Lost....

I find myself struggling today.  In fact I find myself a little hesitant as I write this, but at the same time I don't think I'm probably alone in this particular struggle.  Today I struggle with the feeling that you could take me away from any given relationship in my life right now and they all go on.  They don't really miss me.  Today I feel like just a body that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  I feel like life goes on for everyone else if you take me out of the equation and no one ever gives a second thought to the fact I'm not there.  I feel incredibly dispensable today.  It's not really a feeling of depression.  At least not the hopeless kind that I've experienced before.  It's more like I have this aching need to feel like I matter somewhere.  There's an old song that comes to mind with the lyrics that express that need, "Do they miss me at home do they miss me, t'would be an assurance so dear.  To know that this moment some loved one, is saying I wish he were here."  At work I leave the day feeling my sole purpose is merely to be productive.  Not to touch lives, but to do as much work as I can humanly be pushed to handle.  And when work starts to interfere with my personal life it feels like it really doesn't matter to anyone.  I end the day with this ache inside and even tears that mere words don't really seem to impact I just feel empty for some reason.  Part of me suspects that work has taken everything from me today.  I mean I had a very enjoyable evening with Dustin and some of his friends and somewhere inside I feel like that should make a difference, but I'm still left with that feeling of isolation even though I've been with people all day.  Sometimes I think it's the coming home to an empty apartment and spending whatever time I have that I'm awake there by myself.  I really am not quite for sure why that affects me the way it does anymore.  Maybe in the vein of some of my previous thoughts that if marriage is suppose to draw us closer to God and if as I suspect that the engagement period is part of that process maybe God's trying to show me what it feels like when I pull away from him....  What He feels like when I partition him off in a certain area of my life.  Now don't get me wrong Dustin has tried very hard today to make me feel cared about and to show me that I matter.  And I believe it when he's right beside me, but when he's somewhere else... Then I struggle with that feeling of isolation...  Well, that and the headache that came from a crying jag that started at Carmel and didn't end until I hit Mooresville.  It feels like an extremely long day and even longer night stretching in front of me....  I do believe that somewhere there is some silver lining, some bright spot, but the truth... I'm not seeing it right now, I just feel pulled down and sad.  A little lost and very alone and really wishing I could get the bigger picture to why I have to feel like this right now.