The Journey Nears It's End.....

It's hard to believe that my wedding is just 5 days away.  I find myself thinking about the journey it has been to get to this moment.  It really hasn't been quite the journey I expected when I started.  Somehow I think even despite all of the lessons I've spent the last 5 years learning there was still a part of me that kind of fell into the trap of thinking that getting married suddenly transported me to some fairy tale world as I planned this mystical moment I'd been waiting for.  I'm not sure why exactly, but for me planning a wedding hasn't really been this awesome, wonderful experience of feeling like a princess.  My experience with wedding preparations has been more a journey of self discovery on a new level.  It's been growing closer with Dustin as we tackle so many difficult moments, decisions and choices.  To be honest, I'm glad it's coming to a close.  I'm ready to be done with this part of my life and to move on to the next chapter.  Don't get me wrong at this point I wouldn't really change what has happened over the last 7 months.  I've grown in so many ways from it, but at the same time I don't know that I would have taken this route to get to the altar had I realized exactly what it entailed in July...  Maybe that's why God leaves our future so unclear to our present view.  If we were given the opportunity to see exactly what even the immediate future held I think it would be a little overwhelming.  I think one passage that has become very real to me through all of this is 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I like the way The Message words it as it really expresses well what I've spent the past 7 months learning first hand

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.


To me this has meant that God didn't throw at me month 1 of the chapter of my life called engagement what I wasn't ready to handle until month 7.  It's been this gradual journey of him molding me and making me into a different person.  In looking back over the moments I've set on the floor crying because I couldn't stand I realize that God wasn't pushing me past what I could handle.  He was taking me right up to the moment he was going to use to change me into yet another way that forms the bigger picture of what he has in store for me.  Looking at month 1 or even 3 of this engagement if I had been told God would be asking me to give up the job that was suppose to help pay for this wedding and sit unemployed for 6 weeks as part of that next step I think I would have run the other direction, but he didn't.  Instead he tested not only my faith, but Dustin's as well in leading our wedding in a direction that was beyond what we could manage in our own strength and finances and then proceeded to provide for even more than we dreamed would be possible.  It's funny, but through this I've learned to appreciate the little things.  The unexpected things that come along.  Saving $10 here or $20 there whether its on wedding supplies or groceries has an entirely new meaning now that I've realized those things I took for granted before are actually little ways God chooses to bless the decisions we make in other areas of our lives.  I've learned that he sends people into our lives with special skill sets that in and of themselves are blessings.  For some it's talking me through a crisis moment, for others its the ability to give me a beautiful hairstyle for that special moment and for others its skills in organizing so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out every moment of my wedding day.  All of that said if you ask me at any given moment my answer to any question related to my wedding will be I'm so ready to have this over with.  For me it's been this roller coaster that I'm more than ready to get off so the fact that the ride ends this weekend is so alright with me!  Of course I realize that what follows is adjustment and learning to live and function together as a couple in a way we haven't experienced yet, but I'm ready for that chapter to start.  It's funny as different well meaning friends have told me that all of this stress of the last months and the hard moments won't matter at some point or I won't really remember anything surrounding that moment later I have tried to listen and believe in that, but I think that deep down inside I know myself and I know that it's important for this day to express the story that Dustin and I share because I believe I will remember much of that day.  I really don't consider myself someone that has a photographic memory or at least it hasn't served me well in the area of study and school, but I remember important moments.  I remember the life changing moments like they were yesterday so I think more than anything it's important for me that our wedding express our story and that it's about us and I do have to say I think from the prelude music to the recessional to the reception our wedding will do just that for which I wouldn't trade even one painful moment of the last 7 months.  You see just like the pieces of our unconventional dating period the moments that make up the last 7 months have forever changed me and have laid the foundation of the relationship that we build on after we say our vows.

24 Days....

24 Days!!!  I'm so glad to be in the home stretch of this wedding planning thing!  It's been an amazing journey, but I'm very glad this chapter of my life titled engagement is coming to a close!  Honestly, even though there have been and still are moments I wonder what the heck I was doing thinking I wanted a wedding I have to say that  I truly am glad we decided to.  That said now that I'm one bridal shower, one girls craft day, one order of flowers, one dress fitting and a rehersal away from the actual day I will be SOOOO glad when it's over!  I have a life to get on with and being married with a wedding out of the way will be simpler!  That said I know that marriage will bring it's own set of challenges, but it's a step forward.  Planning a wedding is time consuming no matter how simple you might try to keep it!  Anyway, 24 days and the insanity ends!  And the adventure begins!!!

Coming Together....

