Endings and beginnings....

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the simplest things lead to the most profound lessons? I had one of those moments today.  Earlier this spring I realized that I had a houseplant that wasn't doing so well.  No matter what I tried it wasn't dying, but it wasn't growing either.  I fertilized, transplanted into a bigger container, repositioned and  relocated, but still it stayed exactly the same.  Never changing and becoming an eyesore rather than a thing of beauty in our living room.  Finally in a last attempt to save it I put it on the porch with my outdoor flowers hoping that it would flourish there.  Sadly, a few days later I pulled off the last of the leaves and placed the container holding this tiny dead stem on the bottom shelf of our plant stand hoping that the living plants on top would detract from the empty flower pots underneath holding the sad remnants of plants that no longer showed signs of life.  

Today, I decided that some of those dead plants needed to be replaced with reminders of life so I purchased some seasonal flowers and proceeded to replace the dead and dying ones.  When I pulled out my little house plant ready to replace the sad brown little stem with a beautiful mum I was surprised to find leaves.

This sad little brown stem that I had ignored was growing!  This discovery has left me in a rather contemplative mood.  If this little plant had not experienced the change it went through earlier in the summer it never would have the opportunity to grow stronger and beautiful at this phase.  

In a way I relate to my little plant right now.  I'm going through a period of change that is incredibly painful at times.  Sometimes I feel like the little plant getting all of its leaves torn off as pieces of life as I've known it are changed and pulled away.  As I look at my little plant though I'm also reminded that these things are necessary.  As the layers of lies I've believed about myself are torn away, however painful it might be in the moment it makes way for the beautiful truth that God placed in me when he created me to blossom and the more that happens the healthier, stronger and more beautiful I become. 

I find myself extremely grateful when God finds a way to link these lessons to things that are part of my everyday life.  Now every time I look at my little plant I can't help, but hear the words in my head....  

"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us."

For those beautiful new beginnings to happen though I'm discovering that there are necessary endings that must take place.  Thankfully though God has chosen to give me a reminder in a little houseplant.

Struggles.... and Progress

So today an interesting thing happened to me after church.  Of course for this thing to make any sense to borrow from my favorite cartoon Phineas and Ferb... "There's a back story..."

The Back story....

Wearing dresses is something I struggle with in a huge way!  Don't get me wrong I LOVE a really cute dress with the right pair of shoes and the perfect accessories.  On other people that is....  I see so many women wearing dresses and looking so nice and confident, but for me while inside I want to look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's and look cool and put together totally and completely confident in my femininity I usually end up feeling much more like Mary Bingley in Pride and Prejudice.  Always awkward and never quite sure what to do with myself because in my mind everyone looks better in whatever they have on when I'm in a dress.  Every so often I attempt to buy a dress and wear it, but after an attempt or two it usually ends up in the closet as I look at it thinking if only I could feel like I looked good in it.  Pretty much putting on a dress for me means I will struggle with how I look the entire time I have it on.

Flash to today....

Today I decided (with Dustin's help of course) to brave the fear of how I would look and pulled one of my few dresses out of the closet to wear.  While I still did feel a little off something happened after church that changed this particular experience for me.  Our church has had the privilege of having two awesome interns this summer and Abbie happens to be one of those that I will look at on a regular basis and think...  I wish I could pull off something remotely like what she's wearing.  Of course I ALWAYS end up reverting to my jeans and continue to feel mediocre in the fashion department.  So after church Abbie approaches me and refers to my outfit as "hot" and/or "sexy" whichever I preferred...lol.  I couldn't help myself in the moment I laughed, but the more I think about it I appreciate the true message behind the compliment.  I looked nice and somehow from that compliment, the entire experience of wearing the dress.  The uncertainty that I felt.  It fell away as I realized that someone outside of Dustin saw something in me that I couldn't see.  

The Moral....

Never underestimate the power of words.  If you think someone did something well or even looks nice, that might be exactly what they need to hear to move forward and take yet another step toward the unknown..

