feels when we push him away and don't allow him to be a part of our every day existence!  I know that the love that Dustin and I share is nothing compared to the love that God has for each and every one of us individually so if this is how Dustin and I experience this one moment in time how much more does God experience that distance and separation on such a large scale?  And He still doesn't leave us on our own!  It's pretty incredible!  I still feel like I've only scratched the surface on the magnitude of the realization from this weekend, but even that little tiny piece that has me understanding God just a little differently makes me so grateful that He has given me Dustin to learn these lessons a little better!  

Lessons Learned....

I love it when I have that sort of "Ah ha" moment.  The moment when some things that I didn't quite get fall into place.  A few weeks ago I was asked to lead worship at church while our associate pastor was away.  Today was the day that happened.  Now it might seem a bit strange that on a blog regarding my bride-to-be status and wedding that I rather randomly throw in this, but this has been a pretty amazing experience.  You see...  When I went to church to meet Dustin over a year and a half ago I had no idea the events that God was setting in place.  In some ways meeting Dustin was this entirely new beginning to my life.  There were things that happened and people that had become a huge part of my life prior to that, but somehow God used Dustin as this catalyst to take all of those moments that had happened over the course of my life and make them start to come together to make sense.  Somehow from the moment I stepped into a church for the sole purpose of meeting this friend of a friend my life changed.  In other posts I've mentioned the impact of that first message from the man that would become my pastor that day.  I've mentioned Kirby and Jaimy and just a few of the lessons God has taught me through them.  Today I find myself thinking about the impact that our associate pastor has had on me.  Jeremy was one of those people that when I first started going to Mooresville Church of God that because of the nature of his involvement in and surrounding the service I really didn't interact with a lot in that first month or so.  The interesting thing about my "big brother" Kirby is that you don't stay uninvolved when you adopt him as a brother and the church needs choir members for Easter....  Yes, I was volunteered...  A month and a half of attending church and I found myself in the choir for Easter.  That was how God brought Jeremy into my life in a totally different way.  Choir involvement led to filling in over the summer on the worship team which ended up turning into long term involvement in the worship team.  I think it's amazing how God brings people into your life at just the moment you need that relationship to develop so it's at the exact place it needs to be for a certain moment of time.  Somehow the last couple of weeks have made me realize exactly how much Jeremy has affected my life in this subtle way that I hadn't totally realized.  In tackling the challenge of leading worship something that in all honesty scared me to death at times and having come through it with the realization that it wasn't perfect, sure I could stand to build some confidence where leading is concerned, but with Jeremy's help, encouragement and faith in me and most definitely a large dose of God's intervention I did something that even a year ago I would never have been able to even think about taking on without having a full blown panic attack.  You see I love music.  I love to sing, play and listen.  I love the moments when music makes me feel close to God on some level.  I also have a tendency to fear failure.  To worry about the fact that I might hit a wrong note or mess up the word to a song and then (in my mind at least) that's the only thing anyone is going to remember.  I will have looked bad and failed.  Those are the fears I have struggled with.  In some way that I'm not sure I even understand completely God has used Jeremy in a nearly indiscernible way at times to teach me ways to deal with and turn those fears over to God.  Through Jeremy I've learned how to worship God in song.  I've truly learned that God doesn't want us to act like we're sucking sour pickles while singing Holy, Holy, Holy or How Great is Our God.  He wants us to experience his Spirit in our song.  Now believe it or not I truly do feel that these lessons I've learned from Jeremy do blend with the overall theme of my blog.  You see, these subtle lessons that God has been teaching me through Jeremy help me discover and learn more about who God wants me to be.  There is truly no way to describe the freedom I felt today after the church service was complete.  The best way I can describe it is that there was a sense of victory in being able to walk away and realize it wasn't perfect, I need some practice, but with God's help I did something that I never dreamed I could do.  I was able to give my fear and apprehension to God for him to show me exactly what He's capable of doing in my life if I will let him use me.  He will give me the courage to face the fears I have and in taking the first of many steps in learning that lesson it impacts my relationship with Dustin.  My life isn't divided into separate compartments.  What I do in one area impacts all of the areas of my life so when I can learn a lesson in worship from Jeremy, directly or indirectly it impacts my relationship with Dustin.  It's a pretty amazing thing when you think about it! 

