The Journey Nears It's End.....

It's hard to believe that my wedding is just 5 days away.  I find myself thinking about the journey it has been to get to this moment.  It really hasn't been quite the journey I expected when I started.  Somehow I think even despite all of the lessons I've spent the last 5 years learning there was still a part of me that kind of fell into the trap of thinking that getting married suddenly transported me to some fairy tale world as I planned this mystical moment I'd been waiting for.  I'm not sure why exactly, but for me planning a wedding hasn't really been this awesome, wonderful experience of feeling like a princess.  My experience with wedding preparations has been more a journey of self discovery on a new level.  It's been growing closer with Dustin as we tackle so many difficult moments, decisions and choices.  To be honest, I'm glad it's coming to a close.  I'm ready to be done with this part of my life and to move on to the next chapter.  Don't get me wrong at this point I wouldn't really change what has happened over the last 7 months.  I've grown in so many ways from it, but at the same time I don't know that I would have taken this route to get to the altar had I realized exactly what it entailed in July...  Maybe that's why God leaves our future so unclear to our present view.  If we were given the opportunity to see exactly what even the immediate future held I think it would be a little overwhelming.  I think one passage that has become very real to me through all of this is 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I like the way The Message words it as it really expresses well what I've spent the past 7 months learning first hand

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.


To me this has meant that God didn't throw at me month 1 of the chapter of my life called engagement what I wasn't ready to handle until month 7.  It's been this gradual journey of him molding me and making me into a different person.  In looking back over the moments I've set on the floor crying because I couldn't stand I realize that God wasn't pushing me past what I could handle.  He was taking me right up to the moment he was going to use to change me into yet another way that forms the bigger picture of what he has in store for me.  Looking at month 1 or even 3 of this engagement if I had been told God would be asking me to give up the job that was suppose to help pay for this wedding and sit unemployed for 6 weeks as part of that next step I think I would have run the other direction, but he didn't.  Instead he tested not only my faith, but Dustin's as well in leading our wedding in a direction that was beyond what we could manage in our own strength and finances and then proceeded to provide for even more than we dreamed would be possible.  It's funny, but through this I've learned to appreciate the little things.  The unexpected things that come along.  Saving $10 here or $20 there whether its on wedding supplies or groceries has an entirely new meaning now that I've realized those things I took for granted before are actually little ways God chooses to bless the decisions we make in other areas of our lives.  I've learned that he sends people into our lives with special skill sets that in and of themselves are blessings.  For some it's talking me through a crisis moment, for others its the ability to give me a beautiful hairstyle for that special moment and for others its skills in organizing so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out every moment of my wedding day.  All of that said if you ask me at any given moment my answer to any question related to my wedding will be I'm so ready to have this over with.  For me it's been this roller coaster that I'm more than ready to get off so the fact that the ride ends this weekend is so alright with me!  Of course I realize that what follows is adjustment and learning to live and function together as a couple in a way we haven't experienced yet, but I'm ready for that chapter to start.  It's funny as different well meaning friends have told me that all of this stress of the last months and the hard moments won't matter at some point or I won't really remember anything surrounding that moment later I have tried to listen and believe in that, but I think that deep down inside I know myself and I know that it's important for this day to express the story that Dustin and I share because I believe I will remember much of that day.  I really don't consider myself someone that has a photographic memory or at least it hasn't served me well in the area of study and school, but I remember important moments.  I remember the life changing moments like they were yesterday so I think more than anything it's important for me that our wedding express our story and that it's about us and I do have to say I think from the prelude music to the recessional to the reception our wedding will do just that for which I wouldn't trade even one painful moment of the last 7 months.  You see just like the pieces of our unconventional dating period the moments that make up the last 7 months have forever changed me and have laid the foundation of the relationship that we build on after we say our vows.

And Still More Lessons in Faith....

I'm pretty sure God's trying to use the period around my wedding to test my faith and patience in every possible way...  It's been a while since I've posted and quite honestly it has been because I've been struggling with and making some of the hardest decisions I could possibly make.  I thought dating, having a relationship and getting engaged were big enough, but God seems to be determined to do things in big style for me right now since in addition to all of that I've had other changes going on as well.  I've officially joined the ranks of the unemployed.  Now interestingly enough it was by my own choice, but it was a choice I did not make easily.  I've mentioned in various posts about different parts of my life that have lead me to the moment of meeting Dustin and the events that followed, but tonight I find myself thinking about a request I made of God not long after my first visit to Mooresville Church of God.  I asked him to use me however he wanted.,  In the hours I spent sitting on my bed one night crying and struggling with what I was sure was the hardest decision I would ever make to leave a church and a church family I loved dearly to go to a church where I knew the grand total of one person and wasn't sure exactly where or how I would ever fit in or be accepted.  As I struggled with that thought I came to the point of realizing if this were what God was asking me to do I really had no choice.  I had to go.  The consequences of saying no and staying where I was when God wanted me elsewhere was a domino effect that I loved that church family too much to risk, but even more so I didn't want to live life in the Wilderness of No.  I'd been there before and it took me a while to recover from the last trip.  I look back on that four hour crying jag nearly 2 years ago as a turning point for me on a personal spiritual level.  It was a moment I can look back on and say with certainty my life changed in the moment I said yes.  The journey over the next year and a half was amazing, but I can't say that I expected the turn my life took in November.  You see I have this little habit of liking security and answers.  I like to see where I'm suppose to go and if I'm going to open a door to walk through it I want to know what's on the other side of it.  If I'm going to leave a job I want to know what I'm leaving it for.  I prefer a back up plan to the back up plan.  It makes me feel better.  I'm learning right now though that God doesn't exactly work that way.  He works in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.  So while Dustin and I had both been talking about what my career would look like after the wedding, I don't think either one of us was exactly expecting any job change to happen before the wedding took place, but happen it has.  Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that the world around you has changed to a point it's not exactly what it was when you walked into it.  That's what happened to my job.  As much as I loved parts of it there were a lot of things changing and I wasn't the person that could do the job the way it needed to be done.  You know I've always thought it was awesome the way when God called Abraham packed up his house and left to go to a country the location of which he had no clue.  It was inspiring when the disciples left their nets and up and followed some stranger who walked past their place of business.  Personally, I'm thinking it looks a lot more glamorous in the Bible when I can read the end of the story whenever I want that says, Abraham did find his country, became father of a great nation and things turned out just fine in the end.  As for the disciples, well, it still somehow seems a little different being able to look at their story and see how the dots connect to make the bigger picture.  For me in the here and now it's been a little bit of a struggle.  I mean I know I'm doing what I'm suppose to.  I know God has lead me to the exact place I am right now, but that doesn't mean I don't question.  There is a part of me that is tempted on occasion to think.... I'm a nurse with ten years experience, I can get a job that pays well numerous places.  But IF I take matters in to my hands and find a job that suits my purposes of security and stability that I can see in the immediate future what blessings do I miss that God's trying to bring into this season of my life?  So I'm sure by now you're wondering how my current job situation pertains to my bride status....  Well, it pertains in the lessons God is sending my way through the freak out moments I have.  You see by making me plan a wedding at this time in my life He is giving my faith a tremendous work out!  It's teaching Dustin and I things about one another that we might not have had the opportunity to learn otherwise.  I find myself thinking a LOT about Romans 8:28:

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

 

Even in this season of my life that feels a little uncertain in the change taking place I do know that God has something awesome in store.  All I have to do is look at the stories I mentioned earlier to be reminded of that.  Somehow there's a part of me that is much more empathetic to Abraham's decision to pass Sarah off as his sister rather acknowledging her as his wife in a moment of human uncertainty at the outcome of a particular situation.  There is a part of me that understands in a very unique way now exactly how the disciples came to be out in their boats fishing in John 21.  The interesting thing I find in that particular story is that Jesus never rebukes them for "caving" to the need for some certainty.  Instead he takes the catch (which he made possible) and feeds them.  If you look at the book of Acts though you never see mention of those nets and boats again...  I'm understanding exactly what some of those very real people, who I always tended to look at as characters in a story before, were feeling in what we like to consider their moment of weakness.  Yes, Peter denied Jesus, Abraham fathered Ishmael and Jacob stole Esau's birthright, but I'm finding as I travel this path I'm on it's easy to doubt and question when you don't see exactly what is around the next bend in the road.  So I find myself in the middle of uncertainty holding to the verse I've claimed as my own.... 

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, delcares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   -Jeremiah 29:11.

 

  The part of his plans I can see right now involve a wedding and Dustin.  The rest will fall into place in His time!

Love....

Early on in my relationship with Dustin I read a book titled Sacred Marriage.  The premise of the book is the idea of what if God designed marriage to make us more holy than happy.  I found it an interesting concept and after reading it decided to try to implement it in my approach to my relationship with Dustin.  It was a totally foreign concept when compared to the way I had at one time devoured fairy tales and romance novels in an attempt to find the "meaning of true love".  I will say that I believe reading that book was one of the best things I could have done for our relationship.  It made me take a more balanced approach to dating with the goal of marriage.  It made me plan more long term and not focus so much on the instant gratification of the moment or on what I felt at the moment.  I find in many ways it has made a huge difference in me.  It's easy to fall into the trap sometimes of thinking I've waited 32 years for this. I deserve ____ (insert what I'm wanting from Dustin at the moment).  However when you start to focus on marriage or the relationship being about what God is using this other person that you have joined or are getting ready to join your life with to teach you it somehow changes things.  There's part of me at times that wonders exactly what it looks like after marriage because it already feels like I'm learning so many things about myself, but then God throws in the twister of letting me understand more about him through some things that happen with Dustin.  This weekend was a case in point.  I've developed a tendency over my life of holding things inside, through counseling I've learned to process through them, but I find that there are times when I still pull into myself to do that processing.  I'm not completely for sure why I've developed that rather interesting coping mechanism, but Dustin and I both are learning about that particular quirk of mine and how best to deal with it.  I learned something very interesting through it this weekend though.  I have to say that Dustin is good about letting me work through whatever it is I'm dealing with and supporting me as I do it even if it means I'm not quite ready to talk it out yet.  This weekend as I waded through the mess of emotions surrounding me the pulling into myself had a different effect than it's had in the past.  I found myself feeling incredibly lonely.  Here I was even with Dustin present during parts of it, but feeling isolated.  In the middle of it all I did find myself asking God exactly what it was I was suppose be learning in this.  It's taken me a couple of days, but I find myself looking back over the experience feeling that with the combined experience of Dustin and myself I have a visual of how it really should feel to us when we are experiencing distance and separation from God.  Now I by no means am implying that Dustin and I are some super spiritual couple, but this weekend was an amazing experience even in the middle of the sadness and loneliness that I was experiencing.  I mean the reality is that I knew all along that Dustin was there wanting to help me, wanting to offer his support and love, but for a period for whatever reason that I really don't understand even now I couldn't let him.  I'm not sure if I thought I had to get the answer myself or maybe it was I felt I couldn't bother him with something so trivial, but the truth...  He wanted me to bother him.  He wanted to be there for me even if he couldn't fix it he wanted to experience it with me.  It makes me see a little differently the idea of how it looks when we act like God doesn't need to be bothered with things from us.  It's like having a comparison of what it's like when we pull away from God to try to deal with things on our own.  He's sitting there waiting patiently, asking us occasionally are you ready to let me help yet (yes, Dustin asked multiple times if I was ready to tell him what the problem was).  There was something this time in seeing the look on Dustin's face each time I couldn't bring myself to share what it was that was bothering me when he asked that has me right now as I write this crying for a couple of reasons.  I realize in a relationship perspective that it hurt Dustin in a way each time I couldn't bring myself to share, but even more is the thought that the look I could see on Dustin's face is nothing compared to the agony it causes God when I try to push through every day life without him.  The moments when I push him away like a 4 year old saying "No!  I can do it myself!"  The interesting thing I found out after I finally was able to open up and start to process with Dustin rather than internalizing everything was the view that Dustin's perspective adds to complete the pictures.  His very simple response that made me pause was that he didn't like the feeling of separation and distance.  It sounds so simple, but it's so profound!  That's exactly how God feels when we push him away and don't allow him to be a part of our every day existence!  I know that the love that Dustin and I share is nothing compared to the love that God has for each and every one of us individually so if this is how Dustin and I experience this one moment in time how much more does God experience that distance and separation on such a large scale?  And He still doesn't leave us on our own!  It's pretty incredible!  I still feel like I've only scratched the surface on the magnitude of the realization from this weekend, but even that little tiny piece that has me understanding God just a little differently makes me so grateful that He has given me Dustin to learn these lessons a little better!  

Fun moments...

 

 

 

Just so no one thinks I never get to have any fun in the middle of wedding planning I thought I'd share my favorite picture from the bridal shower some of my family threw for me last weekend.  I have to say it was a fun and festive shower (with some really cool presents).  In keeping with the 50's vibe we are trying to capture with pieces of our wedding the decorations were really fun and cool with a very retro feel.  It was a really fun day which ended in a fun if impromptu pizzia party with some of my dad's family at a local pizzeria.  I think my favorite part of the day though had to be when at my mom's suggestion the game where it was required to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper the models became the 4 little girls at the shower.  It was cool in several ways.  The different pieces of my life were represented in the picture you see above. 

Chloe, the little girl on the far left is the daughter of one of my childhood friends (ok, I'll even confess one of my crushes in  grade school) next to her is Dustin's niece, Shae.  On the other side of me, my families are represented as Breanna, the little girl right next to me is my cousin's daughter on my mom's side (I'm never good with the first and second cousin thing, so feel free to figure that out yourself) and last, but not least is Mary, one of my younger cousins on my dad's side.  It was kind of neat when I realized that I'm kind of in the middle of these little brides that represent the pieces of my life coming together which happened at my shower.  Friends and family came together representing so many pieces of time and relationships that have led to this moment I'm preparing for.  Kind of a cool way to sum up an entire bridal shower in one picture isn't it?

Lessons Learned....

