The Inspiration....

I've had some loving, concerned inquiries due to the nature of some of my posts that have me thinking I probably should use a post to clarify some things so my caring friends and family and concerned strangers don't think I'm in a constant state of depression!  I suppose to truly explain where the inspiration for this blog originates I have to go back to the month of January 2011.  You see the blog itself might not have started that day, but the events that make it possible for some of my rather candid posts were put into motion.  Interestingly enough there were four people responsible for those events that began in January and not one of them happened to be Dustin.  The first person to set the wheel in motion was my big brother Kirby (no to those of you related to me Mom and Dad do not have some hidden child you never knew about, Kirby is one of those friends that turns into family, in this case my "adopted" big brother).  You see, Kirby texted me one Sunday morning wanting me to come to church to meet Dustin.  Now as I believe I've stated in a previous post Kirby was and still is not a matchmaker so when Kirby wants me to meet a guy and wanted me to come to church to do so I kind of took it from the start as a sign from God as something I was probably suppose to do.  So thanks to Kirby I go to church at Mooresville Church of God, where I hear for the first time the man who would become my pastor, John Crump.  Enter the second influence in the chain of events...  There was something about John's message that morning that spoke to something deep inside me.  The desire that I had kept pushing down thinking it would take more than I could ever hope to give, but a desire that had started as a teenager to live this life that included God in every aspect of it.  John spoke to that and made me leave with the encouraged thought that just maybe that dream wasn't a pipe dream, but a dream that God wanted to make a reality!  I left the church that day thinking Dustin (who I had originally come to meet) was nice and really cute, but John had captivated me!  I wanted to know more.  I kind of think I know how the crowds that followed Jesus, Peter and Paul around must have felt as I cyber-stalked John through the church website listening to every message he had given over the course of a year completely fascinated by one sermon in particular that I listened to so many times I could nearly quote it!  Oh, and I listened to them in a 2 week period.  I couldn't get enough of the vision that he presented that spoke to that deep seated need inside of me to have a purpose.  But not just any purpose, I wanted my life to impact others.  I wanted God to be able to use me in a way that would draw others closer to him.  During the two week period that I was cyber-stalking John, the two other people who were instrumental to the events of that month were busy filling the role God had placed them in my life to complete.  I've mentioned Bob and Michelle in previous posts, but during this period both of them, but especially Bob were sounding boards as for the first time in my life I questioned the really hard things in my life.  As I struggled with answers to questions that were some of the toughest I'd ever had to ask myself Bob was there sharing his story when needed, offering scriptures when called for and giving me impromptu sermons on occasion.  Bob and Michelle as a couple gave me a variety of views and shared experience in the challenges they had faced.  The combination of these four influences had me reaching one huge realization.  I was 30 years old and I had lived most of my life switching out various masks.  I was 30 years old and there truly was not one person on earth who knew the real me.  Everyone knew the version of me that I felt was the safest to let them see.  In one way they were all parts of me. but I had my church mask, my work mask and my social mask.  If people blended from the different areas of my life they would notice the difference and deep down inside I always knew that which was why I had tried for so long to keep the various pieces of my life from mixing.  John had awakened that desire in me to let others see God through me, but with it there came a realization...  If people were going to see God through me then the mask had to come off.  To be honest I'll forever be grateful for these four people in my life as because of their influence I entered into friendship with Dustin without the masks of my various lives.  So now fast forward to July of 2012...  Dustin proposes and I realize something...  God was challenging my commitment to openness.  As I've struggled with the different pieces that come from that relationship change and realize the lessons He's teaching me I find myself thinking that maybe this is the first step.  Being open means making yourself vulnerable, sharing the parts of your story that taught you the most (as Bob did for me). No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl.  Instead they put it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.  (Luke 11:33 NIV)  If as I've said in various posts, I truly believe that not only marriage, but the engagement period is designed to bring Dustin and I closer to God and one another.  And if we are to be God's light to the world, it stands to reason to me that the lessons God has for me in wedding planning, working through the various challenges of our relationship and the personal struggles that I have are part of how God plans for me to be his light.  I don't really expect to get it right every time, but do any of us really love a perfect hero or heroine?  Don't we adore Mr Darcy because of his pride and love Lizzy Bennett because of her prejudice?  Is it not Aaragorn's lack of belief that he can be king that makes us follow his part of the journey hoping that he'll realize his true potential?  Personally of the disciples, Peter is my favorite because of the fact he is a flawed man that God is able to use greatly!  So my blog was born because I felt God challenging me to share the journey that Dustin and I are taking and what I'm learning in my struggles and joys.  Will some moments sound depressing?  Very likely because some lessons just aren't fun to have to learn.  But reality is that there is no one that makes it through life without disappointment, hurt and even agony at some point, but if we're honest in those struggles God can use us to be a blessing to someone else or even use someone else to bless us when we need it...