And in the Middle of Planning a Wedding....

So it's been a while since I've posted, but it's been crazy!  Of course we've managed to get a lot of things accomplished and it feels like things are starting to come together and it feels like we have a solid direction.  It's kind of nice getting so many big things out of the way early on.  It's nice to get to relax in regards to the wedding arrangements.  I think God must realize once in a while that need a distraction in another area.  The last couple of weeks that has come in the form of God pushing me out of my comfort zone.  It's funny that for all of my intense focus on wedding planning when I was asked to undertake something new at church all of the sudden wedding planning took back seat to this new thing to undertake.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm suppose to get out of that change in events that shifted my focus.  I mean it hasn't entirely distracted me.  I still had this excitement like a little kid on Christmas morning when it came to opening the box my unity cross was in and of course Dustin and myself had to put it together right away to see what it looked like.  I've still taken an interest in cake testing, gathering information on flowers and the other little things that need to be handled, but maybe the piece I'm suppose to be learning right now is to not become overly obsessed with the details.  To not pour my entire energy into one thing, but to keep a healthy balance.  I'm still working on what the particular lesson is, but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventuatlly!

Fine or Fabulous.

This week has been very encouraging and productive!  My to do list is growing smaller and it begins to feel like things are under control.  The tuxes have been selected.  My wedding dress is ordered.  Gift registries are set up as is the wedding website.  Save the Dates were mailed today after we had our engagement photos taken.  The church is spoken for.  The reception venue reserved.  Invitations and RSVP cards are nearly ready for printing and my bridesmaids dress are all purchased.  I have shoes and the wedding bands are ordered.  Yes, I'm very happy with the way things are coming along.  It's very exciting to see God working things out in a way I never dreamed I would experience!  I'm not sure what exactly I thought wedding preparations would be like, but it wasn't anything like this.  I don't think I ever expected them to literally become an act of faith.  I had my way I wanted things to work, but they were all things I could control and make happen.   Last Saturday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast.  The thought I walked away unable to lose over the last week is this.  God didn't call us to "fine".  He called us to faith.  The idea being that a life that is fine can be explained by human reasoning.  A life of faith defies explanation,  It helped change my approach to this wedding.  All of the sudden I found that piece of me that could depend on God that what he has in store for my and Dustin's wedding is beyond explanation.  That it is far more than just fine.  It's fabulous!  It seems that after that moment I started to realize the little things that are falling together and find myself in awe every time we try to rework the budget!

Priorities and Steps of Faith....