I love it when I have that sort of "Ah ha" moment.  The moment when some things that I didn't quite get fall into place.  A few weeks ago I was asked to lead worship at church while our associate pastor was away.  Today was the day that happened.  Now it might seem a bit strange that on a blog regarding my bride-to-be status and wedding that I rather randomly throw in this, but this has been a pretty amazing experience.  You see...  When I went to church to meet Dustin over a year and a half ago I had no idea the events that God was setting in place.  In some ways meeting Dustin was this entirely new beginning to my life.  There were things that happened and people that had become a huge part of my life prior to that, but somehow God used Dustin as this catalyst to take all of those moments that had happened over the course of my life and make them start to come together to make sense.  Somehow from the moment I stepped into a church for the sole purpose of meeting this friend of a friend my life changed.  In other posts I've mentioned the impact of that first message from the man that would become my pastor that day.  I've mentioned Kirby and Jaimy and just a few of the lessons God has taught me through them.  Today I find myself thinking about the impact that our associate pastor has had on me.  Jeremy was one of those people that when I first started going to Mooresville Church of God that because of the nature of his involvement in and surrounding the service I really didn't interact with a lot in that first month or so.  The interesting thing about my "big brother" Kirby is that you don't stay uninvolved when you adopt him as a brother and the church needs choir members for Easter....  Yes, I was volunteered...  A month and a half of attending church and I found myself in the choir for Easter.  That was how God brought Jeremy into my life in a totally different way.  Choir involvement led to filling in over the summer on the worship team which ended up turning into long term involvement in the worship team.  I think it's amazing how God brings people into your life at just the moment you need that relationship to develop so it's at the exact place it needs to be for a certain moment of time.  Somehow the last couple of weeks have made me realize exactly how much Jeremy has affected my life in this subtle way that I hadn't totally realized.  In tackling the challenge of leading worship something that in all honesty scared me to death at times and having come through it with the realization that it wasn't perfect, sure I could stand to build some confidence where leading is concerned, but with Jeremy's help, encouragement and faith in me and most definitely a large dose of God's intervention I did something that even a year ago I would never have been able to even think about taking on without having a full blown panic attack.  You see I love music.  I love to sing, play and listen.  I love the moments when music makes me feel close to God on some level.  I also have a tendency to fear failure.  To worry about the fact that I might hit a wrong note or mess up the word to a song and then (in my mind at least) that's the only thing anyone is going to remember.  I will have looked bad and failed.  Those are the fears I have struggled with.  In some way that I'm not sure I even understand completely God has used Jeremy in a nearly indiscernible way at times to teach me ways to deal with and turn those fears over to God.  Through Jeremy I've learned how to worship God in song.  I've truly learned that God doesn't want us to act like we're sucking sour pickles while singing Holy, Holy, Holy or How Great is Our God.  He wants us to experience his Spirit in our song.  Now believe it or not I truly do feel that these lessons I've learned from Jeremy do blend with the overall theme of my blog.  You see, these subtle lessons that God has been teaching me through Jeremy help me discover and learn more about who God wants me to be.  There is truly no way to describe the freedom I felt today after the church service was complete.  The best way I can describe it is that there was a sense of victory in being able to walk away and realize it wasn't perfect, I need some practice, but with God's help I did something that I never dreamed I could do.  I was able to give my fear and apprehension to God for him to show me exactly what He's capable of doing in my life if I will let him use me.  He will give me the courage to face the fears I have and in taking the first of many steps in learning that lesson it impacts my relationship with Dustin.  My life isn't divided into separate compartments.  What I do in one area impacts all of the areas of my life so when I can learn a lesson in worship from Jeremy, directly or indirectly it impacts my relationship with Dustin.  It's a pretty amazing thing when you think about it! 

And in the Middle of Planning a Wedding....

So it's been a while since I've posted, but it's been crazy!  Of course we've managed to get a lot of things accomplished and it feels like things are starting to come together and it feels like we have a solid direction.  It's kind of nice getting so many big things out of the way early on.  It's nice to get to relax in regards to the wedding arrangements.  I think God must realize once in a while that need a distraction in another area.  The last couple of weeks that has come in the form of God pushing me out of my comfort zone.  It's funny that for all of my intense focus on wedding planning when I was asked to undertake something new at church all of the sudden wedding planning took back seat to this new thing to undertake.  I'm not entirely sure what I'm suppose to get out of that change in events that shifted my focus.  I mean it hasn't entirely distracted me.  I still had this excitement like a little kid on Christmas morning when it came to opening the box my unity cross was in and of course Dustin and myself had to put it together right away to see what it looked like.  I've still taken an interest in cake testing, gathering information on flowers and the other little things that need to be handled, but maybe the piece I'm suppose to be learning right now is to not become overly obsessed with the details.  To not pour my entire energy into one thing, but to keep a healthy balance.  I'm still working on what the particular lesson is, but I'm sure I'll figure it out eventuatlly!

Fine or Fabulous.

This week has been very encouraging and productive!  My to do list is growing smaller and it begins to feel like things are under control.  The tuxes have been selected.  My wedding dress is ordered.  Gift registries are set up as is the wedding website.  Save the Dates were mailed today after we had our engagement photos taken.  The church is spoken for.  The reception venue reserved.  Invitations and RSVP cards are nearly ready for printing and my bridesmaids dress are all purchased.  I have shoes and the wedding bands are ordered.  Yes, I'm very happy with the way things are coming along.  It's very exciting to see God working things out in a way I never dreamed I would experience!  I'm not sure what exactly I thought wedding preparations would be like, but it wasn't anything like this.  I don't think I ever expected them to literally become an act of faith.  I had my way I wanted things to work, but they were all things I could control and make happen.   Last Saturday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast.  The thought I walked away unable to lose over the last week is this.  God didn't call us to "fine".  He called us to faith.  The idea being that a life that is fine can be explained by human reasoning.  A life of faith defies explanation,  It helped change my approach to this wedding.  All of the sudden I found that piece of me that could depend on God that what he has in store for my and Dustin's wedding is beyond explanation.  That it is far more than just fine.  It's fabulous!  It seems that after that moment I started to realize the little things that are falling together and find myself in awe every time we try to rework the budget!

To Inconvenience or Not Inconvenience....

You know, I'm not sure that I make a very good bride...  I tend to think maybe I might have been better suited to a ceremony in our pastor's office with two witnesses.  Don't get me wrong, I truly want that special day and that experience, but I often feel that I'm inconveniencing people with any plans I make or dreams I have of what I'd like my wedding to be like.  I really struggle with believing that it's suppose to be a day that is about me in any way shape or form.  In fact I think I've come to realize why I want and in many ways need Dustin so involved in every aspect of this wedding that he's willing to step into.  If it were for just me I'd probably give up on the idea of a wedding settle on whatever would work with as little inconvenience to as few people as possible and try to not think about what I was missing and what I really wanted.  So you might be wondering exactly how that translates into Dustin being involved in wedding plans.  You see in a way just as important as that vision of all things princess that little Lauren, my flower girl inspires, Dustin makes me believe that it's important for me to experience that moment.  Wedding plans, budgets and wedding stress pretty much seem more than I'd be able to take on if Dustin were a hands off groom.  If left to myself I'd be one of those brides that you hear horror stories about.  I'd be cooking and cleaning in my wedding dress because I couldn't think to inconvenience anyone by asking for help.  In fact asking for help has been one of my biggest challenges in this whole wedding process.  Not because I'm a control freak, but because I struggle with the feeling that people have to have more important things to do than mess with helping me.  Now granted up to this point most of what we are doing has of necessity been done by only the two of us, but I've realized that many of my panic moments stem to that feeling that comes from the habit I've developed after being on my own for so long of "just doing it myself".  I truly believe that God gave me the perfect man in the form of Dustin.  Not that he's perfect without fault, but he's perfect for me in that he pushes and encourages in ways that help me grow or become stronger.   He helps me realize that people genuinely do want to help.  That they consider it an honor to be intimately involved in such a special moment in our lives.  I'm truly hoping that God leaves us together for 50 or 60 years since I'm pretty sure it will take that long for me to get this particular lesson that he's using Dustin to teach me...