This week has been exciting in that I've managed to get some of those little yet big things done!  My dress is in for alterations and FINALLY I'm starting to feel like its real!  After months of planning we're down to 5 weeks!  Honestly, I will be so glad when it's over!  I have a life to get on with... lol.  I do have to admit though that putting the dress on again after months of staring at it hanging there feels it starts to feel real.  Of course then I was able to figure out what to do with my hair.  I think its going to look beautiful!  Next week things start to kick in gear too since my mom is coming to help pull some of the decoration pieces.  I'm excited to see how it will all turn out!  I think the fact that arrangements for the honeymoon are underway helps.  It starts to seem real and like things are falling in place.  So maybe next time I post it will be a few pictures of next weeks projects!!

Exciting moments....

Today has been a super exciting day for a variety of reasons.  A few weeks ago I posted about my unemployed status.  Today I get to share some exciting news about that.  I am once again numbered among the employed!  I have accepted a position with our church to come on staff as an interim worship coordinator which is hugely different and exciting for me!  It's definitely a different direction from nursing, but one that I've been hugely fortunate in having Dustin's support in taking.  It's so funny when I stop and think back to the nearly 2 years ago that I first entered Mooresville Church of God to meet Dustin.  I don't think I ever would have imagined that one decision would have completely changed my life.  When I think that a few short months before meeting Dustin my sole goal was finding a guy and getting married it seems like I was aiming so low.  I'll never forget the October evening at Capital City Baptist Church when I finally came to a place I could hand my obsessive dream of marriage over to God.  I'm not really sure I completely understand exactly why for me God needed that specific dream handed over to him before he could bring Dustin into my life, but I do realize that it was one moment of growth that was only the first of many.  Somehow in handing that dream over to God I handed the biggest thing in my life over to God that was holding me back from becoming the person He wanted me to become.  Today in church as somehow the realization hit me exactly how much God had changed me over two years I realized that God had actually been setting this chain of events that would lead to this exact moment into my life in place years before I understood what he was doing.  He sent Kirby into my life years before I would ever take the first step through the door of the church, He sent Kirby into Dustin's life months before Dustin and I would meet.  All of the little moments such as being "volunteered" by Kirby for the first Easter choir I took part in, being stirred by the vision of the pastor I now find myself calling "boss".  Down to the timing of God asking if I was willing to join him in an unknown future that involved quiting a job with no obvious answer for what comes next to the position I find myself now accepting with excitement.  Even more so is the blessing of Dustin.  In Dustin, He's given me someone who doesn't just support me, but encourages and pushes me when I don't see something in myself that he sees in me.  If it's telling me he sees that I show ability in an area or if it's encouraging me to pursue a dream whether it's leading worship, writing a skit or thinking maybe I could make my Mary Kay discount into a profitable business, in Dustin God has given me a cheerleader when I need it and a moment of truth when necessary.  I never dreamed that day in January 2010 that I was walking through the door that would change my life forever!  I'm so glad I walked through that particular door!

Snow Day....

So today leaves me wondering how smart it was to plan a wedding in the winter in Indiana... When people start using the word blizzard a mere 8 weeks before your wedding you can't help, but ask yourself what you were thinking! Needless to say the weather prevented my day after Christmas shopping that I hoped to accomplish, but tomorrow is another day and that day will hopefully result in a dress for the flower girl. Now the plus side to the snow day is that I ended up getting the ring bearers bible together and the flower girls basket. So the day might not have resulted in the exact to do list being accomplished I had hoped for, but it was productive in its own way!

Finally....

Finally!!!!  I've made it past the 2 month mark. I've even made it past the 60 day mark.  Invitations are out and RSVP's have started to trickle in (or race in the instance of a few people trying to make theirs the first to be returned lol).  Rather than broad goals we're down to details such as order of service, do we have readings or do we forgo them?  After what seems like forever things are down to the last weeks.    I'm left with dress fittings rather than dress shopping.  When I look over the months since July I find I've changed so much!  I feel like I've grown from the experience.  Wedding planning the way Dustin and I chose to do it has brought us closer together.  We've learned a lot about each other and have grown individually and together as a couple.  I do have to say its a nice thing to be at a place where I actually get to enjoy the holidays.  No wedding stuff for me until next week and it's a wonderful feeling!  Well, I might have to look into that reading bit in my spare time to see if there is anything that catches my fancy, but no hard core planning until after Christmas!

And Still More Lessons in Faith....