I have a feeling of accomplishment tonight.  It feels like we're actually getting somewhere in the planning process.  Save the Date cards have been ordered and have arrived, my wedding dress is ordered, tux style selected and today the wedding rings chosen in a rather unexpected trip to the jeweler.  Somehow the selection of the rings makes everything seem real.  Sometimes it's easy to feel like I'm just a little girl playing wedding.  To feel that even when I'm planning certain things or choosing certain things that it's not really me or for me that I'm just planning a party of sorts.  The rings somehow make it seem real.  I think it's maybe because ultimately the rings are the physical symbol of the purpose of the entire day.  Oddly enough to the point that me the one who spent the first 2 months of our engagement freaking out and ending up with headaches every time the budget was mentioned or the cost of things had to be discussed without a moments hesitation found myself stepping up and telling the jeweler we'd take the ring that I could tell Dustin really wanted when he started to settle for his second choice.  This from the girl who in the fist month of our engagement slashed through the wedding budget like it was an expendable extra in a horror movie cutting every conceivable extra expense.  Yep!  I'm the one who made the call to go over our budgeted amount on rings.  You see there are some things that I find to be non-negotiable in the big picture.  The wedding rings are one of them.  Everything else from that one day pretty much goes away.  The tux goes back to the store, my dress gets put away in a box, the decorations go away to be re-purposed, but the rings... Well, since neither of us plan to make a habit of repeating this event every few years the rings become the one thing that remains when the day is over.  The Gift of the Magi is a story that while it always struck me as cute and sweet is one that with Dustin in my life I've come to appreciate in a way that I haven't before.  I understand why the couple in the story were able to part with their most prized possessions.  It meant that it made the one they loved more than anything happy.  I find that is a large part of the reason that I love having Dustin involved in every area of planning the wedding.  I love to hear what he likes, what's important to him and if it's something that I realize I don't have the passionate connection to that he does I find it easy to turn over that part to him to turn his dream into reality.  Some of my happiest moments in wedding planning happen when I stumble on an idea that gets him excited because by listening I found a way to incorporate an element that makes that day even more ours in its uniqueness.  I realized the moment I could look at the one doll I consider the prized doll of my collection, the one that I've always said is the last one I will ever part with and say that if making a certain part of a dream Dustin has come true means I need to sell it that I would part with that prize possession that at one time I never thought I'd be able to let go I realized that the value of things has changed.  I've found the one earthly thing that is more important than that beautiful little doll.  It's the way that a certain smile lights up Dustin's entire face when I do something that makes him happy.  It's the way that smile leads to excitement that nearly has him bouncing like a little boy on Christmas morning.  Thankfully, while I've definitely indicated to God that I am willing to part with that little doll if necessary he seems to be planning on letting me keep it for the moment as he continues to expand the potential budget in a way that Dustin and I can't quite make sense of...  Every time we make a decision that is made with the thought we do this and we'll look at the list of things we could cut and we'll cut something else God seems to send the money to cover the step of faith moment in a way that causes us to take the next step of faith just a little easier the next time...

Struggles...