Struggles...

I had a revelation this week.  Actually I had several of them which kind of culminated yesterday.  I've been struggling horribly the last few weeks.  I've had this feeling of oppression that I really couldn't shake no matter how many "good" things seemed to be happening.  Honestly, it's a little hard to deal with in the middle of the moment you've spent nearly your entire life looking forward to.  Somehow as a young girl you think that the moment of planning your wedding is the moment that your life should be perfect, right?  I really don't think I'm alone in that feeling.  Oh maybe you expect the few minor skirmishes over guest lists, wedding party, dinner or no dinner, cake or cupcakes, but somehow I expected the challenges to be extremely minor.  Now before going on to the feelings of the last few weeks I feel the need to explain that nothing about my relationship with Dustin has really been normal.  In a lot of ways we've faced challenges as early as our first couple months of dating that when I look at them right now I don't know who exactly it was that handled them in the mature, understanding way I seem to have handled them considering we've made it to this moment of wedding planning since I'm pretty sure it's not the Tonya I've lived with the last 30+ years that made those choices and decisions that were the right ones to make for us.  I know her... She's the one who reads the end of the book if the beginning or middle gets too frustrating.  She's not the one who waits patiently because God tells her to...  I'm not sure who that changeling was...  I think maybe I fell into the trap of thinking that I'd arrived in some way and the insecurities and struggles of my past would just miraculously fall away.  Right!!  Think again!!  They just find a new way to present themselves...  Where to even begin...  I have a secret...  I'm a pretty good faker...  I'm not even sure how I manage it sometimes, but the mask that I mentioned several weeks ago is something I've become pretty good at utilizing when the need arises....  The last few weeks I've found myself pulling it out to hid my true feelings on certain things.  Now don't get me wrong...  I had a wonderful time with my Mom and aunt trying on wedding dresses, walking through JoAnn's with my Mom looking for inspiration for projects without a complete vision at the moment, but just like when I was younger scouring the shelves with mom searching for that one inspiring object, I'm by no means saying that those moments aren't special.  They are memories I know I will cherish when I think of my wedding (Ok, especially getting locked in JoAnn's at 9 pm on a Friday night with Mom because we decided to go shopping when  a severe thunderstorm was on it's way...lol).  I think the fact that those special moments seemed to be shortly followed by this heavy, depressive spirit that I couldn't shake no matter what I tried or how I prayed is what has made the last few weeks such a struggle.  There's something indescribably sad about experiencing this feeling in the middle of a period of time that should be the most special and joyous celebration in a girl's life.  It's funny though because even in the middle of all of the inner turmoil I've found myself begging God to show me the lesson I'm suppose to be learning so I can be happy at this moment in my life that will only happen once.  I've spent the last few weeks when people ask about how excited I am, what plans I'm making, what dress I'm getting, etc pulling out my mask with it's proper little wedding smile and "excitedly" telling about "my plans".  The truth... Inside I'm screaming if only you knew how I really feel....  There are some moments that my little flower girl with her vision of sparkly dresses and shoes is the only thing that pushes me to the next item on my list to be done.  You see, there's a reason I chose little Lauren as my flower girl...  In her uninhibited excitement for sparkly shoes and princess dresses I see the me I don't want to lose sight of.  I look at Lauren and see my favorite picture of myself at her age...  I've needed that a lot over the last couple of weeks.  I've needed that little face that walks up and very seriously starts to inform me what her sparkly dress and shoes will look like for my wedding and how her younger sister will need them also...  I really hadn't given much thought as to why having Lauren as my flower girl was so important to me, but this weekend I realized exactly why I need her...  Through Lauren I stay in touch with the "princess" focus of that special day.  There's a very sweet, adorable innocence (although I'm sure her parents would beg to differ...) in her belief that she is a princess and it's not really a matter for question or debate.  You see... I'm an adult...  I somehow fell into the trap of believing that when Paul says to "put away childish things"  it meant I had to grow out of my princess moment...  I had to forget about it and move on to the adult world of reality which is I will never be good enough, I'll never be as pretty as some other girl, that I'll always fall short and be lacking.  Sadly, I believed that enough that I find myself struggling with those insecurities and doubts that I'll ever be able to make the "right decision" (whatever that is suppose to be) and for some reason it becomes the lie I struggle with right now.  It's a lie that makes me live in fear.  Rather than being a confident princess, I find myself trying to become the model maid, who says yes sir and no ma'am exactly when I'm suppose to.   I had my moment on Saturday where I realized the fear that had begun to overtake me and what role exactly it was playing in removing the joy from this moment of my life.  It leaves me with a rather interesting perspective on the last few weeks.  I find myself with a greater appreciation for Joseph's insight when he told his brother's "you meant it for evil against me, but God meant it for good".  You see this oppression drove me not only to God in prayer, but it drew Dustin and I closer as we both tried to make sense of it, but even more importantly it became instrumental in bringing me closer to my pastor and his wife as I struggled to make sense out of the senseless.  Could God have chosen to take what has been at times a soul wrenching anguish away?  Of course he could have, but I do also realize that in his doing so I would have missed some very significant moments.  I choose to believe that because of where certain moments fell that were a positive experience such as the shared moment of discovering the perfect dress, the excitement over actually wearing my dream shoes, that those moments will be that much sweeter and stand out that much more when remembered later maybe even because of the sorrow that surrounded them.  Rather than one discovery in the middle of many they become little oasis's of happiness in the middle of struggle.  Moments of promise and little glimpses of a joyous future God has planned.  Whatever his bigger plan I truly do believe that as Paul says "all things work together for good".  I chose to believe that even in the moment of distress that at times seems unending that God does have a larger plan that I can't even begin to imagine.  

Lessons in Hope...