I'm Okay....(Not)

So my last lesson I shared was from my manicurist.  Today.... It's from my new dentist.

See I have another confession to make.  Dentist terrify me.  I'm not talking in the normal sense that I dread it with a passion, but realize each year that it's never as bad as I remember.  I'm talking all out panic attacks,  fast breathing where's my paper bag reactions to the mere thought of a dentist office.  That's what made today such a huge day for me.

Today I faced my fear of dentists and walked into a dentist office for the first time in 17 years.  Yes, you read correctly.  For 17 years, I have battled with panic attacks at the thought of a dentist office, but today I walked through the door of one by myself and did NOT end up being treated for a panic attack.  So, yes, that is an accomplishment, but it's not the biggest accomplishment of my day.  The biggest moment of my day was when I admitted first to the dental assistant and then to the dentist that I wasn't okay.  I was nervous, I have panic attacks at the thought of entering a dentist office let alone sitting in the chair with someones fingers and metal instruments in my mouth, but there I was allowing myself to be vulnerable and letting these people do just that.  There is something that makes you feel not so alone when you are looked at and someone just says, that's alright.  You're here now and let's try to make this as easy on you as possible.  There is something freeing when they tell you that you are not alone in that fear.

I realized in that moment when this doctor who I had just met told me that it was okay to have those feelings and he would work to help me get past them that what I was hearing was it's okay to not be okay.  I feel like I've spent most of my life trying to act like everything is okay when in reality, it isn't all the time.  When I try to keep muscling through life acting like I'm okay when I'm not I keep others from ministering to me in their unique ways that God has gifted them.  If I had tried to muscle through my dentist appointment hiding my fear from the dental staff I would have left the office terrified that I needed to have my wisdom teeth removed.  Instead by sharing my fears, these professionals that deal with this on a regular basis where able to  better prepare me for what would come while keeping in mind what I feared.  The same thing is true though for every other area of my life.  If I try to muscle through life acting like I don't experience pain, fear or insecurity at times I keep others from sharing the part of their experience that will help me the most, I lose the opportunity for others to pray for me over the things I'm struggling with.  If I try to act like everything is okay when it's really not, I'm lying to myself and others.  It can be a freeing thought when you start to realize that it's okay to not be okay.  Honestly, I don't think God means for us to be okay all of the time.  If we could then why would we need Him or others?  When we can admit that we are not okay, well, that's when God can go to work.  He can show us exactly why he puts some of those quirky friends in our lives as he uses them in unique ways to minister to the fact that we aren't always okay.

Lessons from My Manicurist

It's crazy when I stop to realize that today I've been married exactly 5 months.  It seems like just yesterday I was in the middle of the insanity of planning a wedding, but then in other ways it very thankfully feels a lifetime ago.  Don't get me wrong my wedding was beautiful in its simplicity and I'm glad I did it, but there were lessons and things during those moments of my life I have no desire to repeat!

I hear other women say so often that married life is a huge adjustment.  That learning to live with someone is such a challenge.  I can't really say that piece has been full of revelation for me.  We sorted through a lot of things during the planning and execution of our wedding for which I'm thankful.  Planning a wedding together lets you learn a lot about one another!  If you can survive that I'm pretty convinced you're set.  That is of course if bride and groom are both taking an active role in said planning.  That was probably my favorite part about our wedding.  Planning together.

I have found for myself the life-changing lessons have come from people other than Dustin.  I think one of those came as a result of a challenge.  The week before our wedding our church welcomed a new pastor of discipleship.  I've come to appreciate my co-worker and sister in Christ so much in those 5 months she has been a part of my life!  One of the things that Kim did early on was to challenge the congregation of Mooresville Church of God.  She challenged us to start living our lives purposefully and investing in others.  That challenge resulted in some interesting conversations between Dustin and myself.  As we wrestled with what that looked like for our new little family of two, there was one thing that kept coming to my mind.  My friend Laura's sister does nails.    The more I thought about Kim's challenge the more I realized that I was guilty of living my life with more thought to convenience for myself than with the idea of investing in the community I called home.  As a result, within a few weeks of Kim's challenge I found myself calling Sidney to make that appointment.  I had no idea the valuable lesson that God had waiting on me by that one simple phone call.