I had a revelation this week.  Actually I had several of them which kind of culminated yesterday.  I've been struggling horribly the last few weeks.  I've had this feeling of oppression that I really couldn't shake no matter how many "good" things seemed to be happening.  Honestly, it's a little hard to deal with in the middle of the moment you've spent nearly your entire life looking forward to.  Somehow as a young girl you think that the moment of planning your wedding is the moment that your life should be perfect, right?  I really don't think I'm alone in that feeling.  Oh maybe you expect the few minor skirmishes over guest lists, wedding party, dinner or no dinner, cake or cupcakes, but somehow I expected the challenges to be extremely minor.  Now before going on to the feelings of the last few weeks I feel the need to explain that nothing about my relationship with Dustin has really been normal.  In a lot of ways we've faced challenges as early as our first couple months of dating that when I look at them right now I don't know who exactly it was that handled them in the mature, understanding way I seem to have handled them considering we've made it to this moment of wedding planning since I'm pretty sure it's not the Tonya I've lived with the last 30+ years that made those choices and decisions that were the right ones to make for us.  I know her... She's the one who reads the end of the book if the beginning or middle gets too frustrating.  She's not the one who waits patiently because God tells her to...  I'm not sure who that changeling was...  I think maybe I fell into the trap of thinking that I'd arrived in some way and the insecurities and struggles of my past would just miraculously fall away.  Right!!  Think again!!  They just find a new way to present themselves...  Where to even begin...  I have a secret...  I'm a pretty good faker...  I'm not even sure how I manage it sometimes, but the mask that I mentioned several weeks ago is something I've become pretty good at utilizing when the need arises....  The last few weeks I've found myself pulling it out to hid my true feelings on certain things.  Now don't get me wrong...  I had a wonderful time with my Mom and aunt trying on wedding dresses, walking through JoAnn's with my Mom looking for inspiration for projects without a complete vision at the moment, but just like when I was younger scouring the shelves with mom searching for that one inspiring object, I'm by no means saying that those moments aren't special.  They are memories I know I will cherish when I think of my wedding (Ok, especially getting locked in JoAnn's at 9 pm on a Friday night with Mom because we decided to go shopping when  a severe thunderstorm was on it's way...lol).  I think the fact that those special moments seemed to be shortly followed by this heavy, depressive spirit that I couldn't shake no matter what I tried or how I prayed is what has made the last few weeks such a struggle.  There's something indescribably sad about experiencing this feeling in the middle of a period of time that should be the most special and joyous celebration in a girl's life.  It's funny though because even in the middle of all of the inner turmoil I've found myself begging God to show me the lesson I'm suppose to be learning so I can be happy at this moment in my life that will only happen once.  I've spent the last few weeks when people ask about how excited I am, what plans I'm making, what dress I'm getting, etc pulling out my mask with it's proper little wedding smile and "excitedly" telling about "my plans".  The truth... Inside I'm screaming if only you knew how I really feel....  There are some moments that my little flower girl with her vision of sparkly dresses and shoes is the only thing that pushes me to the next item on my list to be done.  You see, there's a reason I chose little Lauren as my flower girl...  In her uninhibited excitement for sparkly shoes and princess dresses I see the me I don't want to lose sight of.  I look at Lauren and see my favorite picture of myself at her age...  I've needed that a lot over the last couple of weeks.  I've needed that little face that walks up and very seriously starts to inform me what her sparkly dress and shoes will look like for my wedding and how her younger sister will need them also...  I really hadn't given much thought as to why having Lauren as my flower girl was so important to me, but this weekend I realized exactly why I need her...  Through Lauren I stay in touch with the "princess" focus of that special day.  There's a very sweet, adorable innocence (although I'm sure her parents would beg to differ...) in her belief that she is a princess and it's not really a matter for question or debate.  You see... I'm an adult...  I somehow fell into the trap of believing that when Paul says to "put away childish things"  it meant I had to grow out of my princess moment...  I had to forget about it and move on to the adult world of reality which is I will never be good enough, I'll never be as pretty as some other girl, that I'll always fall short and be lacking.  Sadly, I believed that enough that I find myself struggling with those insecurities and doubts that I'll ever be able to make the "right decision" (whatever that is suppose to be) and for some reason it becomes the lie I struggle with right now.  It's a lie that makes me live in fear.  Rather than being a confident princess, I find myself trying to become the model maid, who says yes sir and no ma'am exactly when I'm suppose to.   I had my moment on Saturday where I realized the fear that had begun to overtake me and what role exactly it was playing in removing the joy from this moment of my life.  It leaves me with a rather interesting perspective on the last few weeks.  I find myself with a greater appreciation for Joseph's insight when he told his brother's "you meant it for evil against me, but God meant it for good".  You see this oppression drove me not only to God in prayer, but it drew Dustin and I closer as we both tried to make sense of it, but even more importantly it became instrumental in bringing me closer to my pastor and his wife as I struggled to make sense out of the senseless.  Could God have chosen to take what has been at times a soul wrenching anguish away?  Of course he could have, but I do also realize that in his doing so I would have missed some very significant moments.  I choose to believe that because of where certain moments fell that were a positive experience such as the shared moment of discovering the perfect dress, the excitement over actually wearing my dream shoes, that those moments will be that much sweeter and stand out that much more when remembered later maybe even because of the sorrow that surrounded them.  Rather than one discovery in the middle of many they become little oasis's of happiness in the middle of struggle.  Moments of promise and little glimpses of a joyous future God has planned.  Whatever his bigger plan I truly do believe that as Paul says "all things work together for good".  I chose to believe that even in the moment of distress that at times seems unending that God does have a larger plan that I can't even begin to imagine.  

Worth the Wait...

