Worth the Wait...

I've had some rather seemingly random thoughts today which were triggered by an article Dustin sent me.  I think it was initially sent due to the rather comical way I have a tendency to beg for "shopping trips" to the Keystone Mall when I'm feeling down purely because of the fact I can't afford to buy anything.  It's a rather crazy rational which Dustin didn't completely understand the first time I very "rationally" requested a trip to this particular mall for that exact reason.  The article that Dustin sent me today was about a woman about to be featured on the next season of Hoarders.  I found it a rather personal article in the openness with which she shared a small part of her journey from retail therapy that resulted in a house filled with items that she could never use, but a life that to anyone outside of her very small personal circle seemed very normal and functional, but one that in reality affected every aspect of her life and kept her relationships at a distance.  I suppose this is one of the things that really struck me.  You see, I related to this article on a personal level because that was me a few years ago.  I like the woman in the article got a certain high out of shopping.  It made me feel good for a little bit and then I had trouble getting rid of the items I purchased because with looking at them came the memory of a feeling I wanted to recapture.  There seemed to be a memory I could attach with nearly every item I had purchased.  I didn't really realize the complete picture of what I was doing at the moment and I can't really say that it was significant enough to those around me to cause undue concern, but none the less it was a problem.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but my moment of reality came as I was reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  Something as I read spoke to that desire for something that kept that feeling I was searching for a little longer than the brief moment of satisfaction.  That realization sparked a purging binge that lasted several months as I rather ruthlessly disposed of all of the "things" I had purchased in my search for that "high" that would make me forget the emptiness I felt at times.  It wasn't that I hadn't made a commitment to God or even that I wasn't trying to serve Him the best I could, but while I might not have been able to express it I was holding part of myself back from letting Him truly fill me the way I needed to be filled so that I wasn't continually re-experiencing those moments of emptiness.  At this point I'm sure you're wondering what exactly my rambling on this article really has to do with Dilemma's of a Bride-to-Be.  I think it's because I look at that period of my life as God getting me ready for Dustin.  The truth is I had a serious problem that if God hadn't stepped in and helped me to realize it I would have dragged our relationship and eventually even into our marriage.  It was a problem that expressed itself in the form of retail therapy and the need to own lots of stuff.  With the right motivation the buying habits might have changed, but I would have shifted my needs for fulfillment from the stuff to the man.  Of course then the shopping habits likely would have returned when the man couldn't fulfill the never ending need.  In the years following that purging binge I found myself.  I started to find the me that God intended for me to become.  In doing that I started to let God fill that part of me that nothing else could fill.  That made a world of difference in the challenges that come up in relationships.  Sometimes I get through them and find that I've handled them a way quite different than I know I would have before that moment of truth revealed in the self searching inspired by the classic work of C.S. Lewis.  Of course the plus is that after we discussed it after my first crazy request to go "window shopping" at Keystone Mall and what felt like my even more irrational explanation of why this trip was so important Dustin somehow understood.  He understood that while shopping is relaxing for me at times there are also times that those impulses still present a challenge so he humors my occasional need for controlled retail therapy and goes "dream shopping" with me in a safe environment.  It's one more way that demonstrates how God can give us so much more than we can even dream of asking for.  In my naive mind over the years I've wanted such surface things... A guy of my own so I was no longer alone and single, but instead of just any guy God gives me Dustin who lovingly puts up with my quirks and even finds ways to help me with the things I still struggle with on occasion.  It makes a wait that seemed so long during my 20's something I find myself very thankful took so long so that I could figure out a little better who I was going into a relationship and marriage.