I've heard that when an addict enters a 12 step program one of the first things they must do is admit they have a problem, so here goes...  I'm Tonya and I have control issues.  Yep, that's probably the single most valuable lesson I've learned from Sidney in the months I've been going to her to have my nails made beautiful.  The thing I've discovered is that when I'm sitting across the table from a nameless person to whom I'm just a number on their time sheet I can let myself believe that the fact I need to control what they are doing with my hands, fingers and nails is because I can't trust them.  I don't know them.  When I'm sitting across the table from someone I'm building a relationship with, well, that gives a slightly different meaning to the fact that she keeps telling me to relax and let her do her job.

Crazy isn't it?  Something that some people would say was a luxury, a waste of resources and money that could be spent better elsewhere for me has become the opportunity for God to reveal something about me to myself.  Rather than a diva moment, God has turned it into a princess-in-training moment for me.  Every time I sit across from Sidney to have my nails filled or a new set put on God is finding a new way to teach me to not only trust others, but is focusing my attention back on the need to trust Him.  If I try to do my nails trust me it would be an EPIC fail!!!  So I know that about myself, what makes me think on occasion that if I just take back this one area that I've handed over to God that I'll do better than He can in a given situation?

The interesting part to this story is that it's a matter of trusting God all the way around.  Periodically I look at Dustin as he figures out our budget and ask the question, "Can we really afford my nails this month?  Do I need to stop yet?"  The answer always comes back that God's taking care of all of our needs and evidently those lessons I keep learning with Sidney are part of my needs right now.  Isn't it funny how we tend to think that all of our needs means food, water, clothing and shelter?  In my case I'm pretty convinced that realizing that I have control issues that I need to be actively and acutely aware of right now is seen as a need by God that is met by meeting with Sidney to have my nails done every other week.  I consider it a perk that he decided to teach this particular lesson in a way that means I get awesome looking nails as a reminder for in between visits!!

The Wedding

So this weekend marks four weeks since my wedding.  I had initially intended to try to post shortly after the wedding, but time flies especially when you are trying to combine 2 adults and 3 dogs into a one bedroom apartment!

So everyone who has followed my blog has gotten bits and pieces of what the vision was, but I have to say the overall results far surpassed my hopes!  I have to say that overall I think the ceremony itself was still my favorite part.  Pinterest was an awesome source of ideas that I was able to adapt to fit my wedding!  Between that and my trusty DIY books, David Tutera's My Fair Wedding series and the ideas of friends and family there were all sorts of unique touches to my special day.  Below are some of my favorites.

The Vows

The Unity Cross

My Bouquet

I think I loved the ceremony because it was simple and captured the story that is mine and Dustin's.  From the Prelude music which was some of our favorite worship music to the vows that even though they came from Pinterest could have been written just for us!  Add to that our favorite song played and sung during the Unity Cross Ceremony and being surrounded by our closest friends as we said our vows to the fun moment when we surprised our friends and family by our choice of ressessional which was Elvis' Burning Love.  It was quite the perfect day followed by a beautiful reception and an awesome honeymoon in Colorado.  

It's Here....

It's almost surreal that its almost here. Twelve hours from now I will be married. When I think about what my family and friends have put into today to make it happen I feel humbled. Everything from coming from another country to be in my wedding party to learning Dustin and my favorite songs to play and sing to the last minute flower arrangements after the rehearsal dinner was finished because I had to have real flowers. It all makes me feel very loved right now by the people I've spent the last week surrounded by. When I think of the wedding I would have settled for and see the one I've ended up with its more than I could have imagined. The moments standing on stage last night practicing were like this small glimpse into what today will be like and since I've handed off the last minute details to others I sit here in the early morning getting ready to start on the next leg of the exciting adventure that has marked my time with Dustin, Much like the unlikely band of companions in Lord if the Rings. I had an idea of the journey I was beginning 7 months ago, but its been much more of an adventure than I suspected at the start!