I've had some rather seemingly random thoughts today which were triggered by an article Dustin sent me.  I think it was initially sent due to the rather comical way I have a tendency to beg for "shopping trips" to the Keystone Mall when I'm feeling down purely because of the fact I can't afford to buy anything.  It's a rather crazy rational which Dustin didn't completely understand the first time I very "rationally" requested a trip to this particular mall for that exact reason.  The article that Dustin sent me today was about a woman about to be featured on the next season of Hoarders.  I found it a rather personal article in the openness with which she shared a small part of her journey from retail therapy that resulted in a house filled with items that she could never use, but a life that to anyone outside of her very small personal circle seemed very normal and functional, but one that in reality affected every aspect of her life and kept her relationships at a distance.  I suppose this is one of the things that really struck me.  You see, I related to this article on a personal level because that was me a few years ago.  I like the woman in the article got a certain high out of shopping.  It made me feel good for a little bit and then I had trouble getting rid of the items I purchased because with looking at them came the memory of a feeling I wanted to recapture.  There seemed to be a memory I could attach with nearly every item I had purchased.  I didn't really realize the complete picture of what I was doing at the moment and I can't really say that it was significant enough to those around me to cause undue concern, but none the less it was a problem.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but my moment of reality came as I was reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  Something as I read spoke to that desire for something that kept that feeling I was searching for a little longer than the brief moment of satisfaction.  That realization sparked a purging binge that lasted several months as I rather ruthlessly disposed of all of the "things" I had purchased in my search for that "high" that would make me forget the emptiness I felt at times.  It wasn't that I hadn't made a commitment to God or even that I wasn't trying to serve Him the best I could, but while I might not have been able to express it I was holding part of myself back from letting Him truly fill me the way I needed to be filled so that I wasn't continually re-experiencing those moments of emptiness.  At this point I'm sure you're wondering what exactly my rambling on this article really has to do with Dilemma's of a Bride-to-Be.  I think it's because I look at that period of my life as God getting me ready for Dustin.  The truth is I had a serious problem that if God hadn't stepped in and helped me to realize it I would have dragged our relationship and eventually even into our marriage.  It was a problem that expressed itself in the form of retail therapy and the need to own lots of stuff.  With the right motivation the buying habits might have changed, but I would have shifted my needs for fulfillment from the stuff to the man.  Of course then the shopping habits likely would have returned when the man couldn't fulfill the never ending need.  In the years following that purging binge I found myself.  I started to find the me that God intended for me to become.  In doing that I started to let God fill that part of me that nothing else could fill.  That made a world of difference in the challenges that come up in relationships.  Sometimes I get through them and find that I've handled them a way quite different than I know I would have before that moment of truth revealed in the self searching inspired by the classic work of C.S. Lewis.  Of course the plus is that after we discussed it after my first crazy request to go "window shopping" at Keystone Mall and what felt like my even more irrational explanation of why this trip was so important Dustin somehow understood.  He understood that while shopping is relaxing for me at times there are also times that those impulses still present a challenge so he humors my occasional need for controlled retail therapy and goes "dream shopping" with me in a safe environment.  It's one more way that demonstrates how God can give us so much more than we can even dream of asking for.  In my naive mind over the years I've wanted such surface things... A guy of my own so I was no longer alone and single, but instead of just any guy God gives me Dustin who lovingly puts up with my quirks and even finds ways to help me with the things I still struggle with on occasion.  It makes a wait that seemed so long during my 20's something I find myself very thankful took so long so that I could figure out a little better who I was going into a relationship and marriage.

Lessons in Faith...