I'm pretty sure God's trying to use the period around my wedding to test my faith and patience in every possible way...  It's been a while since I've posted and quite honestly it has been because I've been struggling with and making some of the hardest decisions I could possibly make.  I thought dating, having a relationship and getting engaged were big enough, but God seems to be determined to do things in big style for me right now since in addition to all of that I've had other changes going on as well.  I've officially joined the ranks of the unemployed.  Now interestingly enough it was by my own choice, but it was a choice I did not make easily.  I've mentioned in various posts about different parts of my life that have lead me to the moment of meeting Dustin and the events that followed, but tonight I find myself thinking about a request I made of God not long after my first visit to Mooresville Church of God.  I asked him to use me however he wanted.,  In the hours I spent sitting on my bed one night crying and struggling with what I was sure was the hardest decision I would ever make to leave a church and a church family I loved dearly to go to a church where I knew the grand total of one person and wasn't sure exactly where or how I would ever fit in or be accepted.  As I struggled with that thought I came to the point of realizing if this were what God was asking me to do I really had no choice.  I had to go.  The consequences of saying no and staying where I was when God wanted me elsewhere was a domino effect that I loved that church family too much to risk, but even more so I didn't want to live life in the Wilderness of No.  I'd been there before and it took me a while to recover from the last trip.  I look back on that four hour crying jag nearly 2 years ago as a turning point for me on a personal spiritual level.  It was a moment I can look back on and say with certainty my life changed in the moment I said yes.  The journey over the next year and a half was amazing, but I can't say that I expected the turn my life took in November.  You see I have this little habit of liking security and answers.  I like to see where I'm suppose to go and if I'm going to open a door to walk through it I want to know what's on the other side of it.  If I'm going to leave a job I want to know what I'm leaving it for.  I prefer a back up plan to the back up plan.  It makes me feel better.  I'm learning right now though that God doesn't exactly work that way.  He works in ways we can't even begin to comprehend.  So while Dustin and I had both been talking about what my career would look like after the wedding, I don't think either one of us was exactly expecting any job change to happen before the wedding took place, but happen it has.  Sometimes there comes a moment when you realize that the world around you has changed to a point it's not exactly what it was when you walked into it.  That's what happened to my job.  As much as I loved parts of it there were a lot of things changing and I wasn't the person that could do the job the way it needed to be done.  You know I've always thought it was awesome the way when God called Abraham packed up his house and left to go to a country the location of which he had no clue.  It was inspiring when the disciples left their nets and up and followed some stranger who walked past their place of business.  Personally, I'm thinking it looks a lot more glamorous in the Bible when I can read the end of the story whenever I want that says, Abraham did find his country, became father of a great nation and things turned out just fine in the end.  As for the disciples, well, it still somehow seems a little different being able to look at their story and see how the dots connect to make the bigger picture.  For me in the here and now it's been a little bit of a struggle.  I mean I know I'm doing what I'm suppose to.  I know God has lead me to the exact place I am right now, but that doesn't mean I don't question.  There is a part of me that is tempted on occasion to think.... I'm a nurse with ten years experience, I can get a job that pays well numerous places.  But IF I take matters in to my hands and find a job that suits my purposes of security and stability that I can see in the immediate future what blessings do I miss that God's trying to bring into this season of my life?  So I'm sure by now you're wondering how my current job situation pertains to my bride status....  Well, it pertains in the lessons God is sending my way through the freak out moments I have.  You see by making me plan a wedding at this time in my life He is giving my faith a tremendous work out!  It's teaching Dustin and I things about one another that we might not have had the opportunity to learn otherwise.  I find myself thinking a LOT about Romans 8:28:

 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

 

Even in this season of my life that feels a little uncertain in the change taking place I do know that God has something awesome in store.  All I have to do is look at the stories I mentioned earlier to be reminded of that.  Somehow there's a part of me that is much more empathetic to Abraham's decision to pass Sarah off as his sister rather acknowledging her as his wife in a moment of human uncertainty at the outcome of a particular situation.  There is a part of me that understands in a very unique way now exactly how the disciples came to be out in their boats fishing in John 21.  The interesting thing I find in that particular story is that Jesus never rebukes them for "caving" to the need for some certainty.  Instead he takes the catch (which he made possible) and feeds them.  If you look at the book of Acts though you never see mention of those nets and boats again...  I'm understanding exactly what some of those very real people, who I always tended to look at as characters in a story before, were feeling in what we like to consider their moment of weakness.  Yes, Peter denied Jesus, Abraham fathered Ishmael and Jacob stole Esau's birthright, but I'm finding as I travel this path I'm on it's easy to doubt and question when you don't see exactly what is around the next bend in the road.  So I find myself in the middle of uncertainty holding to the verse I've claimed as my own.... 

 

"For I know the plans I have for you, delcares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."   -Jeremiah 29:11.

 

  The part of his plans I can see right now involve a wedding and Dustin.  The rest will fall into place in His time!