I find myself excited today!  There are some tasks that seem quite daunting and to be honest co-ordinating complimentary bridesmaids dresses with my maid of honor and bridesmaid in different countries was one of those things that had me a little worried.  Again I have to say that technology and David's Bridal made this a much easier task than I expected it to be.  It started out as a simple question on Friday morning to my maid of honor in Canada, "Do you have a black dress?"  What followed over the next afternoon was a fun experience in "shopping" with my maid of honor for dresses.  She would send me pictures and I could see how each different dress looked on her and how it would work with the overall vision I had for my wedding.  By the end of the afternoon we had settled on a dress that worked for her and as the store was kind enough to hold her size we were able to check with my other bridesmaid to ensure that it was something that would work for both.  By Saturday afternoon my maid of honor has her dress and this afternoon my bridesmaid had hers.  It leaves me feeling like things are beginning to come together.   My checklist of things I can mark off as finished is growing and it's exciting!  Bridesmaids dresses... Check.  Sample dress ready for initial fitting... Check.  Church reserved... Check.  Crinoline for dress ordered... Check.  Photographer reserved... Check.  Yep.  My done list is growing quite nicely.  Of course I'll admit that I'd really like it if that big piece of a venue for the reception would take care of itself, but as Dustin reminds me it's a problem to solve and we'll figure it out.  The little pieces that do fall together leave me with a sense of hope.  Hope that things really will come together after all.  Hope that as difficult as things seem at certain moments in this process that they will work together for good and result in beautiful memories.  The message this morning left me with three thoughts.  1) Hope is a choice 2) God allows the moments of despair to offer opportunities of surrender and 3) God gives us glimpses of his glory.    It leaves me with a few thoughts when you combine the message this morning with the accomplishments of the weekend.  God does not create the moment of my despair, but he does allow them.  He allows those moments that cause the tears because if I allow them I can learn as Job did to bless his name and be a testimony to the hope he offers by the lessons I learn in those moments, but then he provides the glimpses of his glory in the moments that present themselves in moments like this weekend where the dresses for two women in two different countries came seamlessly together as if the three of us walked into the store together to purchase them.  How I choose to view the entire picture is up to me, which pulls together the main thought I took away from church this morning.  Hope is a choice.  I can see the ease with which the dresses came together as coincidence or I can choose to see it as a sign of hope.  The hope that God can and will work those details out.  Will I get it right every time?  Maybe not, but each time I do makes me a little stronger in my faith and brings me a little bit closer to God.  And the reality is the journey even if it gets a little bumpy at times is an awesome experience!

Worth the Wait...

I've had some rather seemingly random thoughts today which were triggered by an article Dustin sent me.  I think it was initially sent due to the rather comical way I have a tendency to beg for "shopping trips" to the Keystone Mall when I'm feeling down purely because of the fact I can't afford to buy anything.  It's a rather crazy rational which Dustin didn't completely understand the first time I very "rationally" requested a trip to this particular mall for that exact reason.  The article that Dustin sent me today was about a woman about to be featured on the next season of Hoarders.  I found it a rather personal article in the openness with which she shared a small part of her journey from retail therapy that resulted in a house filled with items that she could never use, but a life that to anyone outside of her very small personal circle seemed very normal and functional, but one that in reality affected every aspect of her life and kept her relationships at a distance.  I suppose this is one of the things that really struck me.  You see, I related to this article on a personal level because that was me a few years ago.  I like the woman in the article got a certain high out of shopping.  It made me feel good for a little bit and then I had trouble getting rid of the items I purchased because with looking at them came the memory of a feeling I wanted to recapture.  There seemed to be a memory I could attach with nearly every item I had purchased.  I didn't really realize the complete picture of what I was doing at the moment and I can't really say that it was significant enough to those around me to cause undue concern, but none the less it was a problem.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but my moment of reality came as I was reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  Something as I read spoke to that desire for something that kept that feeling I was searching for a little longer than the brief moment of satisfaction.  That realization sparked a purging binge that lasted several months as I rather ruthlessly disposed of all of the "things" I had purchased in my search for that "high" that would make me forget the emptiness I felt at times.  It wasn't that I hadn't made a commitment to God or even that I wasn't trying to serve Him the best I could, but while I might not have been able to express it I was holding part of myself back from letting Him truly fill me the way I needed to be filled so that I wasn't continually re-experiencing those moments of emptiness.  At this point I'm sure you're wondering what exactly my rambling on this article really has to do with Dilemma's of a Bride-to-Be.  I think it's because I look at that period of my life as God getting me ready for Dustin.  The truth is I had a serious problem that if God hadn't stepped in and helped me to realize it I would have dragged our relationship and eventually even into our marriage.  It was a problem that expressed itself in the form of retail therapy and the need to own lots of stuff.  With the right motivation the buying habits might have changed, but I would have shifted my needs for fulfillment from the stuff to the man.  Of course then the shopping habits likely would have returned when the man couldn't fulfill the never ending need.  In the years following that purging binge I found myself.  I started to find the me that God intended for me to become.  In doing that I started to let God fill that part of me that nothing else could fill.  That made a world of difference in the challenges that come up in relationships.  Sometimes I get through them and find that I've handled them a way quite different than I know I would have before that moment of truth revealed in the self searching inspired by the classic work of C.S. Lewis.  Of course the plus is that after we discussed it after my first crazy request to go "window shopping" at Keystone Mall and what felt like my even more irrational explanation of why this trip was so important Dustin somehow understood.  He understood that while shopping is relaxing for me at times there are also times that those impulses still present a challenge so he humors my occasional need for controlled retail therapy and goes "dream shopping" with me in a safe environment.  It's one more way that demonstrates how God can give us so much more than we can even dream of asking for.  In my naive mind over the years I've wanted such surface things... A guy of my own so I was no longer alone and single, but instead of just any guy God gives me Dustin who lovingly puts up with my quirks and even finds ways to help me with the things I still struggle with on occasion.  It makes a wait that seemed so long during my 20's something I find myself very thankful took so long so that I could figure out a little better who I was going into a relationship and marriage.

Keep Calm and Get Married...

Today I had a rather fun moment...  It's sometimes easy to lose sight of the fun pieces that are suppose to come along with a wedding, but spending the day with my adopted nieces has a way of changing the adult approach to a wedding to helping me remember why my wedding was something I wanted and looked forward to planning.  The adult pieces that come up and scream to be dealt with drowned out the fantasy of the little girl.  The fun thing about a day spent with those nieces...  They are at that age that thoughts of a wedding bring the fun thoughts of patterns, dresses and colors to mind.  The thoughts of where the money comes from to pay for those things are light years away.  There's something in their enthusiasm and excitement.  In hearing their plans for their future weddings discussed in interesting detail that brought back the memories of my own enthusiastic thoughts of my future wedding through the years.  The memory of the blurry face that always faced me at the thought of my wedding that would be waiting for me at the end of my walk down the aisle.  Now that face isn't blurry anymore.  It's a familiar and loved face.  It's a face that rather than just some blurry tie to a moment I wanted more than anything to make it to it's a face that has shared some of my deepest fears and concerns.  It's a face that has looks that bring certain shared moments to mind.  There's a certain child-like approach I found myself able to enjoy today that I haven't had the chance to experience.  It was seeing my wedding through the eyes of two young girls that have no opinions, suggestions or seriously intended advice.  It was like having the chance to see my wedding through the eyes of a younger version of myself.  There was something about hearing the over the top suggestions of things I really "needed" to incorporate into my wedding, the things that Dustin "would like" if I added them that gave me a chance to laugh in a way I haven't necessarily felt able to yet.  It was a day that felt like it put me in touch with my younger self enough I purchased a reminder of the day.  In the Old Testament, there are numerous instances of God instructing his people to set up markers to remind them of the moments He did something for them so that in the future they could look at that and remember what He had done.  Today I did just that.  In finding that inner little girl again from my day spent with Della and Keera I found myself buying one of the items the girls pointed out as a necessity.  You see, they might not have realized it, but the funny little cheap button pin is a necessity.  I need that reminder it provides for the future.  I need the reminder of the day, but also as the pin reads, I need to remember to "Stay Calm and Get Married".  I'm thinking more "fun" days for those reminders will be in my future, but today was definitely a needed moment!