I've discovered at this point in my life a lot of lessons and messages seem to come from all sides.  Example... I'm sitting in church yesterday and yep...  the message comes clear as day from the message itself.  It's time for a lesson in faith again, my dear...  I find I have a tendency to think that once I've learned a lesson that it's done.  On one level I do realize that it's a continual learning process, but I think I kind of find myself suffering from the delusion that the lesson won't be as hard the next time.  Now granted...  That's true at times, but it seems that as hard as the initial step might have been sometimes the progress while easier in some ways becomes harder as life changes those lessons to something I have to learn exactly how the lessons learned apply to my new normal.  Sunday I found myself sitting in church listening to the message which pertained to Faith.  I found myself going back in time remembering some of the messages I heard in the church I had just begun attending and the lessons leading up to that transition in churches that took place a year and a half ago.  Sitting there I found myself realizing that at one time I lived with the mistaken belief that hearing about a topic multiple times from various sermons meant I was dropping the ball in some way.  I just wasn't getting it so that reminder had to keep coming and coming and coming.  I've since realized that's far from true.  It's not necessarily some failure on my part to get the message.  Sometimes it's that I learned the first lesson successfully and it's time to move on to the next one which is a deeper understanding of how that lesson applies to the next phase of my life.  It took the faith to believe that God had some greater purpose in mind to make the move in changing churches when it was the last thing I wanted in my life at the time.  It took that faith to move me on to the next phase of faith that occurred during some of the challenges presented during the beginning of my relationship with Dustin.  And now I believe Sunday was all about God showing me that I need the lessons from those experiences going into the world of wedding planning.  Faith that things will turn out just fine even when I'm feeling overwhelmed, out of control or completely exhausted.  The great thing I'm discovering is that even though Dustin can't step in and learn the lesson for me, he can be a great support while I'm dealing with the lesson of the moment.  There's a line in the hymn "Come Thou Fount" that says "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I'm come".   When you look up the meaning Ebenezer (contrary to my young belief as a child does NOT refer to Ebenezer Scrooge...) refers to a stone of remembrance set out to commemorate a moment God helped Israel.  I suppose in a way I've come to see Dustin as my personal, living Ebenezer.  I look at him and know there was a time I never would have been able to handle the challenges that have gone into getting to this moment.  I know who I was and often I find myself thinking that's who I still am, but then Dustin serves as a reminder in so many ways of the changes God has brought to my life.  Oddly, enough Dustin serves as a very real reminder of the way faith has changed my life as so many of my life changing moments of faith include or involve him.  I believe with all my heart that God has given me Dustin and included him in those moments as a constant reminder of that faith that I can sometimes lose sight of, but it's up to me to remember those things when I look at him.  If the Israelites looked at their memorial and saw just a pile of stones it would never inspire them to the next victory.  In the same way I can look at Dustin and see just a man, a fiance, a future husband...  Or I can see a symbol of God's promise and a testimony to a faith I didn't know I could have.  It's really all up to me...

Keep Calm and Get Married...

Today I had a rather fun moment...  It's sometimes easy to lose sight of the fun pieces that are suppose to come along with a wedding, but spending the day with my adopted nieces has a way of changing the adult approach to a wedding to helping me remember why my wedding was something I wanted and looked forward to planning.  The adult pieces that come up and scream to be dealt with drowned out the fantasy of the little girl.  The fun thing about a day spent with those nieces...  They are at that age that thoughts of a wedding bring the fun thoughts of patterns, dresses and colors to mind.  The thoughts of where the money comes from to pay for those things are light years away.  There's something in their enthusiasm and excitement.  In hearing their plans for their future weddings discussed in interesting detail that brought back the memories of my own enthusiastic thoughts of my future wedding through the years.  The memory of the blurry face that always faced me at the thought of my wedding that would be waiting for me at the end of my walk down the aisle.  Now that face isn't blurry anymore.  It's a familiar and loved face.  It's a face that rather than just some blurry tie to a moment I wanted more than anything to make it to it's a face that has shared some of my deepest fears and concerns.  It's a face that has looks that bring certain shared moments to mind.  There's a certain child-like approach I found myself able to enjoy today that I haven't had the chance to experience.  It was seeing my wedding through the eyes of two young girls that have no opinions, suggestions or seriously intended advice.  It was like having the chance to see my wedding through the eyes of a younger version of myself.  There was something about hearing the over the top suggestions of things I really "needed" to incorporate into my wedding, the things that Dustin "would like" if I added them that gave me a chance to laugh in a way I haven't necessarily felt able to yet.  It was a day that felt like it put me in touch with my younger self enough I purchased a reminder of the day.  In the Old Testament, there are numerous instances of God instructing his people to set up markers to remind them of the moments He did something for them so that in the future they could look at that and remember what He had done.  Today I did just that.  In finding that inner little girl again from my day spent with Della and Keera I found myself buying one of the items the girls pointed out as a necessity.  You see, they might not have realized it, but the funny little cheap button pin is a necessity.  I need that reminder it provides for the future.  I need the reminder of the day, but also as the pin reads, I need to remember to "Stay Calm and Get Married".  I'm thinking more "fun" days for those reminders will be in my future, but today was definitely a needed moment!

