It's hard to believe that my wedding is just 5 days away. I find myself thinking about the journey it has been to get to this moment. It really hasn't been quite the journey I expected when I started. Somehow I think even despite all of the lessons I've spent the last 5 years learning there was still a part of me that kind of fell into the trap of thinking that getting married suddenly transported me to some fairy tale world as I planned this mystical moment I'd been waiting for. I'm not sure why exactly, but for me planning a wedding hasn't really been this awesome, wonderful experience of feeling like a princess. My experience with wedding preparations has been more a journey of self discovery on a new level. It's been growing closer with Dustin as we tackle so many difficult moments, decisions and choices. To be honest, I'm glad it's coming to a close. I'm ready to be done with this part of my life and to move on to the next chapter. Don't get me wrong at this point I wouldn't really change what has happened over the last 7 months. I've grown in so many ways from it, but at the same time I don't know that I would have taken this route to get to the altar had I realized exactly what it entailed in July... Maybe that's why God leaves our future so unclear to our present view. If we were given the opportunity to see exactly what even the immediate future held I think it would be a little overwhelming. I think one passage that has become very real to me through all of this is 1 Corinthians 10:13. I like the way The Message words it as it really expresses well what I've spent the past 7 months learning first hand
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
To me this has meant that God didn't throw at me month 1 of the chapter of my life called engagement what I wasn't ready to handle until month 7. It's been this gradual journey of him molding me and making me into a different person. In looking back over the moments I've set on the floor crying because I couldn't stand I realize that God wasn't pushing me past what I could handle. He was taking me right up to the moment he was going to use to change me into yet another way that forms the bigger picture of what he has in store for me. Looking at month 1 or even 3 of this engagement if I had been told God would be asking me to give up the job that was suppose to help pay for this wedding and sit unemployed for 6 weeks as part of that next step I think I would have run the other direction, but he didn't. Instead he tested not only my faith, but Dustin's as well in leading our wedding in a direction that was beyond what we could manage in our own strength and finances and then proceeded to provide for even more than we dreamed would be possible. It's funny, but through this I've learned to appreciate the little things. The unexpected things that come along. Saving $10 here or $20 there whether its on wedding supplies or groceries has an entirely new meaning now that I've realized those things I took for granted before are actually little ways God chooses to bless the decisions we make in other areas of our lives. I've learned that he sends people into our lives with special skill sets that in and of themselves are blessings. For some it's talking me through a crisis moment, for others its the ability to give me a beautiful hairstyle for that special moment and for others its skills in organizing so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out every moment of my wedding day. All of that said if you ask me at any given moment my answer to any question related to my wedding will be I'm so ready to have this over with. For me it's been this roller coaster that I'm more than ready to get off so the fact that the ride ends this weekend is so alright with me! Of course I realize that what follows is adjustment and learning to live and function together as a couple in a way we haven't experienced yet, but I'm ready for that chapter to start. It's funny as different well meaning friends have told me that all of this stress of the last months and the hard moments won't matter at some point or I won't really remember anything surrounding that moment later I have tried to listen and believe in that, but I think that deep down inside I know myself and I know that it's important for this day to express the story that Dustin and I share because I believe I will remember much of that day. I really don't consider myself someone that has a photographic memory or at least it hasn't served me well in the area of study and school, but I remember important moments. I remember the life changing moments like they were yesterday so I think more than anything it's important for me that our wedding express our story and that it's about us and I do have to say I think from the prelude music to the recessional to the reception our wedding will do just that for which I wouldn't trade even one painful moment of the last 7 months. You see just like the pieces of our unconventional dating period the moments that make up the last 7 months have forever changed me and have laid the foundation of the relationship that we build on after we say our vows.
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