Love....

Early on in my relationship with Dustin I read a book titled Sacred Marriage.  The premise of the book is the idea of what if God designed marriage to make us more holy than happy.  I found it an interesting concept and after reading it decided to try to implement it in my approach to my relationship with Dustin.  It was a totally foreign concept when compared to the way I had at one time devoured fairy tales and romance novels in an attempt to find the "meaning of true love".  I will say that I believe reading that book was one of the best things I could have done for our relationship.  It made me take a more balanced approach to dating with the goal of marriage.  It made me plan more long term and not focus so much on the instant gratification of the moment or on what I felt at the moment.  I find in many ways it has made a huge difference in me.  It's easy to fall into the trap sometimes of thinking I've waited 32 years for this. I deserve ____ (insert what I'm wanting from Dustin at the moment).  However when you start to focus on marriage or the relationship being about what God is using this other person that you have joined or are getting ready to join your life with to teach you it somehow changes things.  There's part of me at times that wonders exactly what it looks like after marriage because it already feels like I'm learning so many things about myself, but then God throws in the twister of letting me understand more about him through some things that happen with Dustin.  This weekend was a case in point.  I've developed a tendency over my life of holding things inside, through counseling I've learned to process through them, but I find that there are times when I still pull into myself to do that processing.  I'm not completely for sure why I've developed that rather interesting coping mechanism, but Dustin and I both are learning about that particular quirk of mine and how best to deal with it.  I learned something very interesting through it this weekend though.  I have to say that Dustin is good about letting me work through whatever it is I'm dealing with and supporting me as I do it even if it means I'm not quite ready to talk it out yet.  This weekend as I waded through the mess of emotions surrounding me the pulling into myself had a different effect than it's had in the past.  I found myself feeling incredibly lonely.  Here I was even with Dustin present during parts of it, but feeling isolated.  In the middle of it all I did find myself asking God exactly what it was I was suppose be learning in this.  It's taken me a couple of days, but I find myself looking back over the experience feeling that with the combined experience of Dustin and myself I have a visual of how it really should feel to us when we are experiencing distance and separation from God.  Now I by no means am implying that Dustin and I are some super spiritual couple, but this weekend was an amazing experience even in the middle of the sadness and loneliness that I was experiencing.  I mean the reality is that I knew all along that Dustin was there wanting to help me, wanting to offer his support and love, but for a period for whatever reason that I really don't understand even now I couldn't let him.  I'm not sure if I thought I had to get the answer myself or maybe it was I felt I couldn't bother him with something so trivial, but the truth...  He wanted me to bother him.  He wanted to be there for me even if he couldn't fix it he wanted to experience it with me.  It makes me see a little differently the idea of how it looks when we act like God doesn't need to be bothered with things from us.  It's like having a comparison of what it's like when we pull away from God to try to deal with things on our own.  He's sitting there waiting patiently, asking us occasionally are you ready to let me help yet (yes, Dustin asked multiple times if I was ready to tell him what the problem was).  There was something this time in seeing the look on Dustin's face each time I couldn't bring myself to share what it was that was bothering me when he asked that has me right now as I write this crying for a couple of reasons.  I realize in a relationship perspective that it hurt Dustin in a way each time I couldn't bring myself to share, but even more is the thought that the look I could see on Dustin's face is nothing compared to the agony it causes God when I try to push through every day life without him.  The moments when I push him away like a 4 year old saying "No!  I can do it myself!"  The interesting thing I found out after I finally was able to open up and start to process with Dustin rather than internalizing everything was the view that Dustin's perspective adds to complete the pictures.  His very simple response that made me pause was that he didn't like the feeling of separation and distance.  It sounds so simple, but it's so profound!  That's exactly how God feels when we push him away and don't allow him to be a part of our every day existence!  I know that the love that Dustin and I share is nothing compared to the love that God has for each and every one of us individually so if this is how Dustin and I experience this one moment in time how much more does God experience that distance and separation on such a large scale?  And He still doesn't leave us on our own!  It's pretty incredible!  I still feel like I've only scratched the surface on the magnitude of the realization from this weekend, but even that little tiny piece that has me understanding God just a little differently makes me so grateful that He has given me Dustin to learn these lessons a little better!