Triumph...

So I've finally found my way out of the pit of burning desire for a wedding planner...  I've relinquished my dream of David Tutera showing up to and taking the planning of my wedding out of my hands.  (Ok, I'll confess to a degree that it's in part due to the fact that I now own the My Fair Wedding Visions and Revisions book...)  But even more so I think I've found my groove for thinking about planning a reception.  I have to say that when God sent Dustin into my life he sent the perfect man to deal with me during this rather chaotic period of my life.  I don't completely understand myself at times over the last month and a half, but Dustin somehow takes me in stride.  When I'm in tears and can't figure out why he has a way of making me believe everything is going to turn out ok even when I don't feel it at the moment.  When I came up with an idea in the middle of the afternoon he was the one to jump to looking for an answer.  He jumps to the task at hand, but he also celebrates the moments that matter with me.  When I finally figure out what the nagging thing that is sending me over the edge is he's there as my own personal cheerleader happy that I've made progress.  In some ways as stressful as it is to struggle with somethings when I get through the moment I can't help, but be glad it happened.  It brings us closer together as a couple, but also somehow makes me more secure in his love.  I already know in the moment I'm stressed out that I don't feel lovable or worth the effort so the fact that Dustin continues to go out of his way to make me feel cared about changes my world.  It strikes me that those moments that I experience that unconditional, undeserved love from Dustin give me a very personal and up close image of what God wants to be to us.  He wants to be there to celebrate the moments of triumph with us.  He wants to comfort us when we are hurting.  He wants to lift us up when we despair.  But if He is to do so He has to be included in those moments.  If I never share the moment when I'm discouraged with Dustin then he doesn't understand the moment of triumph over that thing that caused me to despair.  That's exactly how God is.  He wants to share all of those moments, but he won't force himself into the moment.  He's waiting for us to open ourselves up and share it with him.  And just as I find my moment of triumph over the thing that discouraged me doubled by the excitement that Dustin experiences along with me, our moments of victory can be blessings beyond measure when they are shared with God.

Standing Firm...

I'm starting to feel like planning a wedding is some kind of self exploration as much as an opportunity to learn how you do under stress as a couple and individually.  Personally, I'm amazed that Dustin hasn't asked for the ring back some days as I've sometimes felt I don't know myself very well so there's no way that he knows the me that he proposed to...  I discovered something really amazing though, I think he knows me better than I think most of the time.  Or maybe that God's really good about sending him just the thing to say when I need to hear it and he's really good at listening because he seems to be getting a part of me that I don't really get myself sometimes.  He's learning to speak to the part of me that sometimes gets drowned out when I have those moments of panic and stress.  He finds that way to focus me on the important things.  I think one way I really see this is that Dustin is not exactly a person who enjoys being the center of attention.  He'd much prefer to work behind the scenes than to be the one front and center which makes it rather humorous that of the two of us when I've been the one completely happy with the idea of running off to Vegas and saying my vows in front of someone dressed like Elvis with Love Me Tender playing in the background, Dustin has been the one to "stand firm" in the importance of that formal commitment in front of friends and family.  I find that right now for whatever reason I need that reminder often.  I need to to hear what he sees as important to that moment that will definitely take him out of his comfort zone to keep me focused.  His standing firm isn't really that of pushing me to do something I don't want to do, but more recognizing what is stress talking and what I really truly in my heart want.  It's like he's standing firm for me.  In someways it feels like he's fighting for me against myself (kind of sounds like I have a personality disorder...).  It makes me realize the time we've taken to get to this point means that he knows me better than I realized.  He recognizes the things that are important to me. but that I can start to lose sight of in the chaos.  When you think about it it's a little how God treats us if we let him....  He learns our heart and what speaks to us and if we let Him He will speak to that deepest desire and fills us in a way we can't even begin to imagine. 

