Lessons from Moses

So the other day I was reading and I came across the re-telling of the second time that Moses was used to give Israel water from a rock.  I'm not sure exactly why this stood out to me this time, but this is the section that caught my attention:

The Lord said to Moses,  “Take the staff, and you and your brother Aaron gather the assembly together. Speak to that rock before their eyes and it will pour out its water. You will bring water out of the rock for the community so they and their livestock can drink.”  So Moses took the staff from the Lord’s presence, just as he commanded him.  He and Aaron gathered the assembly together in front of the rock and Moses said to them, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring you water out of this rock?”  Then Moses raised his arm and struck the rock twice with his staff. Water gushed out, and the community and their livestock drank.  But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, “Because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.”   Numbers 20:7-12

Now having been raised in church I've quite lost count of how many times this particular account of Moses lack of perfection has been used to tell me that God will punish me if I don't do what He says.  Sometimes it's hard for me to step away from the threat of judgement to actually see the reason God included this particular story in the history book, we call the Bible, that He gives us.  For whatever reason this time I found myself relating to this story a little differently.  Rather than focusing on the fact that God tells Moses and Aaron they will not lead Israel into the Promised Land, I recognized the struggle that had to take place in Moses in the moment.  

I found myself going back and looking at the first instance that God used a rock to provide water for his people.  It was interesting to compare the two accounts.  As I continued going back and forth wondering about the significance of striking the rock the first time, but the command to speak to it the second time.  I found myself wondering why?  The need was the same both times, why change the method that God wanted to use to reveal himself?  Why was the consequence of Moses decision to strike the rock that He would never see the land of promise?  

The more I have thought about it I find myself coming to the conclusion that there are lessons in the nuances of the two accounts.  Now I don't claim to be a Bible scholar able to break down the significance of striking the rock, showing God's power, etc, etc, etc.  Honestly, I don't care.  That's not the lesson God had for me this time.  My lesson this time was the realization that I like Moses at times tend to doubt the method God uses to reveal Himself.  I am guilty of questioning when God chooses to do something in multiple different ways.  The reality was Moses hindered God being able to show His power in an entirely different way to the nation of Israel, by defaulting to the way that worked before.  One of the other awesome things that I noticed this time through is the grace that God showed to Moses.  God did not strike him dead the instant he chose poorly.  In fact, just the opposite, God still gave Israel the water they sorely needed.  God continued to allow Moses to lead His people on their journey in the wilderness.  However, when it came to entering a new country with new promise and new challenges that would require a leader that would follow God without question, the consequence of Moses decision meant that he was not the man God would be able to use going forward.  Moses had been unwilling or maybe even unable to be used by God going forward.  Was it fear?  Was it pride?  Was it a moment of uncontrolled anger?  Those are questions that none of us can answer, but I'm left with some thoughts on my own life as a result.

Looking at Moses in this instance through these new eyes I find myself thinking of the leadership role that God has placed me in for this season of my life.  It makes me very conscious of the decisions I make and the people He has placed under my direction.  I find myself thinking about the necessity of being willing to move forward to the unknown as scary as it may be and to do things in a different way if that is how God directs.  It's a sobering thought when I look at Moses' story and realize he wasn't able to realize the full potential of the task God had set before him because he struggled with trusting in the unknown moment.  I makes me take even more seriously the decisions I make as I realize that being part of something that God is doing is an awesome thing and to miss a part of that is such a sad ending to have included as part of one's story.  

My Wonderland.....

So I find myself thinking again, which can be a thing to fear, but in this case it's rather interesting.  When you have lots of down time thanks to a sore jaw and then you have time to watch movies it can result in some interesting thoughts.