The Journey Nears It's End.....

It's hard to believe that my wedding is just 5 days away.  I find myself thinking about the journey it has been to get to this moment.  It really hasn't been quite the journey I expected when I started.  Somehow I think even despite all of the lessons I've spent the last 5 years learning there was still a part of me that kind of fell into the trap of thinking that getting married suddenly transported me to some fairy tale world as I planned this mystical moment I'd been waiting for.  I'm not sure why exactly, but for me planning a wedding hasn't really been this awesome, wonderful experience of feeling like a princess.  My experience with wedding preparations has been more a journey of self discovery on a new level.  It's been growing closer with Dustin as we tackle so many difficult moments, decisions and choices.  To be honest, I'm glad it's coming to a close.  I'm ready to be done with this part of my life and to move on to the next chapter.  Don't get me wrong at this point I wouldn't really change what has happened over the last 7 months.  I've grown in so many ways from it, but at the same time I don't know that I would have taken this route to get to the altar had I realized exactly what it entailed in July...  Maybe that's why God leaves our future so unclear to our present view.  If we were given the opportunity to see exactly what even the immediate future held I think it would be a little overwhelming.  I think one passage that has become very real to me through all of this is 1 Corinthians 10:13.  I like the way The Message words it as it really expresses well what I've spent the past 7 months learning first hand

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face.  All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.


To me this has meant that God didn't throw at me month 1 of the chapter of my life called engagement what I wasn't ready to handle until month 7.  It's been this gradual journey of him molding me and making me into a different person.  In looking back over the moments I've set on the floor crying because I couldn't stand I realize that God wasn't pushing me past what I could handle.  He was taking me right up to the moment he was going to use to change me into yet another way that forms the bigger picture of what he has in store for me.  Looking at month 1 or even 3 of this engagement if I had been told God would be asking me to give up the job that was suppose to help pay for this wedding and sit unemployed for 6 weeks as part of that next step I think I would have run the other direction, but he didn't.  Instead he tested not only my faith, but Dustin's as well in leading our wedding in a direction that was beyond what we could manage in our own strength and finances and then proceeded to provide for even more than we dreamed would be possible.  It's funny, but through this I've learned to appreciate the little things.  The unexpected things that come along.  Saving $10 here or $20 there whether its on wedding supplies or groceries has an entirely new meaning now that I've realized those things I took for granted before are actually little ways God chooses to bless the decisions we make in other areas of our lives.  I've learned that he sends people into our lives with special skill sets that in and of themselves are blessings.  For some it's talking me through a crisis moment, for others its the ability to give me a beautiful hairstyle for that special moment and for others its skills in organizing so I don't have to worry about how things are going to turn out every moment of my wedding day.  All of that said if you ask me at any given moment my answer to any question related to my wedding will be I'm so ready to have this over with.  For me it's been this roller coaster that I'm more than ready to get off so the fact that the ride ends this weekend is so alright with me!  Of course I realize that what follows is adjustment and learning to live and function together as a couple in a way we haven't experienced yet, but I'm ready for that chapter to start.  It's funny as different well meaning friends have told me that all of this stress of the last months and the hard moments won't matter at some point or I won't really remember anything surrounding that moment later I have tried to listen and believe in that, but I think that deep down inside I know myself and I know that it's important for this day to express the story that Dustin and I share because I believe I will remember much of that day.  I really don't consider myself someone that has a photographic memory or at least it hasn't served me well in the area of study and school, but I remember important moments.  I remember the life changing moments like they were yesterday so I think more than anything it's important for me that our wedding express our story and that it's about us and I do have to say I think from the prelude music to the recessional to the reception our wedding will do just that for which I wouldn't trade even one painful moment of the last 7 months.  You see just like the pieces of our unconventional dating period the moments that make up the last 7 months have forever changed me and have laid the foundation of the relationship that we build on after we say our vows.