To Live....

The last few days have been interesting in the thoughts I've had.  Somehow a celebration of the life of a little 4 month old who has impacted so many people leaves you considering your own life and what's important.  Since God's timing is always perfect I don't think it's any coincidence that my moment of clarity came the day before I spent two days absorbing the impact of this little guys life on so many others.  Somehow that realization of what Logan's little life meant to so many people had me re-evaluating some things.  I found myself making the observation to Dustin that it left me with the realization that in relationships there are some moments you only have one opportunity to be there for someone.  If you miss that moment you never get it back.  I found myself going to a celebration of life on Tuesday for that exact reason and was so glad that I had found a way to take the time to be part of that moment.  There was something about being part of that moment as my friends Chris and Amanda told their little son good-bye in their own special ways that made me realize that there are so many possible continuing chapters to Logan's story.  This is not a story that ends with that moment on Tuesday...  Chris and Amanda have their chapter to continue, but there's a chapter in my life titled Logan as well and my story builds from the moment this little baby entered the world to the moment God took him home and the unique lessons that I learned from this special little family that God put together adds a chapter to my life that will forever include little Logan Christopher Thorne.  I might have never had the chance to meet him, but none the less he became part of my life and story.   I find myself with a new appreciation for the lyrics of a song I've grown fond of in the last few months as Logan gives them new meaning

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
"And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
"To live like you were dyin'."

I suppose in a way Logan makes me realize that life is short.  As Proverbs 27:1 points out we don't know what a day brings, when we begin to take life for granted we act as if nothing will change.  I think this tiny little boy and his parents really make me realize the importance of making those moments count.  It leaves me with a feeling of purpose.  A need to treat each moment as if it's precious.  To approach my relationships with more purpose.  To live life with a little more abandon and truly learn to live as if each day could be my last....

Be Still........

So Dustin made the observation yesterday that we had now been engaged a month.  It's hard to believe!!  I'm not sure if it was the feeling that I had very little done or what exactly it was, but I found myself feeling off a little after that observation.  Not that I don't love being engaged, but there was something that threw me off at realizing we had been engaged for a month.  I'm still not completely for sure what exactly it was that had me feeling off by that observation.  I tend to suspect that it was a combination of the rather lengthy to do list of non-wedding related things in addition to the little things that were wedding related that it seemed were being asked on a regular basis that added to a feeling of stress that even Dustin in his constant support and assurance we'd work through it together and figure it out couldn't quite remove.  There's just something that being asked the same question multiple times that merely adds to my anxiety level.  It really doesn't matter if the question is being asked by four different people over the period of a week it's the repeating the same answer that is no answer that gets to you.  Kind of makes you feel like you're failing the test that you didn't know was coming.  Some really awesome things happened this weekend though...  Nearly everything on the lengthy to do list was completed.  With Dustin's help they all fell into place and I end up with this sense of accomplishment!  The other thing is I found out a lot of things are coming along better than I realized.  The initial steps of my dress have been started and with any luck the initial sample will be done sooner than expected!  I had the opportunity to look at one possible location for a reception venue.  Even better I had that comforting offer of help when a chance conversation at church provided me with a resource for information on another possible venue.  That conversation as brief as it might have been turned the tide on the overwhelmed feeling I had been experiencing.  That moment and the relief and feeling of friendship it brought with it allowed me to finally feel a sense of hope that things would come together after all and allowed me to realize the pieces that had started.  Thanks to my little flower girl I find myself excited at the thought of "looking for sparkly dress and shoes" so she looks like a princess.  As the message this morning instructed thanks once more to Sarah I found myself able in some way to be still and really see what God was doing around me and to realize that just as with Dustin and I meeting, dating and becoming engaged He's working those details and timing out.  I just need to slow down and be still and absorb it...

The Inspiration....

I've had some loving, concerned inquiries due to the nature of some of my posts that have me thinking I probably should use a post to clarify some things so my caring friends and family and concerned strangers don't think I'm in a constant state of depression!  I suppose to truly explain where the inspiration for this blog originates I have to go back to the month of January 2011.  You see the blog itself might not have started that day, but the events that make it possible for some of my rather candid posts were put into motion.  Interestingly enough there were four people responsible for those events that began in January and not one of them happened to be Dustin.  The first person to set the wheel in motion was my big brother Kirby (no to those of you related to me Mom and Dad do not have some hidden child you never knew about, Kirby is one of those friends that turns into family, in this case my "adopted" big brother).  You see, Kirby texted me one Sunday morning wanting me to come to church to meet Dustin.  Now as I believe I've stated in a previous post Kirby was and still is not a matchmaker so when Kirby wants me to meet a guy and wanted me to come to church to do so I kind of took it from the start as a sign from God as something I was probably suppose to do.  So thanks to Kirby I go to church at Mooresville Church of God, where I hear for the first time the man who would become my pastor, John Crump.  Enter the second influence in the chain of events...  There was something about John's message that morning that spoke to something deep inside me.  The desire that I had kept pushing down thinking it would take more than I could ever hope to give, but a desire that had started as a teenager to live this life that included God in every aspect of it.  John spoke to that and made me leave with the encouraged thought that just maybe that dream wasn't a pipe dream, but a dream that God wanted to make a reality!  I left the church that day thinking Dustin (who I had originally come to meet) was nice and really cute, but John had captivated me!  I wanted to know more.  I kind of think I know how the crowds that followed Jesus, Peter and Paul around must have felt as I cyber-stalked John through the church website listening to every message he had given over the course of a year completely fascinated by one sermon in particular that I listened to so many times I could nearly quote it!  Oh, and I listened to them in a 2 week period.  I couldn't get enough of the vision that he presented that spoke to that deep seated need inside of me to have a purpose.  But not just any purpose, I wanted my life to impact others.  I wanted God to be able to use me in a way that would draw others closer to him.  During the two week period that I was cyber-stalking John, the two other people who were instrumental to the events of that month were busy filling the role God had placed them in my life to complete.  I've mentioned Bob and Michelle in previous posts, but during this period both of them, but especially Bob were sounding boards as for the first time in my life I questioned the really hard things in my life.  As I struggled with answers to questions that were some of the toughest I'd ever had to ask myself Bob was there sharing his story when needed, offering scriptures when called for and giving me impromptu sermons on occasion.  Bob and Michelle as a couple gave me a variety of views and shared experience in the challenges they had faced.  The combination of these four influences had me reaching one huge realization.  I was 30 years old and I had lived most of my life switching out various masks.  I was 30 years old and there truly was not one person on earth who knew the real me.  Everyone knew the version of me that I felt was the safest to let them see.  In one way they were all parts of me. but I had my church mask, my work mask and my social mask.  If people blended from the different areas of my life they would notice the difference and deep down inside I always knew that which was why I had tried for so long to keep the various pieces of my life from mixing.  John had awakened that desire in me to let others see God through me, but with it there came a realization...  If people were going to see God through me then the mask had to come off.  To be honest I'll forever be grateful for these four people in my life as because of their influence I entered into friendship with Dustin without the masks of my various lives.  So now fast forward to July of 2012...  Dustin proposes and I realize something...  God was challenging my commitment to openness.  As I've struggled with the different pieces that come from that relationship change and realize the lessons He's teaching me I find myself thinking that maybe this is the first step.  Being open means making yourself vulnerable, sharing the parts of your story that taught you the most (as Bob did for me). No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.  (Luke 11:33 NIV)  If as I've said in various posts, I truly believe that not only marriage, but the engagement period is designed to bring Dustin and I closer to God and one another.  And if we are to be God's light to the world, it stands to reason to me that the lessons God has for me in wedding planning, working through the various challenges of our relationship and the personal struggles that I have are part of how God plans for me to be his light.  I don't really expect to get it right every time, but do any of us really love a perfect hero or heroine?  Don't we adore Mr Darcy because of his pride and love Lizzy Bennett because of her prejudice?  Is it not Aaragorn's lack of belief that he can be king that makes us follow his part of the journey hoping that he'll realize his true potential?  Personally of the disciples, Peter is my favorite because of the fact he is a flawed man that God is able to use greatly!  So my blog was born because I felt God challenging me to share the journey that Dustin and I are taking and what I'm learning in my struggles and joys.  Will some moments sound depressing?  Very likely because some lessons just aren't fun to have to learn.  But reality is that there is no one that makes it through life without disappointment, hurt and even agony at some point, but if we're honest in those struggles God can use us to be a blessing to someone else or even use someone else to bless us when we need it...

