My Wonderland.....

So I find myself thinking again, which can be a thing to fear, but in this case it's rather interesting.  When you have lots of down time thanks to a sore jaw and then you have time to watch movies it can result in some interesting thoughts.

So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help.  I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version).  Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking.  That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though.  Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities.  The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down.  I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with.  I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts.  There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear.  When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?"  I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life.  I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them.  I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head."  Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud.  I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why?  There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears.  To borrow from The Message:  

“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.    (Matthew 28:10)

I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment.  As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point.  At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side.  In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me.  When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities.  When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace.  Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be.  I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity.  It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts.  I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward.  A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head".  I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!

Endings and beginnings....

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the simplest things lead to the most profound lessons? I had one of those moments today.  Earlier this spring I realized that I had a houseplant that wasn't doing so well.  No matter what I tried it wasn't dying, but it wasn't growing either.  I fertilized, transplanted into a bigger container, repositioned and  relocated, but still it stayed exactly the same.  Never changing and becoming an eyesore rather than a thing of beauty in our living room.  Finally in a last attempt to save it I put it on the porch with my outdoor flowers hoping that it would flourish there.  Sadly, a few days later I pulled off the last of the leaves and placed the container holding this tiny dead stem on the bottom shelf of our plant stand hoping that the living plants on top would detract from the empty flower pots underneath holding the sad remnants of plants that no longer showed signs of life.  

Today, I decided that some of those dead plants needed to be replaced with reminders of life so I purchased some seasonal flowers and proceeded to replace the dead and dying ones.  When I pulled out my little house plant ready to replace the sad brown little stem with a beautiful mum I was surprised to find leaves.

This sad little brown stem that I had ignored was growing!  This discovery has left me in a rather contemplative mood.  If this little plant had not experienced the change it went through earlier in the summer it never would have the opportunity to grow stronger and beautiful at this phase.  

In a way I relate to my little plant right now.  I'm going through a period of change that is incredibly painful at times.  Sometimes I feel like the little plant getting all of its leaves torn off as pieces of life as I've known it are changed and pulled away.  As I look at my little plant though I'm also reminded that these things are necessary.  As the layers of lies I've believed about myself are torn away, however painful it might be in the moment it makes way for the beautiful truth that God placed in me when he created me to blossom and the more that happens the healthier, stronger and more beautiful I become. 

I find myself extremely grateful when God finds a way to link these lessons to things that are part of my everyday life.  Now every time I look at my little plant I can't help, but hear the words in my head....  

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."

For those beautiful new beginnings to happen though I'm discovering that there are necessary endings that must take place.  Thankfully though God has chosen to give me a reminder in a little houseplant.