So in my post from Sunday I wondered what replaces the space left by the fear that I overcame with God's help.  I seem to have had some interesting thoughts on that as in the down time I had over the weekend I found myself watching Disney's Alice in Wonderland (the classic animated version).  Somehow I found myself watching it because I expected it to be brainless and non-thought provoking.  That wasn't what God had in store for me this time though.  Somehow in watching it this time it was like I was seeing how I live life when I'm surrounded by fears and insecurities.  The fears and insecurities make everything seem backwards and upside down.  I'm never sure what the right answer is because it always changes based on the fear I'm faced with.  I think the first moment that the similarities between myself and Alice struck me was while watching the croquet game between Alice and the Queen of Hearts.  There was something in the spastic way the game was played out that allowed me to make a comparison to how my life feels when I allow myself to be ruled by fear.  When I hold myself back from asking that question of God "What do you want me to do?"  I realized as I watched Alice being controlled by the Queen of Hearts in a world that had no structure that so often that is how I allow myself to experience life.  I allow myself to be bounced around and I worry about what certain people will say if I'm truly honest and genuine with them.  I see myself in the Mad Hatter and March Hare as they proceed to distract the Queen of Hearts by focusing her attention on everything, but what she needs to see. I realize that there are times when I will bounce a conversation everywhere, but the direction it needs to go because I'm afraid of hearing the words "Off with her head."  Of course when I start to think of all of this while watching the animated child's film I realize how silly it is to live my life under that cloud.  I brace myself for the condemnation of others, but why?  There is something in seeing the similarities between myself in everyday life and Alice interacting with the over the top Queen that makes me realize the ridiculousness of my fears.  To borrow from The Message:  

“Don’t be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There’s nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.    (Matthew 28:10)

I realize exactly how much I hold back from being all that God intends for me to be as I react to whatever or whoever the Queen of Hearts in my story happens to be at the moment.  As I reflect on the last weekend I find myself coming to the realization that this weekend for me has become a turning point.  At some moment or maybe through a culmination of moments I realized that the even bigger piece of Alice's story that pertains to me is the end as she is being chased by the Queen (a.k.a my fears) and she comes to the locked door only to find that she's really on the other side.  In that moment at the end I realized that this is the perfect picture of where I am and where God wants me.  When I'm on the side of the door with my fears, I'm being chased, hounded and I'm caught up in a cycle of drama as I'm bounced around and worried by my insecurities.  When I'm pursuing the life that God wants for me, when I'm practicing genuine relationship with Him and others that's when I'm at peace.  Even in the middle of struggle (insert sedation wearing off in the middle of your dental procedure) there's peace because I'm being the person God intends for me to be.  I'm letting my weakness be turned into a strength, I'm becoming a testament to God's power rather than a basket case of uncontrolled fear and insecurity.  It makes me realize that I'm tired of living a life dictated by my own personal Queen of Hearts.  I want to be the girl on the other side of the door, able to embrace the life that God is leading me toward.  A woman that refuses to stay quiet because someone might yell "off with her head".  I want to deal with the fears of my past and move on to be the woman God called me to be!

Endings and beginnings....

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the simplest things lead to the most profound lessons? I had one of those moments today.  Earlier this spring I realized that I had a houseplant that wasn't doing so well.  No matter what I tried it wasn't dying, but it wasn't growing either.  I fertilized, transplanted into a bigger container, repositioned and  relocated, but still it stayed exactly the same.  Never changing and becoming an eyesore rather than a thing of beauty in our living room.  Finally in a last attempt to save it I put it on the porch with my outdoor flowers hoping that it would flourish there.  Sadly, a few days later I pulled off the last of the leaves and placed the container holding this tiny dead stem on the bottom shelf of our plant stand hoping that the living plants on top would detract from the empty flower pots underneath holding the sad remnants of plants that no longer showed signs of life.  

Today, I decided that some of those dead plants needed to be replaced with reminders of life so I purchased some seasonal flowers and proceeded to replace the dead and dying ones.  When I pulled out my little house plant ready to replace the sad brown little stem with a beautiful mum I was surprised to find leaves.

This sad little brown stem that I had ignored was growing!  This discovery has left me in a rather contemplative mood.  If this little plant had not experienced the change it went through earlier in the summer it never would have the opportunity to grow stronger and beautiful at this phase.  

In a way I relate to my little plant right now.  I'm going through a period of change that is incredibly painful at times.  Sometimes I feel like the little plant getting all of its leaves torn off as pieces of life as I've known it are changed and pulled away.  As I look at my little plant though I'm also reminded that these things are necessary.  As the layers of lies I've believed about myself are torn away, however painful it might be in the moment it makes way for the beautiful truth that God placed in me when he created me to blossom and the more that happens the healthier, stronger and more beautiful I become. 

I find myself extremely grateful when God finds a way to link these lessons to things that are part of my everyday life.  Now every time I look at my little plant I can't help, but hear the words in my head....  

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."

For those beautiful new beginnings to happen though I'm discovering that there are necessary endings that must take place.  Thankfully though God has chosen to give me a reminder in a little houseplant.