The Silver Lining....

I feel like I've started to see the silver lining after Friday's down moment.  I hate it when I feel like I lose my weekend because I have to spend a part of it sorting through moments like Friday.  Those moments that make me feel like I'm lost, not important and alone, they're frustrating.  I suppose the thing I know that is being reinforced at times like that my problems and issues don't go away because I have a ring on my finger.  In fact in some ways they become bigger as I'm sorting through not just how they affect me.  I'm learning that how I respond to them and deal with them affects Dustin as well.  The being engaged piece changes things in some ways in that it has me wondering at times if I can really handle the intricacies of the relationship.  Do I really have what it takes to make this work?  The reality is that no, I can't make this work.  I can't become this perfect paragon of virtue we like to refer to as the Proverbs 31 woman who never seems to second guess her choices, never appears to become irritated with the man in her life or have a short temper with her children.  The moments that make me despair of ever successfully navigating the world of male-female relationships are impossible for me to handle on my own.  When I try to handle it on my own I end up stressing myself out.  Now the ultra-spiritual minded person is likely reading this thinking, yes, she realizes it, finally!  She needs God to get her through this.  Well, that might be, but not exactly what I'm thinking.  Sure I need God, but in reality he's already given me exactly what I need to handle the situation.  He gave me Dustin....   I just have to learn how to use him in those moments.  It's really easy for me to get irritated at the moments I'm stressed by all of the other things going on in my life and to try to take it out on the solution that God already has in place.  Saturday was a learning moment for me when I realized as we talked out the things I was struggling with that Dustin had some very good insight and solutions to handling some of those things that were a problem.  He was able to provide a listening ear to the ones that he could not "fix", but having him listen made a world of difference because it felt like I mattered.  A song that's currently a favorite of mine is God Gave Me You. The words express exactly why I think God sent Dustin into my life.

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

Today more than ever I feel that is exactly what God did when he sent Dustin into my life.  I've often said that seeing myself through Dustin's eyes changes how I see myself.  I'm realizing it also changes how I see the circumstances I'm in.  Again am I putting Dustin on some pedestal with the expectation that he'll never disappoint me?  By no means!  I fully expect to be frustrated by him multiple times over the next 50 or 60 years, but the truth....  I do believe that God gave me Dustin for those moments when I feel like I did Friday.  Those up and down moments are going to come.  They come with or without Dustin.  But I can't help but think of Ecclesiastes 4:10 (NIV)... If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.  God gave Dustin and I one another for that exact purpose.  To strengthen one another's weaknesses and to build up one another's strengths.  Seeing myself through Dustin's eyes makes me believe things I thought were hopeless or unrealistic dreams are possible.  My silver lining to Friday.... It was the moments when I could finally voice my struggles that brought us just a little closer together.  That made us understand some quirks about one another a little differently.  That's my silver lining.... It's the realization that Dustin thinks I can do this so because he has that faith in me, I find myself believing I can....

Lost....

I find myself struggling today.  In fact I find myself a little hesitant as I write this, but at the same time I don't think I'm probably alone in this particular struggle.  Today I struggle with the feeling that you could take me away from any given relationship in my life right now and they all go on.  They don't really miss me.  Today I feel like just a body that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  I feel like life goes on for everyone else if you take me out of the equation and no one ever gives a second thought to the fact I'm not there.  I feel incredibly dispensable today.  It's not really a feeling of depression.  At least not the hopeless kind that I've experienced before.  It's more like I have this aching need to feel like I matter somewhere.  There's an old song that comes to mind with the lyrics that express that need, "Do they miss me at home do they miss me, t'would be an assurance so dear.  To know that this moment some loved one, is saying I wish he were here."  At work I leave the day feeling my sole purpose is merely to be productive.  Not to touch lives, but to do as much work as I can humanly be pushed to handle.  And when work starts to interfere with my personal life it feels like it really doesn't matter to anyone.  I end the day with this ache inside and even tears that mere words don't really seem to impact I just feel empty for some reason.  Part of me suspects that work has taken everything from me today.  I mean I had a very enjoyable evening with Dustin and some of his friends and somewhere inside I feel like that should make a difference, but I'm still left with that feeling of isolation even though I've been with people all day.  Sometimes I think it's the coming home to an empty apartment and spending whatever time I have that I'm awake there by myself.  I really am not quite for sure why that affects me the way it does anymore.  Maybe in the vein of some of my previous thoughts that if marriage is suppose to draw us closer to God and if as I suspect that the engagement period is part of that process maybe God's trying to show me what it feels like when I pull away from him....  What He feels like when I partition him off in a certain area of my life.  Now don't get me wrong Dustin has tried very hard today to make me feel cared about and to show me that I matter.  And I believe it when he's right beside me, but when he's somewhere else... Then I struggle with that feeling of isolation...  Well, that and the headache that came from a crying jag that started at Carmel and didn't end until I hit Mooresville.  It feels like an extremely long day and even longer night stretching in front of me....  I do believe that somewhere there is some silver lining, some bright spot, but the truth... I'm not seeing it right now, I just feel pulled down and sad.  A little lost and very alone and really wishing I could get the bigger picture to why I have to feel like this right now.

Grace...