To Live....

The last few days have been interesting in the thoughts I've had.  Somehow a celebration of the life of a little 4 month old who has impacted so many people leaves you considering your own life and what's important.  Since God's timing is always perfect I don't think it's any coincidence that my moment of clarity came the day before I spent two days absorbing the impact of this little guys life on so many others.  Somehow that realization of what Logan's little life meant to so many people had me re-evaluating some things.  I found myself making the observation to Dustin that it left me with the realization that in relationships there are some moments you only have one opportunity to be there for someone.  If you miss that moment you never get it back.  I found myself going to a celebration of life on Tuesday for that exact reason and was so glad that I had found a way to take the time to be part of that moment.  There was something about being part of that moment as my friends Chris and Amanda told their little son good-bye in their own special ways that made me realize that there are so many possible continuing chapters to Logan's story.  This is not a story that ends with that moment on Tuesday...  Chris and Amanda have their chapter to continue, but there's a chapter in my life titled Logan as well and my story builds from the moment this little baby entered the world to the moment God took him home and the unique lessons that I learned from this special little family that God put together adds a chapter to my life that will forever include little Logan Christopher Thorne.  I might have never had the chance to meet him, but none the less he became part of my life and story.   I find myself with a new appreciation for the lyrics of a song I've grown fond of in the last few months as Logan gives them new meaning

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

I suppose in a way Logan makes me realize that life is short.  As Proverbs 27:1 points out we don't know what a day brings, when we begin to take life for granted we act as if nothing will change.  I think this tiny little boy and his parents really make me realize the importance of making those moments count.  It leaves me with a feeling of purpose.  A need to treat each moment as if it's precious.  To approach my relationships with more purpose.  To live life with a little more abandon and truly learn to live as if each day could be my last....

Normal...

It's funny how different people can be telling you something over and over, but suddenly one person says the exact thing that gets through to you.  For me my friend Raegan happened to be that person.  Somehow the thing that many people had been telling me clicked.  It kind of feels like I've finally walked out of the fog that has been the last month and found my normal again.  Thanks to Raegan I had the moment I've been looking for where I realized that needed to snap out it.  It's like by that falling into place I feel like myself again.  I found my normal again.  It's like in finding that the fact that I've realized that I needed to find some way to set boundaries in the middle of all of this has fallen into place.  But even more than that I realized something really important about myself....  If I don't watch it I ask too much from Dustin.  I think that's some of what blindsided me a little that sudden change in me that seemed to want to equate engagement with his time is my time.  That conversation with Raegan actually helped remind me of the need to encourage him to have his time and space.  The funny thing???  That particular subject did not even remotely come up in our conversation, but the things that did helped me start to feel like myself again which in turn made me realize the things that started to shift in my approach to our relationship.  The other funny thing was that by that shift taking place other things started to change in my approach to work, wedding plans and a variety of things.  It's one of those things that continues to amaze me the way God sends just the person into our lives at the exact time we need them and builds the relationship where it needs to be for just the exact moment such as Sunday.  Try telling me something is too small to warrant God's interest....  I think not!!