Ughhh... Sometimes I frustrate myself beyond all measure!  My week in general has been a challenge, but tonight was the last straw!  I found myself mad at Dustin.  Madder than I think I have ever been knowing all the while there was no really good reason for it.  I suppose a large portion of my attitude began by the fact that when I settled down enough to think rationally I realized that pretty much my entire life this week has consisted of work and my apartment.  I think unknowingly I'd been living for this evening.  Unconsciously I had made it my goal.  If I could make it to that moment on Friday night I was good.  I would have time to relax and just enjoy Dustin's company for the evening.  Well, the unexpected last minute change of plans that I feel necessary to point out I suggested should probably take place for some reason sounded like a really good idea until an hour and a half later when I was sitting in my apartment going out of my mind because I was alone yet again.  Now I must admit I find it rather curious that I've been at home alone by myself for nearly every evening for close to 10 years now.  So it really makes no sense as to why over the course of the last year or so I have found myself increasingly distressed when I find myself alone.  I think possibly that the periods of extended alone time serve to remind me of a time in my life I struggled with depression and didn't even completely realize it.  It reminds me of a period that felt very hopeless at times.  My adorable little Winston filled the emptiness and loneliness some, but there were so many nights that I found myself sitting alone waiting for the evening to finish so it could repeat itself the next day.  I think that's what I struggled with reacting to today.  I'm engaged now.  No we don't live together, but somehow I think I thought I wasn't suppose to be alone.  The other thing I find interesting is that this consuming anger that had me slamming car doors (something I NEVER do) comes just over 24 hours after walking in and being surprised by flowers, a clean house and a dog that was already taken care of for the night.  The distressing thing was that in the moment I couldn't even figure out what exactly I needed to take to God.  All I knew was I was angry!  I swear there are sometimes I really do wonder exactly what Dustin sees in me that makes him want to marry me because times like tonight I just feel exceptionally ugly.  I don't like the way anger makes me feel and even less the way it makes me act.  Tonight my struggle was with the desire to lash out with every single thing I knew that would hurt him.  I was hurting and if I couldn't have company to help me forget part of me seemed to want company in the pain itself.  Somehow God must have heard the cry for help hidden somewhere in the anger because gradually I started to settle down.  I have discovered one thing since Dustin and I began dating.  When he starts to try to figure out what's bothering me no matter how angry I want to stay at him I can never fully manage it.  There's something about the effort that goes into searching for those answers of what is bothering me that won't let me stay angry and distant.  Maybe it's the prayer and thanksgiving that goes into the good times or the down times that I can manage to beg for help that causes God to help out during the times I can't bring myself to ask for it aloud.  Or maybe it's just grace.  His grace that I don't screw the relationship up completely.  Grace that God gives Dustin to love me even when I feel pretty unlovable.  It kind of brings to life Jeremiah 29:13...You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Israel angers God, but when they seek him and look for him earnestly he doesn't stay angry.  He doesn't punish them for what they have done in the past.  It stays right there in the past.  He allows himself to be found.  Now I am by no means comparing myself to God, but if our intimate relationships are suppose to be things that draw us closer to God maybe the moments like this are designed to show me a side of God I've overlooked before.  Yes, He's both a God of Love and Judgement equally, but the Judgement is brought about by our wrong doing, (the truth one simple text would have changed my reaction to the circumstances), but the Love allows Him to be found when we seek him out of love (despite the irritation and the anger the love and caring in sorting out the misunderstanding and showing me I mattered to him made it impossible to stay angry).  So I find myself walking away from a couple of very trying and emotional hours with a greater understanding and appreciation of what it feels like to God when we are actively seeking him out of love and trying to maintain that closer relationship with him.  If he feels anything like I feel at the moment it makes me ashamed that there are times I don't seek after him deliberately, lovingly and constantly...

The Blessing called Wait....

Today is a day that made me once again thankful that I listened to God's quick response to my initial desire for a quick end to the chapter of our story titled engagement.  Tonight was a blessing as God showed me that he's put together a support system for me that's amazing!  At times there are moments when I can become terrified that I'm largely responsible for a wedding.... A wedding!!!  That the ideas I have are too much.  Moments that I feel the fact that rather than being in my hometown where I know what is available, I'm in this unknown little town where I can't exactly call my mom for advice on where to get this or who is a good person to ask for this.  Moments like that I feel lost....  Not exactly for sure what to do.  I feel like Alice asking the Cheshire cat which way to go.  God showed me something tonight though....  As I mentioned before sometimes I struggle with how long some things can take Dustin to sort through, but tonight showed me that the fact we took a while to start dating and the fact we dated so long were part of God's timing in setting up the support system I would need at just this time.  There's an awesome talent my Mom has.  She always seems to know the odd little things in my hometown.  Where to go for the best deals on nearly anything you can think of, where you can find space to have nearly any kind of party cheaply.  Thinking of the magnitude of planning a wedding I feel a little overwhelmed at times at the thought that my Mom can't answer all of those questions for me this time around.  Now don't get me wrong, my mother would be here in a heartbeat to help, support, plan, make decorations, but there's a lot of effort that goes into planning those things from a distance and one thing that I want to enjoy during this time are the memories and special moments rather than everything always being a rush to a final date.  Tonight God showed me something really awesome!  He gave me a glimpse of the people he's surrounded me with that have the exact unique talents and contacts I need to make getting the information easier and getting the projects done gradually rather than rushing at top speed.  I start to see where he has sent other people down paths and then into my life for just this moment.  He's provided all the resources so that rather than rushing around like crazy when my mom comes to help with those projects and preparations it can go at a slower more enjoyable speed thanks to the awesome friends and future family he has sent into my life.  I find myself feeling very blessed right now! 

A Celebratory Moment...

It's official!!!!  I have purchased my first item in a long list of purchases to be made for the wedding!!  It now begins to feel like a reality and I felt the need to share.  And no before someone asks we still have not settled on a date...  But when I thought about it I decided there were things that needed purchased whether a wedding happens in 7 months or in 15 months so I decided that I would proceed with my purchase.  And I'm sure you are dying of curiosity to know what this momentous purchase was....  Well, anyone who's known me for very long will find it extremely humorous.  My grand first purchase for my wedding was... a book.  Yes, it was a book, not just any book however... It was The Two Towers from the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Yes, the book does have a purpose and a significance.  You see Lord of the Rings holds special meaning for Dustin and myself.  We've had many conversations that always seem to find their way around to this particular part of the trilogy so when I was inspired to break tradition and use heart cutouts from a book in lieu of actual rose petals, after some thought this book became the obvious choice to me.  As a story that holds special meaning to both of us there was no question of incorporating it into our special day that is the culmination of so many conversations that centered around the characters represented in its pages.  In some ways the characters that Tolkien developed have come to symbolize parts of the journey Dustin and I took which led us to each other.  There were battles to fight not unlike those described in the journey of Frodo and his friends.  There were challenges to overcome so including a piece of this epic journey in a piece of our journey into married life seems very fitting.  I'm finding it is a joy to be able to take time to think about all of the pieces that will make up our special day no matter when it is.  It's fascinating when one idea leads to another which results in a day that represents not a princess moment for me as I always thought I wanted, but a day that represents every piece of the individual stories that brought us together to place where our stories merge into one.  Things that hold meaning for both of us and a day that rather than focusing on the bride I hope to focus on in a rather fitting way a fellowship (our guests) brought together by a ring (the diamond that started us on this path to that day).  As in Tolkien's classic tale there are many people that have made it possible for us to make it to that day when it happens so in truth they are as much a part of the story as are we...  And so I share a joyous moment with my friends here!  A mark in the journey that rather than a moment of tears is a moment of celebration as the preparations for the celebration begin!!!